Self injurers.

[ungenderless]

I haven't cut myself since highschool. But over the past couple of months, I've wanted to. I want to right now. My blood feels like it's made of fire and taking a razor blade and slicing my arms would provide such a release. I hate this fucking body.

I don't do it ofcourse. I have responsibilites. And I am grateful for those. I take care of my son, I go to school, etc. And having scars on my arms would disrupt the normal flow of things. Peopoe would ask questions. Plus, there's no way I could hide it from my partner. She knows how much I hate long sleeve shirts.

The thing is, I'm not really sure WHY. My life is damn near perfect. I don't have to work, and my partner wants to keep me at home. I'm going to school so that I can have a career doing someting I love. I have nothing to complain about.

I'm lonely, I suppose. Online friends always end up being fleeting. Real friends are non-existent. I thought, "maybe I need to find some friends who are Transgender like me". Thinking of personals, I google "Transgender" and the name of the town I live in. What pops up? "Transgender brutally murdered". "Body of transgender found". "Man pleads no contest to murder in transgender's death". Over and over. Endless headlines.

And I'm reminded of why I'm afraid to go outside. I find myself wrapped up in this cycle of hatred. I hate people for being so cruel. But I hate myself for not following my own philosophy and living life to the fullest; for being afraid. And then I hate this body for not being born the way it was supposed to be. And then I hate myself more for being such a baby and not being grateful for the life I do have.

And that's when my blood starts to burn and I just want to cut myself to feel some relief.

I'm too passive to commit suicide, but I really wish that I had never been born.

 

[Misty_Morning]

deleted.

 

[feeeriek]

for Abs aww heck i'll even offer a hug if ya want it.

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[ungenderless]

Though I can never say I understand it because I don't live as you are, I feel for you. It's good to hear you say you have a partner, yet I also understand that you feel lonely.

All I can offer is hugs, and the wish that you come to an understanding of the sameness we all ultimately are. This existence is very difficult for most as it is, but we all do share in that we are becoming, though it be different for each of us. It's just the way we're made in our physicality here on earth.

For me, knowledge was my salvation, though it took many years, and many tears. As I said, it's different for all of us, and if knowledge will help you, much of it will be as only you need it. I pray you will seek it, and find it, and learn to be comforted by what you gain from it.

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Some days I'm very happy; other days I despair. Today was just an off day for me.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Some days I'm very happy; other days I despair. Today was just an off day for me.

Ditto.

 

[English Lady]

*hugs* Un

*hugs* abs


I always have lots of hugs, lots of space in my PM box and lots of time for either of you (hell, I'll make time if I have to. someone pas me the space and time wool please and a couple 'o knitting needles!)

 

[ABSTRUSE]

*hugs* Un

*hugs* abs


I always have lots of hugs, lots of space in my PM box and lots of time for either of you (hell, I'll make time if I have to. someone pas me the space and time wool please and a couple 'o knitting needles!)

You're beautiful.

 

[English Lady]

You're beautiful.

And so are you

 

[ungenderless]

*hugs* Un

*hugs* abs


I always have lots of hugs, lots of space in my PM box and lots of time for either of you (hell, I'll make time if I have to. someone pas me the space and time wool please and a couple 'o knitting needles!)

Thanks.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

I know i said i didnt have time to nurse my pain right now, but i really need to draw blood. Im sitting here, haivng not written much of an essay for uni, and i'm biting the skin on the knuckles of both my index fingers. No blood.

I want to scratch my skin...i want to have a long hot shower and just feel myself in control again. Do i have the time to nurse myself? no, but i need release.

and now, im punching the edge of the desk, i have no other way of letting off this steam right now. I am off to group soon, but i cant express my anger there, not in the way i need to. I dont think they'd appreciate the sight of my blood.

i feel so lost right now. suspended in limbo- dangling from invisible thread- not touching the floor nor reaching the sky. Vultures pecking at me.

 

[feeeriek]

for Fallen...

 

[damppanties]

Abs, you know my thoughts, i dont know what you need, a hug, a kiss, a cry, a rant...but i hope that you seek whatever it is you need. And if its something that we, here can give, you know we will. Im sure i speak for everyone.

It's hard, i know it is. I've byno means stopped- i've paused.

You're surrounded by people who care, even if most of those people are online- in different countries, on different continents. I hope you feel our arms around you, i feel many peoples around me.

<3

You've said what I've wanted to say so many times in a much better way. Now, it applies to you. *hugs*

 

[ABSTRUSE]

You've said what I've wanted to say so many times in a much better way. Now, it applies to you. *hugs*

Ditto.

I scarred and hurting but I'm alive.
Thank you all for being my family

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

<3 Dampy, and Abs.

Group...what can i say, as ever i withdrew for a good part of it. Then slowly as it drew to the end i talked about how to manage feeling so so angry.

Group hasn't 'releived' my situation for me, it has paused it. I feel so wrecked, so fatigued, so emotionless- but thats not true because i feel so so angry.

SO angry, and i dont even know why, well i do know some of the causes. But they are all of my doing.

I want to blood let so badly, i know that im going to go home and cut. I know i am, i've tried so hard to shed a little blood- even a little, in the last 2 hours. Nothing. And that's making me angrier. I cant even draw my own blood. So the angrier i get the worse i feel, the more i want to blood let.

I'll continue trying till i have a sure fire means of relief. my knuckles are already red and swollen, they wont mind getting worse.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

<3 Dampy, and Abs.

Group...what can i say, as ever i withdrew for a good part of it. Then slowly as it drew to the end i talked about how to manage feeling so so angry.

Group hasn't 'releived' my situation for me, it has paused it. I feel so wrecked, so fatigued, so emotionless- but thats not true because i feel so so angry.

SO angry, and i dont even know why, well i do know some of the causes. But they are all of my doing.

I want to blood let so badly, i know that im going to go home and cut. I know i am, i've tried so hard to shed a little blood- even a little, in the last 2 hours. Nothing. And that's making me angrier. I cant even draw my own blood. So the angrier i get the worse i feel, the more i want to blood let.

I'll continue trying till i have a sure fire means of relief. my knuckles are already red and swollen, they wont mind getting worse.

Read the links I've posted in here, they will help you too.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

Read the links I've posted in here, they will help you too.

You posted one for RYL didnt you? someone did. I used to be on there.

~~

It felt good. I know i shouldnt say that, but it did.
I told myself and her only a little. Well it's never just a little is it?...
It also looked morbidly pretty, and i know a colour shift in the next few days will make me smile and forget what it is im looking at.

I've gone back to words- i stopped that for a while. it was naughts and crosses for a little bit.

You know its bad if after a year and some of not having written new poetry (my submissions are old poems but still applicable) i feel like i am 'down' enough to write a new piece.

*sigh* the tightness of the skin of my thighs will remind me of the pain, the feelign will remind me that i am allowed to have emotion, i am allowed to feel. If i obviously cant just 'be' then i'll just 'be' dysfunctional.

 

[Pure]

comments on nirvana's statement

nirvI do not want to come across as condescending or self-righteous. What I would like to say, comes from what I know, and this includes having studied psychology over a period of 10 years, and having attended and facilitated group -therapy to people for various reasons, including substance abuse, and addictions. I have also been in personal situations where people very near to me were addicts, so I do understand the internal workings of the family structure where an addiction is involved.

So here goes what I have learnt.

#You are a victim only when you choose to remain a victim. No one can force you into that role for an extended period of time - not the man who hits you to the floor, or the bottle of drink that leaves you unable to focus on anything, or the gambling addiction. Whatever your flavour of pain is, no matter the level of abuse, somewhere, at some time you choose. And either you choose to be a fighter, and to seek the light, and to heal, and become a whole person, or you choose to stay in that victim role.

And when you choose to stay in that victim role, your entire life moulds itself to your choices. Your outlook on life is framed by it, shadowed by it, affected by it.

I firmly believe, that the healing that takes place while someone is still in that victim role, is purely superficial, and the deep lying inner- anguish and pain will remain, until they can choose to free themselves from their choices.

You cannot heal fully, if you have not chosen to change your life, your mindset, and your conditions. And yes I know what that entails . . . fear, anger, and an inability to change - to choose what is best over what is easy. By no means am I saying it's easy.[..]

And I am fully aware that many times self injuring is not a problem on its own. It is often coupled with other influence like drug abuse, alcohol abuse, depression, etc, which makes it multifaceted and even more complicated. In that case, choose the right thing. If alcohol makes you “weak” then don’t drink. Handle your addiction responsibly.

But still - it's up to each of us to do what is good, and what is good for us as individuals - which usually is not the easy way out.

----

pure: Though i don't know you personally, this speech does sound a bit smug and formulaic. It's a bit like saying. Got a problem? Well, here what you do: Figure what's causing it; Formulate the alternatives; Choose the best one. ---In the event you "can't" or don't or won't do this, clearly you're choosing to continue having the problem.

---

Your key statement, at #, above, is

nirvYou are a victim only when you choose to remain a victim. No one can force you into that role for an extended period of time - not the man who hits you to the floor, or the bottle of drink that leaves you unable to focus on anything, or the gambling addiction. Whatever your flavour of pain is, no matter the level of abuse, somewhere, at some time you choose. And either you choose to be a fighter, and to seek the light, and to heal, and become a whole person, or you choose to stay in that victim role.

pure: I find this much too static, and thus superficial and inaccurate.

Let us consider Ms Natalie Kampusch who was kidnapped by Mr. Priklopil, an Austrian fellow, at age 10, and held for 8 years, before she escaped at a moment when he was distracted by a phone call.

See story at, for instance,
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/06/AR2006090602051.html?nav=emailpage

Now admittedly she did finally make a choice. But let's consider your making your speech to her two years before that choice took substantial form[i.e. before she's at all ready to make it]; I've added what I imagine is her reply:

"No one can make you a victim." Well, he has; he has imprisoned me. He watches my every move.

"At some time you choose." Do you mean now? If so, I'm too scared because of the threats against anyone I might speak to. Right now, I'm "choosing" to leave things as they are, and I have no idea when they will change.

"Either you choose to be a fighter." I don't choose to fight right now, nor any time soon. I wonder if that makes me 'not a fighter.'


"Or you choose to stay in the victim role." Yes, I guess I'm 'choosing to stay in the victim role' ; it's just too dangerous to do anything else. But maybe some day....

[pure adds] "So you *like* the victim role." Yes, I guess I like it better than getting someone killed. But no, I don't like it. And no, I have no immediate plans to do anything about it.

---
In short, nirvana, your formula, imo, is not very useful to most 'addicted' people, most of the time. Nor do I see it as a useful guideline for a therapist (see above; the therapist, in her prodding, is ineffectual).

I will agree that *right at the moment of choice* such a formula and pep talk might have its use; but it ignores the long process of building strength. Indeed, I'd say it would undermine any such process:

Taking the example above: For two years the lady would hear your speech about choosing to be victim. She'd, besides for her original problems in her situation, hate herself for such a weak and shameful choice (for that's essentially what you're saying, or would be understood as saying). So I submit, on the fateful day, if she'd, over a couple years, listened to such a spiel, she'd be weaker than she was, and LESS likely to make the decisive move.

---
A couple notes. 1) I have no idea what you're like as a person, I'm simply commenting on some thoughts/beliefs of yours you posted.
2) I am not denying that there are 'times for choices' in life, nor do I encourage people to wallow in 'helpless' roles. 3) I don't know, overall, about your ability to help people; it's entirely possible that your practice reflects more insight and more compassion than your short summary statement would indicate.

 

[impressive]

But, Pure, you can use that rationale to avoid all change -- be it physically dangerous or emotionally difficult -- simply by claiming, "I'm not strong enough at this moment in time." Where does it end?

I'm talking in broad generalities, not specific to the (physical) thread topic of self injury.

When your opportunities for fulfillment/happiness bleed away because you continually take the path of least resistance, you are not a victim. You might be a coward, but you are not a victim. A true victim has NO choice.

 

[Pure]

note to abs

abs Now comes the shame, not of the act, but of the reminder left. Its hard to hide...but its the questions that will come from the marks and the inability to make people understand the why. To me and anyone who cuts, it makes perfect sense.

it does not have to be explained to anyone. there are reasons you are the way you are. but it's not set in stone. remember you are ever changing, especially as you develop understanding, and-- it seems-- a measure of compassion for youself. keep in touch with your friends here and in 'real life' and in real life here.

 

[Pure]

hi imp,
But, Pure, you can use that rationale to avoid all change -- be it physically dangerous or emotionally difficult -- simply by claiming, "I'm not strong enough at this moment in time." Where does it end?

I'm talking in broad generalities, not specific to the (physical) thread topic of self injury.

Well, I was speaking in generalities, too, since I gave an example of escape from a kidnapper.

Without getting into hair splitting, "I'm not strong enough at this moment in time." can mean one or more of several things. First, just what it says, referring to one's actual present strength. Second, perhaps, "I'm not strong enough now and won't ever be."
The second bears on the question of one's potential strength, and one's view of that potential

Let us assume Ms Kampusche made her move when she was strong enough, say at about age 18 1/2 after 8 years of captivity.
Sometime before the actual attempt, she was 'strong enough' but waiting for a good time.
BUT surely, in the 6-7 years before that, it was quite plainly true for her to say, "I'm not strong enough at this moment in time."

Being more in line with our own lives, consider a decision that was painful, and involved some fear or apprehension. Let us suppose you or I delayed making it for mos., then made it. One might say "when we had the strength." Clearly, sometime before the immediate vicinity of the time of the decision, it was quite plainly and literally true, "I am not strong enough at this moment in time."

{Added: and that is by no means a 'rationale to avoid all change 'because the statement I imagine ['not strong enough'] was not made forever; she eventually made her move.}

I don't think this thread is to debate theories of change (and I won't, here, much more), but I made my posting because when people are struggling and growing stronger, but not yet prepared to do what's best (in our, or the therapist's view) I don't think it's helpful to say, "You are choosing the victim role." or "You're making a career out of being a victim" or even "You're only a victim if you make youself a victim, which is what you are doing now."

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[Samandiriel]

I like how the discussion is going.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

A habit may be known by the person to be leading to their death, or great injury, yet it is comforting, perverse though it sounds, to that person.

I absolutely agree. I spoke about pay-off's. If your pay-off is that you find comfort in being stagnant, then that is exactly where you will stay - in that comfort zone.

Ultimately, yes, it is up to each of us as individuals to do what needs to be done, to choose, but before that, one must also accept, or recognize and not deny, what it is that needs to be acted on. There again we run into the habit/comfort problem.

Acceptance and acknowleding that there is a problem is necesarry as part of the process yes. That cannot be found without self-insight - which I also mentioned in my original post.

Thank you for adding your wise words to the discussion, Mismused. All in all - it's still a choice. It's a choice to challenge our comfort zones, or not to. It's a choice to seek self-insight - or not to. The processes you mentioned are necesarry, but it's a choice to seek it out, or not to.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Pure, in response to your response to my post:

My philosophy is to facilitate a process (where I act as the catalyst, if I may) where individuals may identify, acknowledge and accept the need for change - if they choose it. I attempt this by assisting the individual in creating the environment and conditions, necessary for this process.

I offer support, yet I cannot always offer a safe place to land - that would defy the entire object of the process. I am as gentle as I know how to be.

I do not " tell" or " instruct" or " teach" .... It's disempowering.

You were insightful to pick up on the nuance of my post, though.

Here is my reality:
I wrote my original post from a " Nirvana from Lit" perspective - not purely from a catalyst perspective, as I am emotionally involved in this particular topic, and I am changed by the consequences of the topic. I am subjective in this.