Seeking feedback for a fun post-apocalyptic story!

[LinnzyBold]

My first literotica story was just published here, and I'd love feedback as I think about writing the next chapter. It's ~8,000 words.

The story: In post-meteorite America, the prime social good is sex -- and lots of it -- to help repopulate what's left of the Re-United States. Senator Misty Avalon is an everywoman running for president, but her campaign is threatening to derail if it gets out that she's a virgin. She must turn to her trusted campaign manager, Jack Switch, to strategize a way out of this scandal.

Definitely open to feedback of all kinds. What you liked, didn't like, and any suggestions for improving the next chapter.

Thank you all for your reads and thoughts! I am happy to read in return.

 

[yowser]

Of course I was the one to suggest you post here to the feedback forum, and it has been several days without any response...

I'll take a read and get back to the forum here later today. Hopefully you'll hear from someone else too.

Patience, and virtue, and all that.

 

[AlinaX]

I've glanced at this a couple of times. Inconsistent third person present tense is something to be used with great care. Unclear who the focus of the story is at the start, plus a sudden veer into infodump...

Sigh. It would be instructive to rewrite this as first person, just to force a clear narrative.

 

[yowser]

Linnzy

Finished your story, congratulations on first publication, lots to look forward to in the future.

Your premise was intriguing, all manner of possibilities on offer and you took a coherent path. Mostly mechanics are okay, with a pile of stuff to work on (as you perhaps anticipate.) Many, many first publications here are far worse, so you have an edge and now a platform to proceed from.

Strengths: descriptions are good, mostly without going overboard, decent handling of dialog, the story moves along, the sex is visceral, and the main character has promise.

Weaknesses: As Alina hinted, the verb tenses tend to migrate around, not always in clarity's service. I liked the present tense in the beginning (although always a challenge to pull off) but then past creeps in, and present again, it is inconsistent.

All the characters need some three-dimensional fleshing-out, particularly Jack (although perhaps you have this all plotted out for chap. 2) whose motives and history remain enigmatic.

A stronger story would include the following elements: heightened sexual tension, an expectation of what might come next (and the possibility that it might not be what is obvious or predictable.)

Hints rather than full-fledged explanations. We realise right away that this is post-apocalyptic US, but don't need to know the whole story up-front, suggestions and judicious dropping of details here and there will work for reader's to connect the dots (and respect their intelligence.) It is always tempting to explain 'everything' but that usually isn't necessary. A fine line between enough info to preclude confusion but not so much as to overwhelm.

Sex itself provides huge challenges for description/representation. The more you can connect it to the participant(s) emotional states the better, and you do this decently more than once. Here the overused phrases can become wearisome ('burning furnace of desire', 'hot ribbons of cum' etc.)

Some punctuation and grammar issues remain, I don't know if you have a friend to do some proof-reading, or want to explore an editor here, but another pair of eyes would likely help the final copy. (One example early on: 'The very same-sex parties' -- did that mean what I thought?)

You have some great images and ideas to play with (I loved the 'high class GovOrg Mare' business) and there is room for some humor and intrigue.

Pray continue, welcome to the crew.

 

[8letters]

Editor's note: this submission contains scenes of gay male sexual content.

My guess is that that will get most EC readers hitting the Back button right away. People will tell you to write what you want, but I add that you should be aware of the impact of your writing decisions.

 

[yibala2]

A "fun, post-apocalyptic story" is not something one comes across every day. And the story delivers as advertised. No non-con, no dark secrets, no patriarchal regimes with cloistered handmaidens, just a light, semi-satirical look at contemporary electoral politics. Enough people believe we live in pre-apocalyptic times today that writing this kind of post-collapse story is refreshing.

I felt your dialogue was spot-on. It felt natural and having lots of it made the story a quicker read.

"If you're abstinent, you seem not only old-fashioned, but unlikeable. People want a leader who's like them. In the old days, people elected leaders they wanted to have a beer with. Today they elect leaders they want to fuck."

This line says, in a few words and much more effectively, what you narrate in some of the expository sections. It sums up your world and how it works. I would do more of this dialogue and 'showing' and less the long exposition and 'telling'. More on that in a bit.

My main criticism about this story is that it is in the wrong category: This is science fiction - or, if you like, speculative fiction.

The govorgs, the reorganization of social and political life around sex, the red paint 'tarring her with the symbolic blood of unborn future generations', all of this delicious world-building you are doing here is the stuff of the SF/F category, and I expect you will find a more enthusiastic audience there. My take on Erotic Couplings is that EC readers are just looking for girl-fucks-boy stories without too much fancy world-building going on. SF/F readers, as another commenter said, are probably more likely to appreciate (or look past) the Jack/Caine MM sex.

Your opening scene is not easy to picture, and as has been said, doesn't immediately introduce Misty. I think you could fix that by letting your reader know that she's in a hotel room, watching the screen, and maybe giving us her emotional state before jumping into the pundit dialogue.

Also, I didn't much connect with Misty until halfway or further into this piece. I know she wants to be president, but I don't much know why. Is it just ambition, or does she have vision and principles? You hint at it early, but I didn't really feel it until she is leaving Seattle and seeing the encampments, because it isn't shown until then. I know she's not sexually active, but I don't understand why, when sex is so prevalent and accessible. This is a harder point to be convincing about. People manage to have sex and careers even now, and virgins at her age are relatively rare. In the world you've drawn with the political mandates of being sexually active, it's difficult to believe that she got to be a senator without resolving this - especially given how easy and enjoyable the sex is once she has it.

I would suggest dramatizing one of these aspects of her character early on, so that your reader can quickly connect with Misty.

Most of all, keep writing, because, as has been said, you have a great bit of inspiration here.

-Yib