seeking feedback on first submission

[angelaa]

"My First Submission" is not only the title of my story, it is my first submission to anywhere of my writing. Please read and let me know what you think... *smile*

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=31292


thanx, angelaa

 

[Whispersecret]

Angelaa, I glanced at it, but D/s isn't my bag. I hope someone else can help you out.

 

[WickedEve]

angelaa

Hi! Welcome! I think it's great that you're submitting your work. Have you written much else?
I did read your story. And I think you have potential. But like all of us, there is room for improvement. You really need to proof-read before submitting a story. There are some problems with punctuation and grammar.
Here's a link to a bunch of writer's resources. I've read these before, and they really help!
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Keep writing and submitting stories. I look forward to reading your next one!

 

[Couture]

A very compelling description of a sex scene Angela. I think I would like to see you submit more often <sly grin>

However, go to the bondage top list board and read a few of the stories there in the top ten. You will notice that they all have something in common -- a compelling story.

IMO, you are half way there with your story. Trust me, just doing the sex part is difficult enough.... hell, I'm running on fumes right now with sex scenes in my stories. I'm stuck in 3 different series and all of them are in the middle of sex scenes.

Your story is called First Submission and it is about you and your dom. Give me a little more background. What is his name? How did you meet? Being that it was your first submission, how did it feel when you committed to the act? That is a pretty scary moment the first time. What kind of person is your dom? (Funny or serious?) What kind of person are you? What did you talk about?

You probably have all this stuff in your head already, but you just didn't put it on paper. I writer friend helped me to understand the importance of the minutia in making the fantasy as real for the readers as it is for you.

My final word is your story was very good. Add the background details and it would have been awesome.

Couture

 

[angelaa]

Thank You

I want to thank those who responded in this forum as well as those who responded to my email. I recieved more responses in a short time than I had expected.

It would seem my main problem is with punctuation. This is something I was already aware of since most of my writing is done in emails and such, where I use very little punctuation at all. I usually use "........" between thoughts and ideas at places I would normally pause between words as if I were saying them.

The second problem is with grammar. If this is because I capitalized the words "He" and "His" and "Him" in the middle of sentences, then I am at a true loss for writing this kind of story. I capitalized those words because they refer to a dom. I always capitalize reference to dominants out of true respect and not just because it is required of me.

Truth be told, this story started as an email to a dom who insisted that I submit it as a story to somewhere. At His command I did what I could to make it acceptable as a story. I changed all the "You" and "Your" to "He" and "His". I erased all the many "........." and tried to apply the proper punctuation. In the end it would seem that this is not a bad story for one that started as an email.

I will give some thought to submitting future writing here, keeping in mind the feedback and suggestions I have received.

Once again, thank you all.