Self-confidence

[sophia jane]

This is probably an odd place to post this kind of thread, but since y'all are family, it seems like a good one to me.

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?). It's not always super bad, but it never actually goes away. So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well.

I think this is actually where alot of my depression comes from, but I'm finding my depression is completely hormonally related (only get depressed twice a month- ovulation and pms), so I'm going to see a dr about getting my hormone levels checked out or something. I'd rather that than go on anti-depressants, if I can help it. In the meantime, it seems about time to deal with this self-perception problem.

Thoughts? Experiences?

 

[cloudy]

I think everybody is insecure to some extent, hon...you're not alone, not by a long shot.

I think the key is to act like you have confidence. After awhile, your actions somehow morph into actually having more self-confidence, sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. (it works, I promise)

I'm insecure about some things still. I suppose I always will be. Even the most self-confidant people still have sore spots.

One thing is to stop being so hard on yourself. No one expects you to be perfect...we love you just the way you are.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I think everyone has this sort of feelings sometimes, Sophia. I can't really offer any practical advice if they escalate into a clinical condition such as depression, but I think it was Carson who said it better the other day: I often think people don't like me, but then I remember that most of the time I don't like many of them either. It all balances out. And believe me, you're always loved by more people than what you're aware.

 

[Honey123]

This is probably an odd place to post this kind of thread, but since y'all are family, it seems like a good one to me.

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?). It's not always super bad, but it never actually goes away. So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well.

I think this is actually where alot of my depression comes from, but I'm finding my depression is completely hormonally related (only get depressed twice a month- ovulation and pms), so I'm going to see a dr about getting my hormone levels checked out or something. I'd rather that than go on anti-depressants, if I can help it. In the meantime, it seems about time to deal with this self-perception problem.

Thoughts? Experiences?

I'm the President of my own Self-Conscious Fan Club....

I am usually backing down from compliments, always coming up with reasons why you shouldn't think the way you think about me...

but it's not just with looks...it's with everything I do. Sometimes I feel nothing I do is good enough ~ or will be looked upon as 99%.

Vana would always try to make me see that I was a beautiful person...yet, even words from a Goddess herself, didn't make it any easier...and that does push people away. You push them away without even realizing it. They leave because they feel they have done everything they can and if you won't accept it, why stay, why bother.

So, there are times that I change my way of thinking...I take peoples compliments and when I walk away from the situation, I think..OMG, I sounded so conceited or worse!!!!!

There must be a balance...when and if I find it, I will let you know...

Until then, believe me, I am honest in saying you are beautiful, smart and funny....I don't give out compliments to people unless I truly believe that. Because I don't want someone to tell me something if they just feel I want to hear it....I wouldn't hurt somone like that ....

So again....to me, you ARE beautiful...you ARE smart and you ARE funny....

 

[sophia jane]

I'm the President of my own Self-Conscious Fan Club....

I am usually backing down from compliments, always coming up with reasons why you shouldn't think the way you think about me...

but it's not just with looks...it's with everything I do. Sometimes I feel nothing I do is good enough ~ or will be looked upon as 99%.

Vana would always try to make me see that I was a beautiful person...yet, even words from a Goddess herself, didn't make it any easier...and that does push people away. You push them away without even realizing it. They leave because they feel they have done everything they can and if you won't accept it, why stay, why bother.

So, there are times that I change my way of thinking...I take peoples compliments and when I walk away from the situation, I think..OMG, I sounded so conceited or worse!!!!!

There must be a balance...when and if I find it, I will let you know...

Until then, believe me, I am honest in saying you are beautiful, smart and funny....I don't give out compliments to people unless I truly believe that. Because I don't want someone to tell me something if they just feel I want to hear it....I wouldn't hurt somone like that ....

So again....to me, you ARE beautiful...you ARE smart and you ARE funny....

Thanks for this, both for the compliments and your experience. That's exactly what I'm talking about, and while I'm glad you get what I'm saying, I hate it for you. Because it's a rough, rough thing to deal with. I said to someone yesterday- "I wonder if I'll ever really believe anyone actually likes me" and his reply "I don't know. But I like you." I looked at him, and thought about it, and then said "I don't actually believe that." It's like I hear what they're saying, I even know that they're honest people, but I can't make sense of it in my head.

And btw, I think you're beautiful and smart and funny, too. And like you, I don't give out false compliments.

 

[Recidiva]

It's one of those things that isn't usually related to a sense of wanting to control things, but it is, to a large extent, at least to me.

Once I gave up the idea that I could, or should, control what other people thought about me, and just went about being me, and doing what I wanted to do, I did discover not so many people were happy with me.

But for the first time, being myself, I also discovered people who truly liked me for being myself. Imperfect, flawed, and uncontrolling.

 

[lil_elvis_lover]

I know these feelings all too well.

I've been lucky enouhg to have someone support me and push me to assert myself and become more self-confident. Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there, but it sure is a BIG help to know someone's there to catch you.

 

[impressive]

I have no suggestions. I think you're a beautiful person regardless of how you feel about yourself.

As the others have said, everyone experiences crises of self-confidence. For some, it's isolated. For others, it's a lifestyle.

I have a really difficult time understanding the latter. I try to empathize and to offer reassurances, but I often reach a point where I get pissed off that my words aren't believed & I simply stop saying them. (I don't stop believing them myself, though.) I can only repeat myself so many times before I run out of patience & feel insulted by the dismissal of my assertions. It's like having someone throw away a gift you made especially for them.

I understand your desire to avoid antidepressants. While they work for some, they were NOT the solution for me -- even in my darkest times. I hope you find an approach that works for you.

Good luck!

 

[Honey123]

Thanks for this, both for the compliments and your experience. That's exactly what I'm talking about, and while I'm glad you get what I'm saying, I hate it for you. Because it's a rough, rough thing to deal with. I said to someone yesterday- "I wonder if I'll ever really believe anyone actually likes me" and his reply "I don't know. But I like you." I looked at him, and thought about it, and then said "I don't actually believe that." It's like I hear what they're saying, I even know that they're honest people, but I can't make sense of it in my head.

And btw, I think you're beautiful and smart and funny, too. And like you, I don't give out false compliments.

Thanks, SJ...

It's funny...when I left my job one of my bosses grabbed my chin and said to me, "You are beautiful" and I just looked at him and waved him off...

It's funny...as much as I want to believe what he said...wanting to believe that HE MEANT it (or anyone when they say that) is more important...

I didn't have a horrible child-life...I was complimented on my looks from when I was a baby...but I don't understand where this came from....I even won beauty contests...was in a modelling school....and when I say this, I think people will be laughing and thinking, "YEAH YOU A MODEL????" I'm more embarassed about going through that stuff and saying that I hate the way I look...but why I tell you this isn't to "put myself out there for people to say wow..." it's to say that, I even tried to boost my confidence levels up...and it didn't work.

I don't know what people like you and I are looking for....I wish I had the answers. I wish I could wave a wand and just be happy and make you happy too...

Before I started to exercise, and my husband and I would make love, all I would have to do was look down and see a roll in my tummy and I'd lose it!!! I couldn't bring myself to orgasm....I'd just want it over with, so I could cover my body up...and I wasn't even overweight...

It's a confidence thing for sure....I know many people who are confident in their looks and I admire them so.

 

[oggbashan]

Small steps are the way forward

I used to have difficulty with public speaking. That was a severe problem with my then role. Gradually I practised speaking for longer and longer.

The lack of self-confidence was still there but each time I made a speech successfully I could tell myself that I had done this before and could do it again.

Inside I still feel worried about public appearances yet I perform on cue. I could stop tomorrow because what I do is voluntary. What keeps me making speeches, addressing meetings, giving interviews etc. is the knowledge that many of my friends find public speaking even harder than I do.

If I could learn to move that facility from the public arena to social occasions then my self-confidence would be improved. I have an excuse for my lack of skills in a party situation - I'm slightly deaf and background music or general conversation makes it difficult for me to listen to what someone is saying to me. I know that is an excuse. I've been nervous at parties almost all my life.

All I can do is make an effort every time, even though I feel conspicuous and awkward. If I find that I am enjoying a party it seems like a miracle. It usually isn't - it is one or two friends who are willing to talk to me, knowing that I sometimes miss what they are saying. The tolerance of others is great for one's self-confidence.

One thing I have tried is to talk to the person who looks excluded from the group, to involve the 'wallflower' with others and to listen carefully to what they have to say. Concentrating on making someone else comfortable can help make you at ease as well.

You are not alone. Even some apparently gregarious people can be worried about how they are perceived by others - they are just better at compensating.

Og

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I hate myself and everything I have ever said or done. I don't take compliments well, and I have no idea how to make friends or be a normal human being most days.

But the days where I do have some self confidence are some of the best ever. Being down all the time makes the highs seem a little more fun to me

 

[McKenna]

You're not alone, SJ, not by a long shot. I think some of us just fake it better than others.

I also know that even when people reassure us of our "worth," we may feel good for a moment or two, or even an afternoon, but unless we believe it ourselves, the feeling eventually goes away and we're right back where we started from.

This spring as I was visiting my gynecologist, I had a bit of a revelation. (And he did, too! Ha ha ha.) Anyway, as the exam wound down and we were into the question and answer period, we talked about some issues I was facing, weight gain, self-perception, etc. At one point I looked up and asked him, "I'm thirty-two... how many more child-bearing years do you think I have left in me?" And then I promptly broke down and cried.

All this after I had already opened up to him about my worries.

He's a great doctor, one who listens and doesn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. He just looked at me and said, "Would you like to try some anti-depressants for a while, just until you can start feeling better about yourself?"

I explained to him my hesitation in using anti-D's, even though depression ran in my family. He explained about a new kind of anti-depressant that targets a different area of the brain than other anti-depressants. I asked him about the side effects, if I could stop taking them at any time --basically I asked him every question I ever had about anti-depressants.

I'm saying all of this because if you're comfortable with thinking your "imbalances" are hormonal, you might also rethink the idea that they may be chemical, as well. Anti-depressants help with that. Trust me when I say I had quite a lot of concerns with taking anti-depressants, but I'm very glad I did. It's not a magic "cure all," but it does seem to calm things down enough so that you can concentrate on other things instead of getting caught in a quagmire of negativity.

The other thing that might help is therapy. A therapist can help you work on your issues and retrain your thought patterns --or at the very least, they can help you understand your current thought patterns/behavior and in turn, that can help you make the changes you feel are necessary. I know therapy can be expensive, and I don't know your financial situation, but there are some therapists who will work with you on payment options, and, if you're going to university, you might check out your student health department. A lot of schools will offer counseling for free.

I'm speaking from personal experience here, and I can only share with you what has worked for me. I would encourage you to look at all your options. It's no fun being caught in a negative cycle of thinking about ourselves; it's no way to live. It sounds like you're at a point where you want to tackle the problem head-on, and I'd encourage you to do so.

My PM box is always open should you wish to talk about this further. I've been there, as have many others. I'm still there in many ways ...but I'm getting better at dealing with it.

 

[L_homme]

This is probably an odd place to post this kind of thread, but since y'all are family, it seems like a good one to me.

I suffer from a terrible self-confidence problem. Basically, I'm super insecure about myself, and it translates into me being convinced people don't actually like me (Because why would they?). It's not always super bad, but it never actually goes away. So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well.

I think this is actually where alot of my depression comes from, but I'm finding my depression is completely hormonally related (only get depressed twice a month- ovulation and pms), so I'm going to see a dr about getting my hormone levels checked out or something. I'd rather that than go on anti-depressants, if I can help it. In the meantime, it seems about time to deal with this self-perception problem.

Thoughts? Experiences?

A lot of it has to do with your mood level. For example, after exercise you feel better after endorphins get released. But what you say looks more than just having an off day and more to do with your biology? No one feels 100% all of the time and I don't think being confident has everything to do with how you look. You're being confident just by bringing it up here. You are right in saying it's mostly a self perception problem. But try not to let it overtake you.

 

[rgraham666]

I understand this too damn well.

Self esteem, like all human things, are learned. A child has to learn through support and success that they can do good. And that they can make mistakes without endangering how people feel about them.

Which is where the problems lie.

In my family, as I've bitched many times before, the best I could hope for was to be fed, clothed and housed. 'Silly' things like self esteem were not important. And any requests for support beyond the basics were, uhm, discouraged. Sometimes forcefully.

But it can be overcome. You learn by doing, and by changing the way you talk to yourself. If you look, you'll find a lot of your internal talk is just past experience talking. You can change that.

So *HUGS* SJ. I believe in you. You can learn that too.

 

[Aurora Black]

Warning: Long & personal post

So, the question: anyone else struggle with this? How do you get over it? Because it's really getting on my nerves about myself, and I know it's hard for my friends and family as well...

Thoughts? Experiences?

SJ, you are a wonderful person who is capable and worthy of great amounts of love. You are not alone in this.

Oh, God. Experiences. Let's just say that my life up until the last six years wasn't sunshine and roses. A lot of unpleasant things happened to me growing up and for a long time I actually believed I was worth nothing, and that the best thing to do for myself and others was to end my life.

Luckily, I never gave into that impulse but for several years my life was a living hell. I hated myself. I hated the world. I didn't take care of my body. I didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone, most of all myself. I gave up too easily on what I wanted. I let people take advantage of me. When someone did something bad to me, instead of calling them on it, I swallowed my anger. I was a social outcast who hardly left the house and spent a lot of time alone. I wasn't living my life, I was hiding from it.

Then I got into Psychology and I began to understand why I acted and felt the way I did, and I used what I learned to try and stop myself from spiraling down even further. I began to realize that I had the power to make things better or worse, no one else. I began to stop thinking of myself as a victim, and I took steps to gain control over my life and what I wanted to happen in it.

The first test of this was when I ran into difficulty during my studies. The classes I took were very intense and hard, and I didn't think I was going to make it through. My first impulse was to admit defeat and drop the classes (therefore losing the degree that I was so close to getting), but this new part of me that had emerged told me to keep going and fight for what I want. I continued and graduated with honors.

The second test was when I met my boyfriend. My mother disapproved of him at first because we met online, and she kept telling me to get rid of him. I realize she was afraid for my safety, but I knew deep inside that he was honest and good. So I fought to be with him, establishing my independence from my parents by getting a (shitty) job and working my ass off to earn the money for a plane ticket to Europe. I went after what I wanted, and I eventually got it.

After that, there were several tests involving settling into a foreign environment, weight loss, going through school, writing, etc.

The tests never end as long as you live.

The transformation of my mind and body wasn't an easy one by any stretch of the imagination, but it was all my doing and I wouldn't change a damn thing if I had the chance to do it all over again. I no longer recognize the person I was, literally and figuratively. Now I'm much more open to how I feel and how those close to me feel, I know my own worth and talent, I'm way more social than before, and I'm a hell of a lot happier.

Okay, that's it with the past stuff. These days I have my ups and downs just like everybody else, but now I tend to snap out of them sooner than before. Whenever I was depressed 10 years ago, it lasted for months and maybe even a whole year. Now the dark spells last only a day or so.

My thoughts on this are as follows:

You need to focus on the one thing (or more) about yourself that you absolutely love and keep it in mind every single day. It could be anything from your eyes to your personality. You have to take it and hold it close to you like a security blanket. Don't let anyone take it away from you, not even yourself. This is very important.

Affirmation therapy is known to yield great results.

I know that some people frown upon self-help books and hypnosis therapy, but I believe in them and they've helped me a great deal in breaking out of my shell and feeling good about myself after all those years of feeling like shit.

BTW, I'm also against meds.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I understand this too. I don't have low self-esteem or really lack self-confidence, but I do have Social Anxiety Disorder. For me that translates into extreme self-consciousness and fear of embarrassment in social situations.

I only recently discovered that my problem has a name but I've had it all my life. I've taught myself coping mechanisms over the years.

The main one is what Cloudy said - fake it. I can fake it so well, I even convince myself. Most people are shocked when I tell them I have the SAD because I am so convincing... It's only when I give into it that I become reclusive and nervous around others. Most of the time, I won't allow myself to be controlled by an emotional disorder.

One thing that has helped me is to do ONE thing every day that challenges me. One thing that I don't want to do, or that my disorder (I think of it as a voice in my head) tells me I can't do.

I also visualize. I visualize myself as a confident and outgoing and likeable person, and most of the time, I am. When I'm not, I don't let it show. I'm not going to let this thing in my head win. In your case, it might be depression that is holding you back... I'm glad to hear you're seeking some medical advice for it.

Love ya

 

[carsonshepherd]

My thoughts on this are as follows:

You need to focus on the one thing (or more) about yourself that you absolutely love and keep it in mind every single day. It could be anything from your eyes to your personality. You have to take it and hold it close to you like a security blanket. Don't let anyone take it away from you, not even yourself. This is very important.

.

I like this - I think of it as a winning or losing thing. I am going to let these negative thoughts win, or I am going to beat them by controlling my own actions?

 

[impressive]

The main one is what Cloudy said - fake it. I can fake it so well, I even convince myself. Most people are shocked when I tell them I have the SAD because I am so convincing... It's only when I give into it that I become reclusive and nervous around others.

This is so totally me with introversion & "stage fright." I fake it well. (Booze helps, too.)

 

[Aurora Black]

I like this - I think of it as a winning or losing thing. I am going to let these negative thoughts win, or I am going to beat them by controlling my own actions?

You are your own worst enemy.

ETA: But you can also be your own best friend.

 

[LadyCibelle]

Looks like self-confidence isn't given to everyone at birth huh?

I, too, suffer from that terrible condition called "what if they don't mean what they say" and it's hell.

I've mostly raised my kids on my own without any help and when people tell me how well adjusted, well mannered, polite and respectful they are, and how great a job I did I can't help but say 'pfft' they're normal kids.

I've put myself to college and universities while raising those kids, there's one year left on my road to achieve a double Masters degree but still, when people tell me I should be proud of what I've accomplished the first thing that pops to my mind is 'yeah sure...and the pope is my best friend too "

My husband tells me countless times that I'm beautiful, everything he's ever wanted in life....fuck he's crossed the ocean just to be with me, left job, family and friends in England just to be with ME....but still....there's that little voice always in my head telling me he's gonna wake up soon and realize what a big mistakes he's made.

People, even people who don't know me, say that I'm easy to talk to, non-judgemental, friend, warm and caring....still, it doesn't stop me from thinking that they're saying this only to be nice and don't really mean it.

I could keep on and on like that, but I don't need to. I know you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't know where it stems from...I just know that somewhere, somehow someone crushed that inner child so hard that she can't stand up on her own two feet anymore.

These days, I'm trying to teach her to say 'thank you' when someone tells her something nice and leave it at that. Even if I have to pinch myself, kick myself or leave the situation completely to prevent me from saying anything else, I'm doing it. I don't alway succeed, in fact I seldom do...but everything I DO succeed in a little step I've taken on the road to believing I'm loveable, llikeable, good enough, bright enough, intelligent enough, sweet enough,sexy enough etc...

We've never had any exchanges but I want to say that from all the posts I've read from you and/or about you.....YOU are someone special who deserves the recognition and love.

 

[Aurora Black]

It takes a lot of effort to accept compliments and believe you deserve them, but once you do... it feels SO GOOD.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

SJ, I wish I could help you with the self-confidence problem. I suffer from it myself. It's a hard life to live when you are so unsure of yourself and how others perceive you.

Good luck on getting the hormonal depression taken care of. *hugs*

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Looks like self-confidence isn't given to everyone at birth huh?

Actually, it IS... have you ever seen a baby comparing itself to another baby and finding itself coming up short??? Doesn't happen...

the problem is that it gets whittled down over time, by someone, something... or lots of someones and somethings...

I can tell you what I've done that has worked... I'm not all the way there, but these things have helped. First, what Aurora talked about, not being a victim anymore... don't talk about the person that you were as if it was you... past is past... when you talk about your history use "her" instead of I... so instead of "When I was a child, my father beat me..." say, "When SophiaJane was a child, her father beat her..." Say it out loud... feel the difference in your body when you say it... it helps to distance the *real* you from the part of you that still identifies with that scared little girl... (I'm not saying your father beat you, btw, just an example )

The next part is to identify that voice that keeps telling you that you're bad, wrong, ugly, stupid... whatever words it uses. I have a friend who calls it "The Invader." I call mine, "The Beast." Whatever term you want to use, just identify it... and then assign those thoughts to your Beast whenever they come up. If you start thinking, "God, why did I did that? I'm so stupid!" Remember, that isn't the *real you* talking... that's the Beast. Then say two (not one, but two) good things to yourself... "I'm not stupid, I just made a mistake." and "I'm going to take responsibility for what I did and apologize, because I'm a good person." Sounds hokey, but like Aurora said about affirmation therapy... it works. I'm a fan of whatever works...

the thing about self-esteem issues is that you can get stuck in a very vicious circle when it comes down to it... wallowing in self-pity... which is just where the Beast wants you to be. Don't let him (or her) get the best of you. Take the best parts of you back and give them to the world, as a gift...

One of my favorite quotes from a novel is at the end of Beloved, when Sethe tells her man, "She was my best thing..." and he tells her, "No, Sethe... you are your best thing... you..." and she repeats, disbelieving, "Me?... Me?"

Yes. You.

 

[privyjo]

Thanks for the thread, Sophia Jane. Insecurity is the bane of my existence and leads me to act out the age old inferiority/superiority complex. And therefore I make a terrible first impression which makes me feel even more insecure. Bad first impressions are hard to overcome but I just keep at it. I have learned over the years that given time I end up liking - and become close friends with - the people who made a bad first impression with me and vice versa.

Don't have any real advice or anything - just really wanted to say I can identify with your initial post.

On holding onto one thing I like about myself -

My hair. I am really vain about my hair. It is thick and vibrant and has been streaked with gray since I was in my late twenties. I have been asked if I tint my hair. No, I don't. I have met a lot of people because they want to comment on my hair. And you really don't want to be around me when I am having a bad hair day!

 

[SeaCat]

Sometimes, many times, our western society teaches us that unless we are perfect we are worthless. Unless we have the perfect body, the perfect smile and the perfect job then we are shit. Unless our social life fits within certain perfect boundaries then we are shit. Our western society, the greatest in the world, (Or so they say.) teaches us to feel like shit about ourselves.

You don't look like a model and our clothes don't look right on your body? You are Shit!

You don't like this drink? Then you are Shit!

You don't like this or that sport? Guess what? You are Shit!

You aren't perfect? Well then you are Shit!

I, unlike so many people in our society was lucky. I was raised slighlty differently. I was taught that it wasn't how you looked or who you kissed that was important. It was what you did and how you thought that was important.

I say I was lucky in this because when I was 16 I was driving home from school and a drunk driver ran a stop sign and broadsided me. I was in the hospital for 182 days. I walke dout of the hospital with more metal in me than most new cars and a face that could have been a model for the Phantom of the Opera. Over the next several years I went through several surgeries to repair my face, not to mention other parts of my body. I survived because I just didn't give a shit about how I looked.

Oh yes there were tough times, times when my classmates shunned me. Times when people harrased me because of my looks or worse, tried to take pity on me. These were the times when I asked Classmates to go to a dance or the Prom and they laughed in my face. I went anyways.

In my Senior Year I did date. I dated a young woman who like me had been involved in a car accident. Her Boyfriend was drunk. She came back to school wearing a HALO. I met her one day as she sat in the hallway crying. Her so called friends had abandoned her. I sat down next to her and just kept her company. (I also scared away anyone who would have given her shit. ) We started talking. She knew I understood to some extent what she was going through. My scars were still prominant. We dated all that year as our injuries and scars were healed and repaired.

It isn't what others think of you that is important. It isn't what others think of as perfect or right, it is what you think of as perfect and right. It's not something that happens overnight, and it certainly isn't something that is easy. You have to fight for it, and keep fighting for it. You have to decide that you are not the one who is imperfect, it is society that is imperfect and flawed.

Good luck.

Cat