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Self Doubt

intothewoods said:
External motivators are helpful.

I have this weird feeling that I have not done enough for me. The worst thing my ex said to me was that I was selfish, and I think I've been overcompensating since then. I've done some post divorce woo woo stella got her groove back bullshit because I figured I should and what the hell why not, but I don't think that was really for me. I don't know.

Maybe I am worried I will disappear. I've always had difficulty blending just me with mom-me.
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You know, I don't think I know any male in my personal life that says "I don't think I've done enough for me." And I don't say that in a disparaging way towards women. I think it is rooted in the pathology of the typical woman to constantly put other before herself, and moreso with submissives.

Moreover, I think guys have an easier time doing for ourselves in this sense. There is less societal guilt about such things. If I want to indulge in a "guilty" pleasure, I check my pocket/account to see if I have enough cash to burn, then my workload to make sure I have time. If the answer is yes to each, I'm likely to just go do it.

I'm not one to make announcements on Lit, especially as I cling to the ridiculous hope of maintaining some anonymity, but you know what they say, first comes love...and I would never do something out of order.
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Well, if you'll refrain from announcing, then I guess I'll be forced to refrain from congratulating, right? Or not. I'm confused. :eek:

(Congrats, darlin!)
 
the captians wench said:
I remember that panic attack....and I'm no where near the "dum dum-de dum" stage. *giggles* Infact, I'm pretty sure that was one of my random ramblings for a few days.

Getting devorced went against every grain of my existance. He knew how I felt about it from the begining, I was very clear in the matter. I would die before I got devoced...well I didn't, and I'm very happy for that (though don't think for one minute I didn't sit down and really debate the pros and cons of doing such an act). Part of me feels like I failed some how. Like if I could have done this or that differently then he wouldn't have wanted to leave. I have moments when I think that he must have gotten bored with me, or maybe I smothered him too much and so on. But eventually sense clears the storm and those thoughts go away. Then I think about what must acure for me to beable to spend significant time with Jounar and the fear comes flooding back.

Will I make the same mistakes? Will I be prepared this time? How will I know for sure that it is time? How will I know that he's truely ready? I thought I knew last time, could Jounar fool me as easily? Was it my own hope for the future that blinded me to the signs? Will I go in blind again?......you get the idea.

It sounds funny, but what really reasures me in that moment is this: There is no certianty. It's not even certain that you'll wake up the next morning, nothing in this life is certain, so why stress over it. I think that's him rubbing off on me. It's very unlike me to not worry about everything, and he doesn't seem to worry about anything *giggles*. One of the many things I love about him, how much he balances me that way.

I'll never fully get rid of that fear. I see me old and gray and still wondering if I'm good enough to keep his attention. Deep wounds are hard to heal, but when it itches, I don't always need to pick at the scab.
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There is no certainty. And I think everything you ask yourself is a good thing to ask.

satindesire said:
*hugs!*

It'll pass. You're so sweet and lovely that no grey cloud could ever wipe out your rainbow forever sweetheart. :heart::heart::heart:
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Thank you.

Homburg said:
You know, I don't think I know any male in my personal life that says "I don't think I've done enough for me." And I don't say that in a disparaging way towards women. I think it is rooted in the pathology of the typical woman to constantly put other before herself, and moreso with submissives.

Moreover, I think guys have an easier time doing for ourselves in this sense. There is less societal guilt about such things. If I want to indulge in a "guilty" pleasure, I check my pocket/account to see if I have enough cash to burn, then my workload to make sure I have time. If the answer is yes to each, I'm likely to just go do it.
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Ain't that the truth. My ex is absolutely content. He has time for himself and time for his kid, and neither is fucked with. Me? I think what if I had done this differently, and will my child be okay, and on and on. Even though I know rationally he is fine and I have forgiven myself, in my weaker moments I will replay things in my head. Drive myself nuts. And I'm not saying my ex is an asshole. It's just the way he is and the way I am.


Well, if you'll refrain from announcing, then I guess I'll be forced to refrain from congratulating, right? Or not. I'm confused. :eek:

(Congrats, darlin!)
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Thank you. And with that, I'm okay. Not the congrats, although that's very kind.

Tonight was an ordinary mom night, but Mister Man did a few of the things I love so much about him, which reminded me of why we are together, and why I picked him to stick around with. I need to trust myself more. I have good taste.
 
intothewoods said:
Ain't that the truth. My ex is absolutely content. He has time for himself and time for his kid, and neither is fucked with. Me? I think what if I had done this differently, and will my child be okay, and on and on. Even though I know rationally he is fine and I have forgiven myself, in my weaker moments I will replay things in my head. Drive myself nuts. And I'm not saying my ex is an asshole. It's just the way he is and the way I am.
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I think men are just more capable of recognising when it is the proper time to be content.

Thank you. And with that, I'm okay. Not the congrats, although that's very kind.
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Welcome.
 
intothewoods said:
Now, now. I was generous before, but let's not push it! ;)
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What? I'm serious. It's not some magical facility, or inner pigness. It is just that guys can look at a tolerable situation and think "Hey, this is pretty okay." Women look at a tolerable situation and wonder how they can make it better.

That and we're pigs, so it is easier to accept tolerable.
 
*blink*

It would be the first wedding I have ever actively wanted to attend.
 
intothewoods said:
Wha-? Too much? ;) Because you're PG, I'll answer seriously. Uh NO, it's not for me. I came across the picture and it made me laugh.
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Pfft, did you SEE my pic thread?

I know you have. You naughty girl, you, lusting after my curvy young...

Umm...What were we talking about?





Oh! Right. No, I'm not PG. Pfft.

I was fixin to say, that girl's got some tig ole bitties!

Hot. I wish I could get married like that. My poor dad would faint. :D
 
I've been feeling very self-doubt-y lately. The beginning of this week I was fine, happy, confident and then yesterday and today have been dramatic turns for the worse. I think the key for me is to just avoid a few key words in phrases when thinking.

Key words and phrases for Syd to avoid in order to remain happy:

"Writing"
"What do I want/need?"
"What do I like?"
"I should be more social"
"Career"
"Talent"
 
satindesire said:
Pfft, did you SEE my pic thread?

I know you have. You naughty girl, you, lusting after my curvy young...

Umm...What were we talking about?





Oh! Right. No, I'm not PG. Pfft.

I was fixin to say, that girl's got some tig ole bitties!

Hot. I wish I could get married like that. My poor dad would faint. :D
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She looks miserable. I think all of the frou frou wedding stuff make it so comical.

You have a pic thread? I don't ever leave this forum! :eek:
 
00Syd said:
I've been feeling very self-doubt-y lately. The beginning of this week I was fine, happy, confident and then yesterday and today have been dramatic turns for the worse. I think the key for me is to just avoid a few key words in phrases when thinking.

Key words and phrases for Syd to avoid in order to remain happy:

"Writing"
"What do I want/need?"
"What do I like?"
"I should be more social"
"Career"
"Talent"
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I had this issue at your age and my advisor told me to diagram everything. :eek: It seemed to make sense at the time.

I think what I have been experiencing is some good ol' fear. But you know? It is a big deal to contemplate a huge life shift for me and my kid, so it's sort of okay, I think. I've thought this through so much that I guess this fear just surprised me. It's like the rational me and the freak out me are two different people. Eek, that sounds nuts.
 
intothewoods said:
She looks miserable. I think all of the frou frou wedding stuff make it so comical.

You have a pic thread? I don't ever leave this forum! :eek:
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HAD a pic thread.

I got so many PMs that I just couldn't deal anymore, had my mod buddy take it down for me.

I can send you some pictures, if you want. *waggles eyebrows suggestively*
 
satindesire said:
HAD a pic thread.

I got so many PMs that I just couldn't deal anymore, had my mod buddy take it down for me.

I can send you some pictures, if you want. *waggles eyebrows suggestively*
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I'm not suprised, you little hottie! You should definitely send me more pics. I'll add them to the file -- wha, who me, a stalker?
 
intothewoods said:
I'm not suprised, you little hottie! You should definitely send me more pics. I'll add them to the file -- wha, who me, a stalker?
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Giggety Giggety, Gig-A-DEE!

*rubs hands together* So are you an ass woman or a tit woman? I have both kinds.
 
satindesire said:
Giggety Giggety, Gig-A-DEE!

*rubs hands together* So are you an ass woman or a tit woman? I have both kinds.
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Um, hee hee. I have no idea. I actually haven't looked at pictures of just naked women since I was...pregnant! No lie. I went through a whole girl phase. :confused:
 
intothewoods said:
Um, hee hee. I have no idea. I actually haven't looked at pictures of just naked women since I was...pregnant! No lie. I went through a whole girl phase. :confused:
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Really?! I've been going through a girl phase as well. A chubby girl phase, as a matter of fact.

PM me with your Yahoo ID or an email I can send them to.
 
I don't know, I kinda liked it. But I bought this pattern for my wedding dress that I absolutely loved, and I eloped the first time so didn't get to make it, so when the time comes that I get marrried again, I'll be damned if I'm not going to get my dream dress!

The castle setting I'll nudge on, but nto the dress ;)
 
Homburg said:
You know, I don't think I know any male in my personal life that says "I don't think I've done enough for me." And I don't say that in a disparaging way towards women. I think it is rooted in the pathology of the typical woman to constantly put other before herself, and moreso with submissives.

Moreover, I think guys have an easier time doing for ourselves in this sense. There is less societal guilt about such things. If I want to indulge in a "guilty" pleasure, I check my pocket/account to see if I have enough cash to burn, then my workload to make sure I have time. If the answer is yes to each, I'm likely to just go do it.

[/COLOR]
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This is why the Dick Cavett interview with Katherine Hepburn still lights my fire. She called it "living like a man" and I suddenly felt like there were others like me again.

Maybe it's just because I'm an only child, but I've neither understood nor always been the most patient with this kind of personality.
 
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