Seeking feedback for my first story.

[The__Bartender]

About a month ago, I uploaded this:
https://literotica.com/s/the-bartenders-story

While it got many views, it didn't really generate many comments. I had planned an entire series of stories revolving around this guy, his roommate and his voyeurs' ways. Any feedback on the story so far would be great!

 

[AlinaX]

It's not really my thing, but one immediate reaction: If it's not actually a true story, don't start by saying it is. And if it is a true story, probably works better to say so as a brief foreword.

Also, don't expect to get comments. Comments are rare. If you have a story to tell, and you enjoy telling it, then do so. Don't wait for cheerleaders...

 

[NotWise]

Did you put the story in the "First Time" category because it was your first story? The category is there for stories about first-time experiences, and that is not what your story is about. Exhibitionist and Voyeur might have been a better choice.

I'll make four suggestions for your next effort:

Organize your story. This one reads almost like a stream of consciousness without much purpose or intent.

Invoke your readers senses. This story reads like a list accomplishments, which I found devoid of anything erotic.

Dialogue would help. This story is an unbroken narrative from a single point of view, and it does nothing to build the relationships between people.

Reduce the profanity. Some profane language is natural, but at some point profanity just becomes wasted words. I think this story stepped way over that line.