Seeking feedback on first (true) story

[neuroslut]

Hi y’all. I posted my first (true) story under erotic couplings a few days back. https://literotica.com/s/bootycalled-by-mcdreamy

I’m thinking about posting a few more stories and would be super grateful if anyone wanted to give their two cents on my first one. I’m a relatively experienced writer but totally new to writing erotica. Thanks!

Tags: huge cock, oral sex, deepthroat, true story

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a short little stroker, your writing has energy, you can write.

But if it's a true story, how bleak and soulless it all is. Person A has a slot, Person B fills it. Next. Shudder. There's no human connection whatsoever, no personality, certainly no intimacy. If that's the world of App dating, you're welcome to it.

There is some emotion though, from this reader - sadness for you. In fact, that's something of a testament to your writing, because in that very short space you've actually written a sad little tale. I hope you found someone nicer, I really do.

 

[neuroslut]

It's a short little stroker, your writing has energy, you can write.

But if it's a true story, how bleak and soulless it all is. Person A has a slot, Person B fills it. Next. Shudder. There's no human connection whatsoever, no personality, certainly no intimacy. If that's the world of App dating, you're welcome to it.

There is some emotion though, from this reader - sadness for you. In fact, that's something of a testament to your writing, because in that very short space you've actually written a sad little tale. I hope you found someone nicer, I really do.

Wow. That’s neither the feedback nor the reaction I was expecting, but I guess that just means I needed to hear it. Thank you, electric blue.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Wow. That’s neither the feedback nor the reaction I was expecting, but I guess that just means I needed to hear it. Thank you, electric blue.

You wrote with your heart on your sleeve, but maybe you didn't know that. Erotica can be very powerful stuff, telling you all sorts of things you didn't know about yourself. I hope you write something intimate next - with your ability, that would have some power.

Keep writing .

 

[tomlitilia]

I didn't find it sad. A bit rushed, perhaps, but it didn't feel like a downer. It was about a no-strings-attached encounter with a twist of domination/submission/slut fantasy. The lack of a romantic bond between the two characters didn't bother me at all. There are other emotions worth exploring in erotica. But, again, the emotional aspect could have been elaborated on.

 

[neuroslut]

I didn't find it sad. A bit rushed, perhaps, but it didn't feel like a downer. It was about a no-strings-attached encounter with a twist of domination/submission/slut fantasy. The lack of a romantic bond between the two characters didn't bother me at all. There are other emotions worth exploring in erotica. But, again, the emotional aspect could have been elaborated on.

Thanks for your input. That's how it felt when it was happening, so I'm glad to hear that came through.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Echoing comments by others, I found it difficult to know what the protagonist was thinking about this. The story establishes that she found it physically arousing, but beyond that I couldn't tell whether this was what she wanted/expected out of their meetup.

That issue aside, it was well written. Only issue I noticed was a random shift from past tense in the first paragraph to present for the rest of the story.

 

[neuroslut]

Echoing comments by others, I found it difficult to know what the protagonist was thinking about this. The story establishes that she found it physically arousing, but beyond that I couldn't tell whether this was what she wanted/expected out of their meetup.

That issue aside, it was well written. Only issue I noticed was a random shift from past tense in the first paragraph to present for the rest of the story.

It was an intentional shift from past to present tense which was maintained throughout the rest of the story. Thanks for your input though!

 

[gunhilltrain]

I didn't find it sad. A bit rushed, perhaps, but it didn't feel like a downer. It was about a no-strings-attached encounter with a twist of domination/submission/slut fantasy. The lack of a romantic bond between the two characters didn't bother me at all. There are other emotions worth exploring in erotica. But, again, the emotional aspect could have been elaborated on.

Sure, many encounters in real life are mostly physical like the one in the story. That was true even before the Internet. It's worth exploring that kind of thing in fiction. Also, your voting score was very good.

I've written stories about prostitution from both the male and female points of view. (I had to rely on second-hand sources and my own guesses.) Some readers didn't like them, but I felt I needed to present those encounters as business deals/transactions.

 

[PG564E]

I like your writing style, and can feel the sensuality inside you the way you describe the sex and reveal some of your personality. Do not worry about negative comments from people - this site is for personal fun, sexual growth, and the ability to express yourself and have the freedom to do just that.

I left a comment on your story page. Hope to see much more of your sexual journey in what you choose to write.

Glad to have you!

 

[LuciousLadyMary]

I enjoyed the story and your style. It is harder, IMO, to write true stories than fictional ones. The ones in my resume' right now are both true stories. Hubby has written of our first encounter back into the HW lifestyle back in January.

Your descriptions of the the 'acts' were very good. To me his actions were consistent with men I've been with that were overly endowed. To put it bluntly, they have no desire to please the woman. You are a place to cum.

As I put in the comment on the story, any Dr. that was more worried about putting his cock in your abdomen rather than treating a patient with a razor blade in hers is not much of a Doctor. Nor should he be. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have made a call to the hospital administrator the next morning voicing those concerns.

 

[neuroslut]

I enjoyed the story and your style. It is harder, IMO, to write true stories than fictional ones. The ones in my resume' right now are both true stories. Hubby has written of our first encounter back into the HW lifestyle back in January.

Your descriptions of the the 'acts' were very good. To me his actions were consistent with men I've been with that were overly endowed. To put it bluntly, they have no desire to please the woman. You are a place to cum.

As I put in the comment on the story, any Dr. that was more worried about putting his cock in your abdomen rather than treating a patient with a razor blade in hers is not much of a Doctor. Nor should he be. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd have made a call to the hospital administrator the next morning voicing those concerns.

Thanks for your feedback! Its interesting to hear you find it easier to write fiction. So far I’ve only attempted nonfiction but it was incredibly fun and the words seemed to flow easily. I’ve been trying to brainstorm a fictional story but it hasn’t come as easily. I’ll certainly check out your resume!

Also, I realize now I painted him as a pretty bad doctor. What actually happened was that the razor blade hadn’t yet gotten to a point in the digestive tract where it could’ve been safely removed (I forget the medical jargon he used), so he told the nurse to call him back when it got to that point. So basically he was just fucking me in the interim, but I thought that didn’t sound quite as sexy.

 

[neuroslut]

I like your writing style, and can feel the sensuality inside you the way you describe the sex and reveal some of your personality. Do not worry about negative comments from people - this site is for personal fun, sexual growth, and the ability to express yourself and have the freedom to do just that.

I left a comment on your story page. Hope to see much more of your sexual journey in what you choose to write.

Glad to have you!

Thanks for the kind words and follow! I’ve had some more intimate encounters recently that I’m looking forward to writing about.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for the kind words and follow! I’ve had some more intimate encounters recently that I’m looking forward to writing about.

Encounters with a lot more kindness, I hope .

 

[Jada59]

I also found it to be sad. I also noticed a few words that should have been capitalized.

 

[nauset_beach]

I love that story - his forcefulness, your submission, the hospital/work environment, knowing someone might be hearing you, how you let him have his way with you and then finish yourself off later. It's very hot.

 

[nauset_beach]

Thanks for the kind words and follow! I’ve had some more intimate encounters recently that I’m looking forward to writing about.

Can't wait to read your next story

-S

 

[neuroslut]

I love that story - his forcefulness, your submission, the hospital/work environment, knowing someone might be hearing you, how you let him have his way with you and then finish yourself off later. It's very hot.

Yes! Those were the things I found really hot too. I’m glad you enjoyed it

 

[nauset_beach]

Yes! Those were the things I found really hot too. I’m glad you enjoyed it

Did your recent encounters that you plan on writing about have similar themes? Or were they very different?

-S

 

[neuroslut]

Did your recent encounters that you plan on writing about have similar themes? Or were they very different?

-S

The one I’m going to write about next is about a dynamic I have with a young professor in my field. I’m a grad student and he’s been an amazing mentor in my career, but we also have a sexual tension that’s been building up for a while. I’ll leave it at that for now

 

[ChasingAnna]

I tend to come across as a harsh during critiques, so don't get offended.

All in all, I wasn't thrilled, but I'm probably not the target audience.

Things I liked:
Described as a short stroke story, and that's what it is.
I always like playing with ideas of power and control.
"I do a half-assed job of wiping his cum off my face while he tries on my glasses and asks me if he looks like Harry Potter. While we get dressed he asks me about my recent relationship. Not ready to open that bag of worms, I deflect the question sarcastically, asking him, "What are you, a surgeon or a psychiatrist?"" This made me chuckle. That guy's a total tool though. Didn't you say he had a shower though? Why not just clean up properly?


Things I didn't like:
Title: Bootycalled by McDreamy. Generic, sounds like a procedurally generated sex clickbait title.
"At 6'4" he towers over my 5'5", 125lb frame" Stats are for baseball, not sex.
"We enter his on-call room, the third of eight lining a narrow hallway. " Why are you counting doorways?
"At least eight inches... " stats are for baseball.
"my mouth parts a little in awe." and then
"He pulls the drawstring to his scrubs and my mouth falls completely open." basically repeats the slackjawed big dig reaction from earlier.
"while my mouth gapes open " wide mouth #3
"Are you going to be a good slut for me... I'll be a good slut for you... like a good slut... Be a good slut... wanting to be a good, dirty, little slut." even for someone with "slut" in their screen name, this is a bit excessive.

Neutral, but things to think about:

I'd like to understand what the characters are feeling a bit more. Whether fair or not, people expect female pov stories to be more internal/emotional in nature and male pov to be external/physical focused. If you don't follow that stereotype, you could write in the third person and put yourself external to the events. It would give you some freedom to explore the differences in what you're feeling and his perception of what is happening.

It felt a little like a setup too. He's Dr. McDoctor, a surgical resident (where's his attending? Why does a first-year have his own receptionist?). You are some sort of graduate student of something, who matched on some unspecified app for unspecified reasons.

 

[nauset_beach]

The one I’m going to write about next is about a dynamic I have with a young professor in my field. I’m a grad student and he’s been an amazing mentor in my career, but we also have a sexual tension that’s been building up for a while. I’ll leave it at that for now

Nice - that student and teacher/mentor dynamic will be exciting to read. I look forward to it.

-S