Seeking feedback on my first submission

[MelodyMaker]

Hello to you all. I have been reading the fiction on Literotica for some time now but have only just started to enjoy the full benefits the site has to offer. It was very exciting to have my first erotic story ever accepted and posted here. I have read the boards and would value the opinions of any who care to respond to me.

My first story is entitled "Best friends, first" and is in the Group Sex category. I'm pretty pleased with it for a first try, but I've noticed some things I would do differently next time. I'm curious if anyone picked up on the same thing I worried about after it was posted. Any comments, critiques, suggestions are welcome.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49954

Thanks to all,

MM

 

[NoJo]

MM, I liked it! -- you use language really well and sparingly to get the reader to picture the people and set the mood and relationships. Also the dialogue was convincing. You're a natural, in my opinion.

I aslo liked the sense of people just having fun that you got across.

Personally, I love "Road Trip" and all those teen movies -- this reminded me of them.
I bet you'd be better than most authors at putting humor into your stories. That's a rare skill, writing really sexy, really funny. Try writing it.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[secretdesire]

I really liked it.

In terms of grammar, your writing is excellent. There were a few places where words and phrases got a little overused (or used too close together), but that's really minor stuff. Your casual writing style made the story effortless to read and your use of dialogue was top notch as well.

It's hard for me to find anything critical to say, other than I would have liked there to have been more. I don't mean more sex, necessarily, but more to the story as a whole. As is typical in a lot of stories, they dove into the unplanned threesome pretty easily. And while that usually bothers me, it didn't in your story. I think that's because you managed to set a mood right from the start that allowed me to believe they might have gone for it that quickly. But, it would have been nice to know how that single guy felt about it afterwards, or maybe how that night affected their relationships. I have to say, though, even in areas of the story where I didn't feel there was much substance, you made it seem like there was. That shows talent.

Keep up the great work. I can't wait to read your next piece.

 

[SexyChele]

On the technical side, you did a good job. Very few grammatical errors, and that is great!

I think this shows a great first effort, but I agree that there were things you could have done differently. I think you already know where those issues are at, but I'll give you my .02 worth. (And please, remember, this is only my opinion and I am certainly not an expert!)

The biggest issue I had, and it sorta bugged throughout the story, began with the line:

[Sarah speaking here] "Trust me, we've been together almost ten years and our sex life is as good as ever. It's all about being open and trying new things. We fulfill each others fantasies, role-play, whatever it takes."

Okay, that's cool. Nothing wrong there. But then, just a few statements later...

[Sara speaking] "One of my longest running fantasies has been to have two men..."

If this couple has been together ten years and have been fulfilling each other's fantasies, I would think a MMF would have been one of the first they would have done. After all, it is one of the easiest to arrange. This thought ran through my head the whole time I read the story, and left me with the feeling that maybe the couple wasn't as "open" as first lead to believe.

Also, I thought the invitation to a threesome occurred rather suddenly, and was accepted rather quickly. I've been involved in these things, and normally - unless the parties are drunk - it's worked into slowly, not something you jump into. But then, this is fantasy, right?

I would think the friend would have some major hesitation and/or doubt - how would this affect his friendship with the couple? Would it truly be okay with the husband? There would normally be a certain amount of awkwardness. Well, at least that is how I would read it.

I think if folks are looking strictly for fantasy, this is a good piece and your style will only improve with time. If folks are looking for something a little more realistic, they might come away with the same questions I had.

Not sure if either of these were the issues you saw after you wrote the story. If not, it would be interesting to know what it was that you noticed.

Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work!

 

[MelodyMaker]

Thanks to all for the comments and encouraging words. Sexychele raised some interesting questions which I would like to respond to.

>>>If this couple has been together ten years and have been fulfilling each other's fantasies, I would think a MMF would have been one of the first they would have done...maybe the couple wasn't as "open" as first lead to believe. <<<

Perhaps not as open as some, but more so than others I would guess. I can think of scores of reasons why the MMF could be a fantasy that this couple had waited a long time to fulfill. Maybe the story would have been stronger with some more exposition on this issue, but I'm not sure about that.

This is one of the concerns I had about the story. I had a hard time balancing character development with "getting down to it" if you know what I mean. I didn't want anyone to feel the dialogue was dull or irrelevent, and I felt pretty confident in the final edit that I had reached a happy medium. Some of the dialogue was intended to show that the main character had fantasized about this threesome happening, and I also meant to show that the couple had thought about it ahead of time and were planning on broaching the subject with him sooner or later.

I think you hit it on the head when you said we are dealing with fantasy here. I agree that in "real life" things would have definitely gone down differently. Perhaps the reason this story seemed unrealistic is because I can hardly imagine something like that happening with the friends I based this couple on. I've thought about it, but it's hard to write convincingly about what you don't really know.

The other problem I had was more on the technical side. I realized after posting the story that I didn't identify the couple as husband and wife until the sex was already underway. I wondered if that was clear enough, but it didn't seem to matter after all.

Anyway, thanks again for the insightful comments. I welcome any other thoughts or suggestions.

MM

 

[Guest]

Fantasy

Snipped off from 'Best Friends, First'
"I envy you guys," I told them. "It's hard for me to get comfortable enough with someone that I can open up completely in that way. I've been whacking it so much lately my hand is starting to become deformed."

Jeremy and Sarah looked at each other and it seemed like they were reading each other's minds.

"Listen dude, now that you mention it..." Jeremy started.

"One of my longest running fantasies has been to have two men," Sarah finished. "There just isn't anyone I would rather do that with than you."

My cock sprung to attention. I think it knew what was going down before I did. I was stunned. A threesome with my two best friends had been one of my oldest fantasies too, but I never dreamed it could actually happen.

"What do you say, man?" Jeremy asked. "It could be a mind blower."

I didn't hesitate.

If I was the narrator, I'd jump right in too.

MM, you did great job working on your dialogue.

I presumed that Jeremy and Sarah had discussed the issue of MMF in depth and singled out the narrator as the most desirable participant.

As for balancing character development with the hot bits in one page story? In my opinion, you got it just right.

P.S. I'm pimping for Wm_Sexspear right now.
'A Little Blue Dress' One page story by WS
warning: Incest inside
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47321

 

[suductive_sasha]

I really liked how you went outside your box and had the two males together...I wouldn't have expected that nor wrote about it but that is why you are getting a good review, not because I like male on male but because you wrote what you wanted not caring what others thought (or would think) good job!

I wish I would have known up front that they were married...that would have set the story's pace a lot better. I really liked how he wanted to please his wife and asked if she liked it that was really hot to me!

Over all I give this a 7 out of 10 it was very good for a first post!

 

[SlickTony]

I liked both the stories I read here.

 

[the__satyr]

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I deliberately have not read what other people have posted so I can form my own opinions:

- great first attempt and a generally good story
- I thought the jumping from talk to sex was just a little too quick and unrealistic but your description of the action is good
-the MM stuff isn't my cup of tea, but I will definitely give you points for going the non-traditional route. I didn't see it coming (oops, no pun intended), and that's a good thing in a story.

A great start and I hope you continue to contribute

the__satyr

 

[SlickTony]

Well, if you can get someone excited by something that isn't really his cuppa, then you know you're doing something right.

Since I am relatively new to this game, I am wondering, how do you answer, is there any way you can answer, anonymous feedback? I got some on the story I submitted, "Carnival"--the one I was all on tenterhooks about, and which it turned out hadn't ever arrived because I tried to e-mail it instead of using the submission form.

The critic questioned a phrase, an expression, which I used to describe one of the characters--I referred to her as having "big hair," and he was like, what the hell does that mean?

It struck me that possibly I was heareing from someone who is either not from America and definitely not from the South. Anyone who has spent any time in Texas knows what big hair is. That's when a woman has a head of hair with lots of natural wave and body, who can wear it in a teased, bouffant style if she wants to. It's kind of dated in most parts of the country, but lots of Texas women with the right kind of hair still love it.

Hot damn, I've lost it at last! Now, if I can just figure out how to get my html coding turned back on...

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Melody Maker,

I'm not a expertl so I can't say if your story was technically well done or not, or how you might have done things differently or better. If you are aspiring to become a professional porn writer I am not the one to give you feed back.

However, if you are looking to make horny little bitches like me hot......you have succeeded! I"m kidding of course, I'm not really a bitch.

Your story for me, was easy to read, with a nice balance of dialog and narrative.

I would have perhaps enjoyed a little more description of the sex, but that's just me. Can I ever really get enough?

Take this phrase at the end: ".......I watched him fuck her faster and faster." How fast was faster?? I wanna/need to know these things!! ('just teasing!! Your story is H O T.)

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

 

[herpesface]

10/10

 

[NoJo]

Take this phrase at the end: ".......I watched him fuck her faster and faster." How fast was faster?? I wanna know these things!!

Alex, I agree. As a scientist I'm a stickler for accuracy. I'd prefer
I observed him fucking her at 60 strokes per minute increasing to 170 strokes per minute over a period of 9.45 seconds.. But then I guess the story would end up in Science Fiction <sigh>