Seeking Feedback for Long Shot Story

[Jacknov]

This was my first effort--it took me about 40 minutes to write, so I know I could have expanded the story and edited it better. Your thoughts?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80549

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Jacknov,

I'll tell you the same thing I just told stiff one. You'll have a much better chance of getting some feedback if you post the URL to your story.

RF

 

[Jacknov]

thx rump-I added it

 

[dr_mabeuse]

From what I read your writing seems fine, but the subject involves younger man-much older women sex, and that's not my cup of tea, so I bailed out.

---dr.M.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Very funny AND happened to a friend of mine!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello Jacknov,

I"ve just finished reading your story.

What can I say? It's cute! Cute! Cute!

It didn't get me all hot and bothered, but it did make me smile. And more than once. I kind of like these quirky little stories I come across ever so often in here. Not that I'm knocking the hot sizzling sex variety. It's just that I enjoy something a little different every so often. It's like... oh well ...never mind...

One minor problem I saw was, (and it could be just me) the first paragraph. You will read postings in here saying a story must have a 'hook' . It's that something right at the start that makes a reader want know what happens next. Dialog is possibly the easiest way. It just needs to be something, anything really to make the reader curious enough to read on. I just don't feel this story has that.

The only other problem I saw was - some people feel it's distracting to use brackets. They say it breaks the flow of the suspended belief. That's being super picky though, isn't it?

Now call me a sick little bunny, but I really had the best laugh with your final line. Which I felt was a damned good way to finish it.

I wish you well with your future writing,

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem)

 

[DarlingNikki]

There was something really charming about this story and it had a nice true ring to it, which is a good reflection on your writing whether the story is actually true or not.

I am one of the people who doesn't like brackets, but there weren't too many and anyway I guess that's a matter of taste.

I agree with Alex's comments, particularly what she said about the last line.

Nikki

 

[TrinaT]

I agree as well that it's not my cup of tea either, but I didn't bail, I read through to the end.

Cute and quick, nice read. As the others have already stated, the last line was great.

Trina T

 

[Jacknov]

To all who took the time to read my story and provide comments, I would like to thank you. All were kind and thoughtful comments. Now what I just can't fathom is why a scene with two old ladies and a college boy would not be your cup of tea! heh heh Obviously, I could have listed it equally well in the Exhibitionist and Voyeur section, as it did distill down to a purely see/be seen, um, scene. As for the brackets, I promise never to do that again (no really, I won't) (just kidding, I think I may) (but I won't if it bothers people)

 

[Guest]

Thought it was well worth the time and effort to read

Aside from a few very small distractions....(Agree with The Bragis), it was a very entertaining and delightful story. Had a ring of "truth" to it, though I normally don't get as titillated as some over stories where the first thing I read is: "This is based on...or is a true story." Most of those read like a Penthouse letter.

This one didn't. Good job!

I remain,