Seeking Feedback...

[Cooksie]

The link below is to the latest in a series I'm writing that I would very much appreciate hearing feedback on.

A couple specific concerns I have are that I wanted the story as a whole to reflect 'the tease' theme, but I'm worried that the teasing goes on too long (two pages) and may frustrate readers instead of egging them on. Is it too much?

I also tend to play rather fast and loose with grammar at times - and tell myself, rightly or wrongly, that I've good reason for it - so if there are places where it is awkward, I'd like to hear about it.

Of course, I would also love to hear any other comments/critiques that you may have. Thanks so much

The piece is here: Going Public Ch. 3 (Exhibitionist & Voyeur)

 

[the_bragis]

Another satisfied customer

Hello Cooksie,


You know I have dreams, as in sleep dreams, about being chased like that. I am now wondering if it might something other women experience. It's pretty much the same as what you have described here. I am always very scantily dressed, and it's always very exciting. By the way I think you got in touch with your feminine side well here.

Speaking of dreaming, this is exactly the kind of woman my other half dreams about meeting at the mall. He hasn't yet, but that doesn't stop him hopping. Damn it how many times did she climax anyway? I lost count. I think many people have a fantasy about having sex in public, possibly with a stranger/strangers, and being caught, or almost caught. It's an incredibly exciting thought isn' it?

You mentioned you are concerned the tease goes on too long? Well isn't the 'tease' 90% of the pleasure? Don't you find a story that go wham bam straight into the sex is just a little boring? I know I do. My only criticism would be that, I found the second chase frustrating. Be honest now, after following this hot little number all around the shopping centre, and getting horny as all hell, would two young guys like that really agree to another little game of fox and hounds? I don't think so. I found it odd too, that you (she) would be afraid to begin with (A stab of fear lanced into my chest..), after teasing them so outrageously. That confused me, not that it takes much. Or maybe I just misread it. But hey, it's your fantasy not mine.

This is what else I noted as I read it:

I left the apartment with my heart fluttering, second thoughts warring with other more tantalizing thoughts.

I smoothed the material over my pussy - not that the stretchy fabric had wrinkled, although my pubic hair did make for a untamed cross-hatching of tiny crinkles in the fabric

It's not a big deal but you have repeated words in your sentences here.

Now I was the lone sail on a sea of attention, and towing a taut line of appreciation in my wake. that was enough to unwrap my gift box.

You used many different and original metaphors, they are all very good, and certainly added colour and interest to your story. I liked these two the best though.

The only person sitting there had his back to me, but two guys were at the counter.

This sentence felt awkward, to me anyway. Again maybe it's just me.

forcing Muscles to scooch over as he drug his own chair But it was all cheese.

I was teasing them so bad.

I found these sentences confusing. I guess it's probably just slang not used in Australia, but I have to know, what is 'all cheese'? for goodness sake?

“Will you push my button,” I giggled. Oh, I was mean. I couldn’t help it. “Down, please.”

I simply loved this line! Witty little puns like this make readers like me smile.

Ok, overall this is a very enjoyable read. The teasing was fun and hotter than hot, and in my opinion not too long. I will certainly go and read chapters one and two now.

I wish you well with you future writing, and look forward to more chapters.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[Cooksie]

>>Damn it how many times did she climax anyway? I lost count.

I find it interesting that you felt she had so many orgasms - actually only two (or three if you count the preflight snack in the kitchen). hmmm... not sure whether this a good thing (getting your imagination to take over) or a bad thing (failing to describe things accurately).

>>My only criticism would be that, I found the second chase frustrating. Be honest now, after following this hot little number all around the shopping centre, and getting horny as all hell, would two young guys like that really agree to another little game of fox and hounds?

hehe... I don't know about most guys, but at that point I'd agree to anything!! Of course, being teased is something I very much like and feel is its own payoff. Still, do you think I should cut it and go straight to the tent scene? Or, would it be enough to have the guys issue their own challenge, as in "I'm going to get you, and when I do..."?

>>I found it odd too, that you (she) would be afraid to begin with (A stab of fear lanced into my chest..), after teasing them so outrageously.

You're right, this does sort of come out of nowhere - just that this is Anna's first preplanned bit of flashing and she was expecting a 'look, but don't touch' deal, which I should clarify and maybe tone down so it can be one of the reasons she gets so carried away.

>>I found these sentences confusing. I guess it's probably just slang not used in Australia, but I have to know, what is 'all cheese'? for goodness sake?

Cheese or cheesy (or perhaps more properly cheeze and cheezy) means something along the lines of 'sincere bad taste' - as in you know it stinks (like Lindberg cheese), but serve it up anyhow for people to pretend they like it. I suppose you could put most American sitcoms and advertisements in the 'pure cheese' category.

The other two sentences were just me attempting to give Anna a unique voice (scooch isn't even a real word), so it's good to know it didn't work there.

And, truly, thank you so much for all the great comments Very helpful, and I'm grateful

Cooksie