Self-confidence

[Aurora Black]

The next part is to identify that voice that keeps telling you that you're bad, wrong, ugly, stupid... whatever words it uses. I have a friend who calls it "The Invader." I call mine, "The Beast." Whatever term you want to use, just identify it... and then assign those thoughts to your Beast whenever they come up. If you start thinking, "God, why did I did that? I'm so stupid!" Remember, that isn't the *real you* talking... that's the Beast. Then say two (not one, but two) good things to yourself... "I'm not stupid, I just made a mistake." and "I'm going to take responsibility for what I did and apologize, because I'm a good person." Sounds hokey, but like Aurora said about affirmation therapy... it works. I'm a fan of whatever works...

Where my "Beast" is concerned, it really helped when I began to confront it. I read this in a self-esteem workbook and it works: The next time your Beast starts talking shit about you, say "Shut up," or "That's not true," or you can even curse at it. If you do this whenever it shows up, it won't stick around as long and eventually it will stop coming alltogether.

Obviously, you can't shout/curse at the Beast in public. In that case, whispering or mentally giving it a tongue lashing will do.

 

[Liar]

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?).

Been there, done that. Turning point was a conversation with a friend (one of those friends that I was sure didn't actually like me). I voiced my "Why would they?" and was greeted with a "Well, why would they not?"

Am I an annoying weirdo? No.
Am I a pompous prick? No.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? No.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? No.

Basically, worst case scenario, I'd be kind of boring. And seriously, if someone can't bring themself to like me as a person, just because I don't dazzle with every breath, their opinion of me is not worth much.

Like Cat said, we're too damn obsessed with perfection sometimes. When the truth is that everone is a little plain, or a little different, or a little nervous, and a lot convinced that nobody else is.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Been there, done that. Turning point was a conversation with a friend (one of those friends that I was sure didn't actually like me). I voiced my "Why would they?" and was greeted with a "Well, why would they not?"

Am I an annoying weirdo? No.
Am I a pompous prick? No.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? No.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? No.

Basically, worst case scenario, I'd be kind of boring. And seriously, if someone can't bring themself to like me as a person, just because I don't dazzle with every breath, their opinion of me is not worth much.
.

Can I just say that I think Liar is the coolest person ever?

 

[Aurora Black]

Can I just say that I think Liar is the coolest person ever?

And he doesn't smell like squid in a bucket. That's a bonus.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Am I an annoying weirdo? No.
Am I a pompous prick? No.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? No.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? No.

I feel compelled to answer these questions myself:
Am I an annoying weirdo? Yes
Am I a pompous prick? No.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? No.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? Sometimes

 

[Recidiva]

Been there, done that. Turning point was a conversation with a friend (one of those friends that I was sure didn't actually like me). I voiced my "Why would they?" and was greeted with a "Well, why would they not?"

Am I an annoying weirdo? No.
Am I a pompous prick? No.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? No.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? No.

Basically, worst case scenario, I'd be kind of boring. And seriously, if someone can't bring themself to like me as a person, just because I don't dazzle with every breath, their opinion of me is not worth much.

Like Cat said, we're too damn obsessed with perfection sometimes. When the truth is that everone is a little plain, or a little different, or a little nervous, and a lot convinced that nobody else is.

Am I an annoying weirdo? Yes.
Am I a pompous prick? Sometimes.
Am I a backstabbing sonowabitch? Making fun of people I adore so it looks like they might be even though I adore them and they get it and maybe you don't? Yes.
So I smell like squid in a bucket? *sniff*

 

[scriptordelecto]

I know just how you feel. For years I've struggled with the same problem. Even though I have a wonderful husband, a sweet little girl, and a good job, I still find myself wondering why. I think Cloudy and Carson have it right. Faking it has gotten me through some really terrifying events in my life. (Interviews, double dates, etc.)

 

[Aurora Black]

Faking can only get you so far IMO.

 

[scriptordelecto]

Faking can only get you so far IMO.

Certainly I agree within reason, but I don't think it's intended to be a fix-all, rather a stepping stone toward a new way of thinking. It is a path that works for some of us, but it may not be for everyone.

 

[cantdog]

Besides, it is exactly the method everyone uses to get over shyness.

Shyness is universal, and the way one does it is to just act like they haven't got it. Before long, no one can tell one ever was shy, not even oneself. Works every time.

But depression and its components are of a different order. Playing like it ain't there is helpful, but something else is needed.

Self-forgiveness is a good first step, I think. You have to figure out you're okay.

 

[scriptordelecto]

I may be crazy here(that is so within the realm of possibility), but does anyone else think that self-confidence issues contributed to their desire to write? I for one can function in reality, but I'm more comfortable with the characters in my head because I know that they won't judge me. It's the same reason I've had my nose in a book for the last twenty-some years. Good old-fashioned escapism.

 

[Aurora Black]

I may be crazy here(that is so within the realm of possibility), but does anyone else think that self-confidence issues contributed to their desire to write?

Big time. When I was at my worst, I went several years without writing a word. I didn't see the point of doing it, despite how much I loved it. When my situation began to improve, I went back to writing with gusto and eventually decided to go public with my work.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Lots of good advice in this thread!

I'd agree with the ones that say you have to question your inner monologue when it starts to go down the familiar path of self-doubt. Very often, those negative reactions are just reflexes that have no justification - what some therapists call 'cognitive distortions'. Ask yourself questions, like:

Have I really done something that would make this person dislike me, such as being mean to them?

Is this person giving me signals that they dislike me? Are there other explanations for their behavior?

Is this a situation where I absolutely have to be "liked", or do I just need to demonstrate some competence?

Am I fixating on a single fault and letting that color my view of the whole situation?

This sort of talking-back to those negative thought cycles helps to break them, and also helps to take some focus off yourself, and shifts it to the situation at hand.

 

[Captain Midnight]

Self-confidence problems are for everybody ...

This is probably an odd place to post this kind of thread, but since y'all are family, it seems like a good one to me.

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?). It's not always super bad, but it never actually goes away. So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well.

I think this is actually where alot of my depression comes from, but I'm finding my depression is completely hormonally related (only get depressed twice a month- ovulation and pms), so I'm going to see a dr about getting my hormone levels checked out or something. I'd rather that than go on anti-depressants, if I can help it. In the meantime, it seems about time to deal with this self-perception problem.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Back in the early days of the sexual revlution, there was a TV public service announcement where a woman who sounded like Karen Carpenter (maybe she was?) sang a deliberately dischordant and minor-key haunting song called "VD is for everybody," with images of smiling people from infants to grandmothers shown briefly. It wasn't very sophisticated, but it was a not-so-gentle reminder that nobody was invulnerable to anything.

That's how it is with low self-esteem. Anybody can suffer from it, and I think a lot of people do. I could go on for pages about my own self-esteem problems and how to deal with them.

One thing I absolutely loathe is people being judgmental about other people. It is extremely easy to stereotype people based on perceived appearance, how they speak, and their personal traits. I get ticked off when people say "ain't" and various other word combinations, and I get ticked off when they swear in public or use cusswords. That's my own personal stereotype. But I try very hard to hold my tongue.

Others, however, don't. I reviewed another board where a woman asking for help got a lot of flak for the situation she was in. I said a few nasties to the judgmental people before deciding they weren't worth it and "backing down."

I was startled when one lady posted a notice where another woman asked her "what part of Africa she was from." I had no idea this woman was African-American until that comment was posted. I steroetyped the women on here as being Anglos unless they stated otherwise in specific terms. As an actor, I've worked with mixed-race casts, even have cast some roles with non-Caucasian actors when they were the best ones for the position; even cast women in men's roles (not vice-versa yet). The stereotype and the prejudices still linger, though ... there are some occasions onstage where it is physically totally illogical to have African-Americans play the parts of white people (usually because they play parent-child or siblings), or for women to take men's roles, (such as the one where a young woman played a middle-aged man's role as the slave to a Roman master -- think about that one) and they don't make me feel good -- especially when some people seem to share them. Believe me, some do ... and I am deeply ashamed of myself.

The next essay I publish here will be one on how a fire-and-brimstone preacher lashed out at homosexuality by twisting Scripture. I'm still straight as they get (and very sensitive to being called a "pretty boy", but I wanted to call that man a blasphemer to his face and engage in a fist fight right there on the sanctuary floor. I expected to get beaten up and probably to get thrown in jail, and figured that wouldn't have been so bad if I directly challenged the man. (I didn't, of course. I went dead silent and walked out on that particular church. The man wasn't worth it.)

It's easy to put someone down. Some people mix up constructive with destructive criticism. I hear a goodly amount of that from various sources. I get very, very quiet at times like that. Part of me wants to apologize to the critic, part of me wants to really lay it on with destructive criticism of my own. I get into a lot of quiet rebellions where I hide out and refuse to talk to people. I rebel by joining this site and other sites. I back away from friends at the slightest sign that I'm bothering them. (I don't think I have many friends, judging from the number of people I back away from.)

In my line of work, I get beaten on (verbally) a lot because of a corporate fight, although there were many problems long before that. Both sides have the "I'm right, the other person's wrong, therefore you are wrong" attitude. Some people I know urge me to just carry on the way I have been doing, out of old-fashioned values; others encourage me to walk away from these people and others. Neither decision would be easy, because what if some of the ************* are right on some things? (Not to mention some of the decent people.) Or they could be right about some things and wrong about others.

This is mostly a whine, I suppose, but it's meant to tell the people on this thread (some of whom I know) that I sympathize with you and want to support you. I've told some people about my own hassles, and I've told them also that I'm delighted to hear from them no matter what they have to say. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I intend to be nonjudgmental and courteous to everyone who takes the time to contact me.

Best wishes,

Captain Midnight

 

[carsonshepherd]

Faking can only get you so far IMO.

All "faking it" does is make other people see you the way you want to be.. and then that self mirrors back to you, so that you see that in yourself, and it helps shape your perception of yourself, so that you really can be that person - at least, most of the time. The shyness, doubts and fears are still there, but they are not controlling your actions anymore. You are choosing your own version of yourself, to show to others, and ultimately, to be.

 

[Aurora Black]

All "faking it" does is make other people see you the way you want to be.. and then that self mirrors back to you, so that you see that in yourself, and it helps shape your perception of yourself, so that you really can be that person - at least, most of the time. The shyness, doubts and fears are still there, but they are not controlling your actions anymore. You are choosing your own version of yourself, to show to others, and ultimately, to be.

Don't take offense. My approach is different, that's all.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I think part of the equation is learning to be comfortable with who you are.

There are things we're all good at, and things we're not so good at. Learn to recognize your strengths and limitations.

I think I'm pretty self aware. I know what I'm good at, or what I know. I also realize things I'm not good at, or don't know. I'm comfortable with my strengths and limitations. Being comfortable and admitting your strenghts is very closely tied to self confidence.

Being able to freely admit both is a big step on the path to inner peace.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

For me, at least, it's remembering that anyone who disapproves of you is being subjective, not objective. It's just their opinion. No reason that yours should be negative regarding yourself, just because of theirs. Just my two cents.

I don't know if that helps, but it works for me.

HUGS.

 

[MagicaPractica]

This is probably an odd place to post this kind of thread, but since y'all are family, it seems like a good one to me.

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?). It's not always super bad, but it never actually goes away. So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well.

I think this is actually where alot of my depression comes from, but I'm finding my depression is completely hormonally related (only get depressed twice a month- ovulation and pms), so I'm going to see a dr about getting my hormone levels checked out or something. I'd rather that than go on anti-depressants, if I can help it. In the meantime, it seems about time to deal with this self-perception problem.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Hormones tend to make the feelings I already have more intense. Though, ovulation just seems to make me horny.

Guess I'm just going to re-iterate a lot of what others have said but here is my personal thinking on the self-confidence, a lot of times it has to do with the messages we are unconciously giving ourselves. They roll through our brain so fast we don't even know it has happened. We have to slow down the tapes and challenge what we are telling ourselves. Sometimes it is because at some point in our lives someone else has given us those bad messages and when they left we carried on for them. I worked with someone who would make a mistake and start calling herself stupid out loud. That is an easy example of a tape that she could challenge. I would stop her and make her aware of what she was telling herself. We have to learn to stop ourselves and challenge what we are telling ourselves. *hugs*

 

[Aurora Black]

If anything, the number of replies in this thread should let you know that you are cared for here.

We want you to be happy and well, SJ. Never forget that.

 

[S-Des]

If anything, the number of replies in this thread should let you know that you are cared for here.

We want you to be happy and well, SJ. Never forget that.

I completely agree (and happily add my name to the list).

To me, you try everything. You "fake it" like others who think it will help them improve through seeing approval in other's eyes, mantras to help you gain self-esteem, being honest with your friends (who will supporty you), etc... Do anything to make it better. Don't sit around and wait for help to come. I've made enormous strides in the last 8 months (which I won't bore you with), just because I found a way to try (one that worked for me). But what made me happier (which is still a daily battle), might be completely ineffective for you.

Just don't be afraid to ask for help. There are always people here who want to help (not just you, but anyone who needs it). Sometimes helping someone else is the best way to help yourself.

 

[impressive]

Hormones tend to make the feelings I already have more intense.

Yes, I agree. I also have come to believe -- due to my personal efforts to control my blood sugar -- that insulin has at least as big a role in mood as the reproductive hormones.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I believe that the starting point is this: Your purpose in life is your own happiness. Many conclusions spring from this premise that can only take you in good directions in this regard.


On a separate issue, I don't get all the reluctance to take meds. If the meds lower a huge barrier to achieving your purpose in life, why in the world would anyone hesitate? If they don't work or cause a bunch of negative side effects, quit. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

One possible source of reluctance might be the idea that they will make you a different person. I have never heard anyone with personal experience say that this happens, so you can set aside that fear.

 

[human_male]

I have the exact same problem, but only really concerning my attractiveness to the opposite sex. I just can't see myself as desirable. I'm sure a large factor is what I call bad luck with women over the years and if I had more of a track record it would boost my ego a bit. I'm struggling with it at the moment with someone I think has a crush on me, or has at least noticed me. I keep thinking I'll go and talk to her, then I look in the mirror and think "god, how could someone as gorgeous as that possibly be interested in you." It really sucks. I've always been like this really, but you'd think at thirty six I'd be coming to terms with myself.

I've come to deal with it partly by hiding it, partly by being blaze about it, and partly developing a who gives a fuck attitude which is bad because I've simply stopped trying to meet people.

I don't really know how to help you, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

[human_male]

Sorry I didn't mean to kill the thread. Go about your business, just pretend I didn't say anything.