Seeking feedback on first story; DO NOT BE GENTLE!

[tortoise]

My first story just appeared on literotica this morning:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39232

Any and all feedback is more than welcome. This is my first fumbling attempt at such pursuits, but by all means do NOT be gentle. In my experience people that say "I don't have a thin skin" usually bleed at the slightest touch, so I won't make that claim. I will say that constructive criticism would be very much appreciated, and non-constructive criticism ("dude, it SUCKS ASS!") will at least offer some entertainment.



"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
--Oscar Wilde

 

[tortoise]

a brief synopsis of the story

In this story, I was attempting to explore the dynamic of the "forbidden fruit"... what happens when we lust after people that are "off-limits," when everything inside us screams "taboo," but the hunger just overwhelms all of our inhibitions and defenses. The main male character in the story struggles with his immediate, overpowering hunger for his best friend's wife. He vows to never betray his friend, but the mutual desire builds and builds until... well... read and find out...

As I said before, any and all feedback is welcome...

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Here's a quickie critique.

You use too many adjectives. Here's one example taken from the first paragraph.

"My right hand had just settled upon the firm, warm, rounded right cheek of her silky ass.
Her hungry mouth, finally receiving the signal for which it had been waiting,
descended toward my glistening hard cock with a gasping cry of pure lust, a
deep hungry growl. Suddenly, just as I felt her hot panting mouth a fraction of
an inch away from my wet, angry red cockhead, the most piercing, startling
sound in the world shattered both the moment and the flickering air of the
TV-lit living room."

Your first assignment: count how many adjectives appear in those sentences. Whatever the final number (about 20?) it's too many. By the way, should our hero be turned-on or terrified that the gal going down on him has a mouth that's simultaneously: "hot" "panting" "growling" "gasping" "crying" and "hungry" (X 2)? Makes having a cock that's "glistening" "hard" "wet" "angry" and "red" seem like child's play.

--

Your paragraphs are too long. This isn't just a style issue. Several paragraphs not only could, but should have been broken into shorter units. Also, folks reading on a computer seem to prefer shorter paragraphs.


Assignment two: Check out the paragraph where the wife shows him the bathroom and find where it can and IMHO should be sub-divided.

--

Assignment three: In case I've come off as a complete know-it-all and ass-hole, there's ample evidence on this board that I'm not a know-it-all. For proof, check out the critiques of my own first post "Dis-Orderly Conduct" on the Story Discussion Circle.

By the way, you ain't bad kid. Write on.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[tortoise]

That's EXACTLY the type of constructive criticism I was seeking, Mr. Foreskin. Your points are valid and clearly presented, and I will take them to heart. Thank you very much!

Keep them coming, people!

 

[tortoise]

As I was re-reading my first paragraph (and cringing), I suddenly realized what might lie at the root of my adjectival diarrhea. I have been writing a lot of long alliterative "sentences" lately, for the amusement of myself and my love. For this exercise in silliness, I would pile on the ajectives, to make the alliteration as long as possible. Here is just one example:

"Manipulating and masticating my magnificent mistress of masterful masturbation's mouth-wateringly moist mons, meanwhile monitoring her multitude of magically musical moans, mindful of her myriad mindblowing miracles."

Anyway, I fear that these alliterative pursuits may have damaged my brain. Hopefully, the damage is reversible. Pray for me. <wink>

As for the paragraph critique, that has long been a weakness of mine, one that I definitely need to concentrate on improving. I can separate essays into paragraphs intuitively and easily, but with stories it has always been more of a struggle, probably because I have much more experience writing essays.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

tortoise,

I share your affiction. My current record is 50 in one sentence. It was, I might add, parsed as grammatically correct by a newspaper editer who's an English honors grad and currently in detox.

I'm trying to form a support group for recovering alliterholics. Thinking of calling it the, "Anonymous Alliance for Achieving, Absolute, Alliteration Avoidance."

Here's hoping your s/o is an understanding soul.

RF

 

[tortoise]

Here's hoping your s/o is an understanding soul.

RF

Oh, she is completely understanding, especially since her own alliterations make mine look like child's play.

 

[tortoise]

<surreptitious bump>

 

[MariusMCW]

I'll neglect to comment on the abundance of adjectives, except to question your particular choice of adjectives in some spots-- "angry red cockhead", for example, sounds more like an insult than anything else. As a man, I can't imagine why the head of my cock might be angry during moments of ecstasy.

Your first sentence is intended to start this story off with a bang-- good stuff. However, you then proceed to build up towards this event. There's no point in a buildup, in creating suspense, when you've already given away the ending. And this is just my own personal style talking here, but putting intense sex and fundamental storyline, both, in the opening paragraph... it just doesn't mix.

Moving on... Really like your description of the main character's relationship with Claire. Good writing here...

Grammar tip-- try not to use more than one semicolon in a sentence. This is a mistake I used to make far too often.

One of the reasons I'm not really knocking you on the abundance of adjectives here is that, although there are too many in some spots, you're making a real attempt at using descriptive imagery here, and the story is better for it. Of course, I probably wouldn't be as complimentary on this if this story wasn't written in the first-person; part of the reason the imagery is so necessary here is to allow us to see Claire as Mark sees her.

I'm not finding much fault with the length of the paragraphs, honestly. It will look bad to some because of the way the page is formatted, but it's getting the job done and that's what's important. As I mentioned before, you're really putting a lot of emphasis on the way the main character is feeling-- absolutely vital for a story in the first person and I'm glad to see that you realize that. But your points have been established by now: his desire for the woman, her desire for him, his desire not to piss off his best friend in the world. For the rest of this story you can probably just focus more on the actual action and your characters' responses instead of continuing to establish motive.

Moving on... OK, I was afraid of this; you're starting to beat us over the head with it.

My heart was racing, and I couldn't wipe the image of her eyes from my mind, the hunger that sparked there as those eyes devoured my cloth confined cock, which had continued to swell after her departure, until I could clearly feel my pulse as the head throbbed against my boxers. That look was dangerous, very dangerous. It was one thing to lust after your best friend's wife; I had spent a good deal of my post-pubescent life lusting after unattainable women, women who were "OFF LIMITS." But having the object of my forbidden desire return that hunger... Before that look, I was excited and scared at the prospect of an evening alone with Claire; now, my heart was absolutely pounding with equal parts arousal and terror. I had even fallen in love with forbidden women before; I knew how to handle that, knew how to control the feelings, sublimate them. But never in my life had I felt such an immediate, intense connection with someone; intense, but also so easy, so natural, so comfortable. Talking to her, whether the subject was foods we love or our deepest sexual fantasies, was as natural as breathing. I could feel the carefully constructed wall of my resolve, my vow to myself to NEVER betray my friend, begin to teeter precariously. Still, I was fairly confident that my willpower was up to the challenge.

You could eliminate a LOT of this.

Shower scene has some good stuff in it. Usage of words is a bit strange. We see the return of the "angry cockhead"; we also see a lot of "Suddenly", sometimes multiple times in a single paragraph which, in my opinion, is just unprofessional.

Moving on.... dinner sequence is good; dialogue here is a bit strange. Description is good here. Continuing...

No problems up until this part:

Her pussy was even more spectacular than I had imagined it, by far the most prettiest pussy that I had ever seen, either in person or in the glossy airbrushed pages of magazines. I was so startled by its glistening pink perfection that my left hand actually paused momentarily, as I just gazed in awe at the beautiful sight before me.

I think you realize part of what's wrong with this one, judging by one of your other posts in this thread, but I'd just remind you that "most prettiest" doesn't work in the English language.

OK, overall this is a very good story. I did have a few problems with it, as mentioned above, but if this is your first such story, you certainly have potential. Keep it up.

-M.

 

[trex18]

I didn't think it was too bad. Maybe a little over the top at times, but pretty good.

 

[tortoise]

MariusMCW: Thank you for the comments; once again, that is exactly the sort of criticism I was looking for. I especially like the comment about the use of 'suddenly.' I can definitely see what you mean after re-reading it, and I will keep an eye out for that in the future.

Oh, and "most prettiest" is definitely NOT English. It positively jumped out at me in the paragraph you quoted, can't believe that it slipped under my radar in the first place.

 

[Caria Knight]

I'm a new writer myself so I don't know how much "good" info I can offer. But here's my take.

It's a good story with a great story line. The idea of the forbidden fruit really works here.

Personally, I think the build up to where it began was just too long. You mostly held my attention getting there but since it took so long my attention started to drift. Your story was 3 pages long and it took almost 2 full pages just to get there.

There was also a definite difference after that fact. Things moved more swiftly which, to me, change the entire writing style forcing me to view it differently. I think the swifter approach throughout the entire story would have been your best bet. There just seems to be too much details in the build up.

All in all I think it's very good writing and a great story. I think the ending especially was very clever.

Hope I don't sound to down on you cause I really did like it and look forward to more.

 

[tortoise]

Thank you for your comments Caria, they were very helpful. I was a bit concerned about the length of the intro period myself, but I did want to take some care to introduce the characters, and make the reader care about their motivations. In the forthcoming chapters, though, there will be much less of this, since it will be assumed that everyone is familiar with the characters and the situation.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my story. I will definitely check yours out and hopefully offer you some helpful feedback as well.