My husband told me today that he needs a break and wants to try a trial separation. He says his goal in this is to try and repair our marriage. I do want our relationship to work out, but needless to say this whole thing is devestating. We have three children also. Anyway my question is......how do you let someone go and respect their wishes (that he needs some time) and still show that you want the relationship to work? Is this possible?Separation! How is it done?
- Thread starter loulou34
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My husband told me today that he needs a break and wants to try a trial separation. He says his goal in this is to try and repair our marriage. I do want our relationship to work out, but needless to say this whole thing is devestating. We have three children also. Anyway my question is......how do you let someone go and respect their wishes (that he needs some time) and still show that you want the relationship to work? Is this possible?
Eilan
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I remember you from your previous thread about your husband, and I'm really sorry to hear that things don't seem to have gotten better for you. 
I'm not trying to discourage further conversation, but I think that a lot of the info that was brought up on the other thread is still relevant.
I'm curious--will he continue to support you and the children financially while he's getting the "space" he needs? You may need to seek legal help to insure that this happens. Wanting space doesn't relieve him of his legal responsibilities to you and the children.
Is he open to counseling? If he's not, go without him. Furthermore, what will HE be doing to work on his issues during the separation; if you respect HIS wishes, what will he do to respect YOURS?
Good luck.
I'm not trying to discourage further conversation, but I think that a lot of the info that was brought up on the other thread is still relevant.
I'm curious--will he continue to support you and the children financially while he's getting the "space" he needs? You may need to seek legal help to insure that this happens. Wanting space doesn't relieve him of his legal responsibilities to you and the children.
Is he open to counseling? If he's not, go without him. Furthermore, what will HE be doing to work on his issues during the separation; if you respect HIS wishes, what will he do to respect YOURS?
Good luck.
I remember you from your previous thread about your husband, and I'm really sorry to hear that things don't seem to have gotten better for you.
I'm not trying to discourage further conversation, but I think that a lot of the info that was brought up on the other thread is still relevant.
I'm curious--will he continue to support you and the children financially while he's getting the "space" he needs? You may need to seek legal help to insure that this happens. Wanting space doesn't relieve him of his legal responsibilities to you and the children.
Is he open to counseling? If he's not, go without him. Furthermore, what will HE be doing to work on his issues during the separation; if you respect HIS wishes, what will he do to respect YOURS?
Yes the problems have still continued. He had a emotional affair with a 16 year old, that came to an end because the mom found out. Since then he has been back home but his heart wasn't here as he feels he is in love with the 16 year old. He says that he will support the children. He is not open to counseling, I was going previously but stopped. He says that he wants to be here but he is not sure if he has it in him to actually try. So I guess he is hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder. I don't know what he will do to work on our relationship, or what my wishes are except I don't want a divorce.
Thanks for your response.
I'm not trying to discourage further conversation, but I think that a lot of the info that was brought up on the other thread is still relevant.
I'm curious--will he continue to support you and the children financially while he's getting the "space" he needs? You may need to seek legal help to insure that this happens. Wanting space doesn't relieve him of his legal responsibilities to you and the children.
Is he open to counseling? If he's not, go without him. Furthermore, what will HE be doing to work on his issues during the separation; if you respect HIS wishes, what will he do to respect YOURS?
Yes the problems have still continued. He had a emotional affair with a 16 year old, that came to an end because the mom found out. Since then he has been back home but his heart wasn't here as he feels he is in love with the 16 year old. He says that he will support the children. He is not open to counseling, I was going previously but stopped. He says that he wants to be here but he is not sure if he has it in him to actually try. So I guess he is hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder. I don't know what he will do to work on our relationship, or what my wishes are except I don't want a divorce.
Thanks for your response.
bullaford
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WARNING: BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD
In the other post you had (thanks Eilan) you said your husband was 31. What is a 31 year old grown man doing having an affair with a 16 year old? THAT would be my biggest question. There is only one reason any 31 year old man .. no make that 2 .. would have an affair (emotional or sexual) and they are:
1) he is a fucking pervert who deserves to be locked up (I have one of those teenage daughters and I'm killin the first 31 year old man who is "in love" with her)
2) he is a damn retard
He says he will support the children ... How good has his word been so far? I'm going to guess not very good. Go get an attorney, even in trial seperations there should be a temporary child support order. Can't afford an attorney? Most, if not all, states have attorneys who will take cases pro bono.
He is not open to counseling, I was going but previously stopped ..... start going again, join a support group, do something besides sit there and say "oh he'll come back, he'll support the kids, he wouldn't do that to them." Get help.
He says that he wants to be here but he is not sure if he has it in him to actually try. So I guess he is hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder .... NO you are hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder, he has already moved on to the 16 year old.
I don't know what he will do to work on our relationship, or what my wishes are except I don't want a divorce .. Ask him what he will do, with the counseling and support group you will be able to figure out what you want and if he is not willing to do anything besides walk away for his "trial seperation" then I would bet money that he is just too much of a pussy to flat out tell you he wants a divorce.
Protect yourself and YOUR CHILDREN, do not sit, wait and wish he would pay some support ....... wishes do not pay the bills.
loulou34 said:
In the other post you had (thanks Eilan) you said your husband was 31. What is a 31 year old grown man doing having an affair with a 16 year old? THAT would be my biggest question. There is only one reason any 31 year old man .. no make that 2 .. would have an affair (emotional or sexual) and they are:
1) he is a fucking pervert who deserves to be locked up (I have one of those teenage daughters and I'm killin the first 31 year old man who is "in love" with her)
2) he is a damn retard
He says he will support the children ... How good has his word been so far? I'm going to guess not very good. Go get an attorney, even in trial seperations there should be a temporary child support order. Can't afford an attorney? Most, if not all, states have attorneys who will take cases pro bono.
He is not open to counseling, I was going but previously stopped ..... start going again, join a support group, do something besides sit there and say "oh he'll come back, he'll support the kids, he wouldn't do that to them." Get help.
He says that he wants to be here but he is not sure if he has it in him to actually try. So I guess he is hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder .... NO you are hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder, he has already moved on to the 16 year old.
I don't know what he will do to work on our relationship, or what my wishes are except I don't want a divorce .. Ask him what he will do, with the counseling and support group you will be able to figure out what you want and if he is not willing to do anything besides walk away for his "trial seperation" then I would bet money that he is just too much of a pussy to flat out tell you he wants a divorce.
Protect yourself and YOUR CHILDREN, do not sit, wait and wish he would pay some support ....... wishes do not pay the bills.
What bullaford said
i have to agree with what the others have posted here loulou
I also have to say this. Do you REALLY want a guy who dumped you for a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD?!!? If he comes back...will he stay with you? Or will he just be waiting for the next sweet young thing? I have found that being brutally honest with your self helped me... you will probably want to be honest with yourself too.
I wish you all the best in this trying time.
SB
i have to agree with what the others have posted here loulou
I also have to say this. Do you REALLY want a guy who dumped you for a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD?!!? If he comes back...will he stay with you? Or will he just be waiting for the next sweet young thing? I have found that being brutally honest with your self helped me... you will probably want to be honest with yourself too.
I wish you all the best in this trying time.
SB
Ezzy
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First thing to do is (DONT PANIC)!
I know you cant just play it as normal from now on, but try not to burn the bridges while they may be needed to pull things back together again.
Try and maintain what you can of a civil relationship, no extra screaming or shouting if you can bite it off.
He is still communicating with you, and maintaining that will be the only way you can help keep the marriage together.
Forewarned is forearmed as they say, and you way want to consult an attorney about divorce / abandonment issues before they occur.
Maybe he wants to separate from you and the kids and live the life of Reilly, but references to child support and the house and alimony may just drive him further away or bring him to his senses.
Is he stable in his job? Does he wander outside the house? You need to gauge these questions for yourself. The more stable he is in his job etc, the less you have to worry about (as long as he is not either an on the road salesman or a trucker, or airline pilot).
On the sex issue (and there is always a sex issue) consider saying that you don’t want to get pregnant at this time and take precautions including condoms if you still have sex, protect yourself if you think he is straying outside the marriage, not just from a pregnancy but from STD’s as well.
In answer to your main question is it realistic (or fair) for him to think it will be business as usual until he resolves this…
Of course it isn’t, but then you did not stop loving him the moment you heard, it will have put a massive dent in the relationship, and it may have been too big to get over (long term), the kids will still think of him as dad, and his family will still be their relatives too, so do as little to disrupt the flow of love and affection from surrounding family as you can, if you can avoid it.
Take it a day at a time, but think about what and where you want to be in 5 years time, if the relationship is over, then do what you can to make any separation amicable, there is nothing tougher than trying to patch up a friendship for the sake of your kids, if it could have been an amicable split to start out with.
Protect yourself and the kids, get legal advice, pray and think.
I know you cant just play it as normal from now on, but try not to burn the bridges while they may be needed to pull things back together again.
Try and maintain what you can of a civil relationship, no extra screaming or shouting if you can bite it off.
He is still communicating with you, and maintaining that will be the only way you can help keep the marriage together.
Forewarned is forearmed as they say, and you way want to consult an attorney about divorce / abandonment issues before they occur.
Maybe he wants to separate from you and the kids and live the life of Reilly, but references to child support and the house and alimony may just drive him further away or bring him to his senses.
Is he stable in his job? Does he wander outside the house? You need to gauge these questions for yourself. The more stable he is in his job etc, the less you have to worry about (as long as he is not either an on the road salesman or a trucker, or airline pilot).
On the sex issue (and there is always a sex issue) consider saying that you don’t want to get pregnant at this time and take precautions including condoms if you still have sex, protect yourself if you think he is straying outside the marriage, not just from a pregnancy but from STD’s as well.
In answer to your main question is it realistic (or fair) for him to think it will be business as usual until he resolves this…
Of course it isn’t, but then you did not stop loving him the moment you heard, it will have put a massive dent in the relationship, and it may have been too big to get over (long term), the kids will still think of him as dad, and his family will still be their relatives too, so do as little to disrupt the flow of love and affection from surrounding family as you can, if you can avoid it.
Take it a day at a time, but think about what and where you want to be in 5 years time, if the relationship is over, then do what you can to make any separation amicable, there is nothing tougher than trying to patch up a friendship for the sake of your kids, if it could have been an amicable split to start out with.
Protect yourself and the kids, get legal advice, pray and think.
Eilan
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How long are you willing to wait for him to make up his mind, grow up, find himself, or do whatever it is he's trying to do? That's what you need to be asking yourself.loulou34 said:
I was in this situation (sans the 16-year-old) about five years ago. I didn't want a divorce, either, but I also got tired of feeling like my life was on hold. When I got sick of waiting, I told my husband that he needed to decide what he was going to do, and he chose to break it off. At that point, I felt relieved, because as hokey as it sounds, I was able to live again. You'll have to decide for yourself how long you want to put up with his behavior.
Keep in mind that, even though you might want to get back together, you also have to keep your kids' best interests in mind. I'm not a fan of divorce. I think that if issues can be worked out, then they should be, but I'm also not a fan of staying together because of the children. Children deserve stability, and your husband's not providing them with that. The two of you are supposed to be role models for their future relationships. Is that what you want for them?
Get yourself back into counseling, and get an attorney, no matter what he says or wants. Please take care of you.
Thanks so much everyone for the advice. Today has been so hard, I am just so emotional and its hard to function to take care of my kids. I know what everyone says is true, I am just so scared. The thing with the 16 year old is over, the mom found out and called the police. Because it wasn't physical beyond some kissing, they said nothing criminal had been committed, so he was just given a harsh warning. I do need to get back to counseling or a group I was hoping things would just fix themselves. But things have only gotten worse. My kids are devastated I am devastated. I am not sure how to make myself let go and move past all of this. If I think about everything that has happened then I get mad, but my emotions go from pissed to sad so quickly. I feel like I am sinking into a black hole. I hope things start to improve.
bullaford
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Your husband should be extremely thankful that he is not sitting in a jail cell right now. So, I'm gathering that if the mom hadn't found out that he would be still seeing this teenager, kissing, molesting or even sticking his dick in her. How fortunate that the mom did find out.
Things never just fix themselves, loulou. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, facing it head on and doing something about it does.
Do you not have somebody you could go to, tell them what is going on and get help? I know it is hard to let go sweetie, but you have to think long term, what is best for you and your children. You cannot just sit and do nothing, you owe your children more than that. Emotional rollercoasters can be a bitch, but you must make yourself function, get up and do something. Things will start to improve once you get ahold of yourself and get help.
Sometimes we cannot do things on our own, it is not a failure to say "I need help."
