Seeking feedback on new BDSM story

[LuvMyGirl]

I’ve published a couple of vignettes here but this is my first full fledged story. It has been well received but I would love to get some in-depth critique’s from some of the more seasoned writers on lit. The story is about a repressed sex therapist who becomes obsessed with her patients BDSM fantasies. It progresses from there.

I’m hoping for general feedback: what worked, what didn’t, what can be improved.
Link is:
https://www.literotica.com/s/nicoles-dangerous-obsession

Any constructive criticism is welcome. I’m hoping to improve my craft. Hearing from readers seems like the best way to learn. Thank you.

 

[AlinaX]

The grammar around the dialogue is sometimes a little distracting, but that's a minor issue.
I read only a part of it, but it's well written.
I did think it was maybe interesting from he had written about himself in third person, something that surely a therapist would immediately want to interrogate.

 

[LuvMyGirl]

Thanks for the input AlinaX, I appreciate it Was there anything in particular you found distracting?

 

[AlinaX]

Okay... Take this section:

He swatted her inner thigh with the crop. "Spread your legs," he ordered, finally speaking.

Obediently she complied.

"Wider," he ordered.

She spread them wide, exposing herself to him.

He ran his fingers over her pubic mound and felt the telltale roughness of hair stubble. "Why isn't this pussy shaved?" He demanded. "You know I like my pussy naked."

"I forgot-- it's only been a few da--."

"You forgot?" He demanded, cutting her off.

"I--I'm sorry," she said contritely.

"You're just a naughty girl, aren't you?"

She didn't answer.

The crop came down sharply on her inner thigh.

"Have you been naughty?" He asked again.

1. You understand that when the dialogue ends with a comma, the sentence continues and a capital letter is not necessary. However, the same is true even if you're ending with a question mark (or exclamation mark) although I accept it feels and looks wrong. "You forgot?" he demanded, cutting her off.

2. Overuse of adverbs: Obediently she complied. (Probably better as just: She obeyed.) Also 'contritely' stands out a little, but I'm not sure why.

3. I like that you've written out the fantasy, but actually it's just a dry narrative, almost completely disassociated from the subject. I see I was wrong earlier. It's not Johnny writing about himself in the third person, he's writing about someone else. Fair enough, I suppose, but there's no real sense for what it is that Johnny finds erotic about it - or Nicole, for that matter. I know it's just a fantasy within a fantasy, but if we, the readers, are not seduced, why should we believe that Nicole is?

The crop smacked her sensitive inner thigh, and she gasped more from the shock than the pain. "Spread your legs," he ordered, his tone and expression calm and confident.

Her heart racing as she looked up into his calm, deep, blue eyes, she complied, shifting her legs apart as much as she dared, certainly more than she was comfortable with. She was too aware of how exposed she was already as his gaze focused on that intimate place between her thighs.

"Wider," he said.

 

[Bramblethorn]

"I--I'm sorry," she said contritely.

...

2. Overuse of adverbs: Obediently she complied. (Probably better as just: She obeyed.) Also 'contritely' stands out a little, but I'm not sure why.

Possibly because it's redundant with the quoted speech. "Contrition" means "being sorry", so this is like writing:

"I'm angry," he said angrily.

Soapbox time: when writing scenes with dialogue, there are a couple of different ways to add description to that dialogue. One is to directly tell the reader what the speaker's thinking/feeling, using adverbs like "contritely", "angrily", "modestly" etc.

The other approach is to describe how they show their state of mind. For instance:

"Do you come here often?" asked Jane seductively.

vs.

"Do you come here often?" asked Jane, voice low. She bit her lower lip.

IMHO that second style often makes the description more compelling. IRL, we're not mind-readers; nobody holds up a neon sign reading "I am saying this SEDUCTIVELY". We have to figure out that kind of intent from clues: what's actually said, or the accompanying tone/body language/etc. So giving readers that information in the same kind of way can help them feel like they're in the scene.

 

[LuvMyGirl]

I probably knew about not capitalizing after a question mark, forty years ago or so! Thank you for the reminder.

You are also probably correct about the over use of adverbs. I actually removed quite a few; probably not enough.

I get what you are saying about the how dry that exchange was. That would have been an great place, early in the story to draw the reader in and I failed I like your rendering much better. It’s amazing how the right choice of words can create a word scape that draws you in. Thank you for the example.

Later in the story I think I do a much better job of creating an emotional and visceral connection between the characters. By failing to do it earlier I probably lost some readers. Makes me wanna go back and rewrite some stuff lol.

 

[LuvMyGirl]

I think it’s the difference between shoeing and telling. The more you can show, the better. Here is a later attempt at showing the dynamics between Lacy and Kent:

…. He stroked her cheek tenderly. He was pleased with her-- mostly, but he wasn't going to let her know that yet.

"Do you think you've been a good girl tonight?" He asked.

"Yes," Lacy whispered, voice quivering.

Kent caressed her warm lips with his thumb and she sucked it hungrily into her mouth. She swirled her tongue around it as if his thumb were a miniature version of his cock.

Her orgasm and the luscious fullness of his hard shaft, still comfortably buried, deep in her pussy, had only heightened her need to have his cock fill her mouth.

"Mmmmm... you must want your reward."

She sucked harder.

He withdrew his thumb and teased her sensitive nipple with it. "Maybe... if you ask nicely enough."

"Mmmm! Can I... umm, suck on you?"

Her voice was husky with lust but Kent wasn't convinced.

"Hmmm...I dunno. I think I'll just jerk off and shoot my cum all over that hairy little pussy of yours," he answered, reminding her of her naughtiness. He slid his shaft out of her and batted her swollen clit with it.

"But I've been good!" Lacy protested, "you promised."

"I didn't promise anything," he corrected.

Lacy struggled vainly against her restraints causing her vulnerable breasts to jiggle deliciously. "But I did what you told me to. Please let me... I-- I need to suck your hard cock-- Please," she pleaded.

Another little thrill of triumph surged in him. He massaged her breasts with his calloused hands and tweaked her nipples one last time-- savoring his ownership of her.

"That's more like it, girl," he approved, "now come here and do it before I change my mind."

In moments Lacy was on her knees again. He grabbed her by the hair and guided her to the prize she'd earned. She swirled her tongue hungrily over the head of his cock, tasting her own fuck juices, then took him into her mouth with a little purr of pleasure. Finally, he was all hers.

 

[AlinaX]

That's certainly more fun, but it's really not my thing. ('It' being consensual D/s M/f.) Good luck with the writing!

 

[SimonDoom]

I think it’s the difference between shoeing and telling. The more you can show, the better. Here is a later attempt at showing the dynamics between Lacy and Kent:

…. He stroked her cheek tenderly. He was pleased with her-- mostly, but he wasn't going to let her know that yet.

"Do you think you've been a good girl tonight?" He asked.

"Yes," Lacy whispered, voice quivering.

Kent caressed her warm lips with his thumb and she sucked it hungrily into her mouth. She swirled her tongue around it as if his thumb were a miniature version of his cock.

Her orgasm and the luscious fullness of his hard shaft, still comfortably buried, deep in her pussy, had only heightened her need to have his cock fill her mouth.

"Mmmmm... you must want your reward."

She sucked harder.

He withdrew his thumb and teased her sensitive nipple with it. "Maybe... if you ask nicely enough."

"Mmmm! Can I... umm, suck on you?"

Her voice was husky with lust but Kent wasn't convinced.

"Hmmm...I dunno. I think I'll just jerk off and shoot my cum all over that hairy little pussy of yours," he answered, reminding her of her naughtiness. He slid his shaft out of her and batted her swollen clit with it.

"But I've been good!" Lacy protested, "you promised."

"I didn't promise anything," he corrected.

Lacy struggled vainly against her restraints causing her vulnerable breasts to jiggle deliciously. "But I did what you told me to. Please let me... I-- I need to suck your hard cock-- Please," she pleaded.

Another little thrill of triumph surged in him. He massaged her breasts with his calloused hands and tweaked her nipples one last time-- savoring his ownership of her.

"That's more like it, girl," he approved, "now come here and do it before I change my mind."

In moments Lacy was on her knees again. He grabbed her by the hair and guided her to the prize she'd earned. She swirled her tongue hungrily over the head of his cock, tasting her own fuck juices, then took him into her mouth with a little purr of pleasure. Finally, he was all hers.

I'll address your dialogue tags. Specifically: corrected, pleaded, approved, and protested.

In every one of these four cases, the verb used as the dialogue tag is unnecessary and redundant of the snippet of dialogue. Just use "said." This is what most authors of published fiction actually do, most of the time. New authors get this idea in their head that it's boring and repetitive to use "said" and that they need to come up with something more interesting, and it's not true. Use "said," or figure out a way to make the speaker clear so you don't use a dialogue tag at all. The overuse of substitutes for "said" is one of the clearest signs of amateur writing. The fact of the matter is that most published writers don't write this way. Avoid redundancy. Let the dialogue itself carry the weight, and avoid overdescribing with dialogue tags.

Your use of "whispered" is fine, because the verb "whisper" describes the volume at which the dialogue is spoken and the volume is not made clear by the dialogue snippet. This verb adds something. The four other verbs I listed do not.

You refer to "showing and telling," and I agree. Show when you can. The piece of dialogue is showing. The dialogue tag, however, is telling, not showing, unless you use "said" or "asked" or a word that actually conveys something to the reader that can be gathered by one of the five senses, as opposed to a word that characterizes something about what's being said in an interpretive way. It's not an inflexible rule. It's OK to tell sometimes with dialogue tags. But be judicious about it.

 

[LuvMyGirl]

Your point is well taken, Simondoom. Well written dialog should convey both an idea and emotion, so a descriptive tag is unnecessary. I would do well to remember that.
Thank you.