Seeking Feedback, First Story (3031 words)

[purpleswordpanties]

Hello! I've decided to post my material on Literotica in the hopes of getting a bigger audience. Would anyone like to leave some feedback on my first story? It's okay to say "it didn't interest me", as that is a form of feedback too.

https://www.literotica.com/s/memoir-of-a-midnight-bloom

An inquiry: Considering that Erotic Couplings is in fact more popular than SciFi/Fantasy, I fear I made a mistake in putting the story in Scifi/Fantasy. It's a m/w foreplay scene in a medieval backdrop. Should I have put it in Erotic Couplings instead?

Thank you for your support and excellence.

 

[Jada59]

Hello! I've decided to post my material on Literotica in the hopes of getting a bigger audience. Would anyone like to leave some feedback on my first story? It's okay to say "it didn't interest me", as that is a form of feedback too.

https://www.literotica.com/s/memoir-of-a-midnight-bloom

An inquiry: Considering that Erotic Couplings is in fact more popular than SciFi/Fantasy, I fear I made a mistake in putting the story in Scifi/Fantasy. It's a m/w foreplay scene in a medieval backdrop. Should I have put it in Erotic Couplings instead?

Thank you for your support and excellence.

I see some errors right off the bat. "Clis?" Did you mean "clit?" No question mark when he asked a question. I also find the three dots preceding the words to be odd, and sentences starting in lower case. Also, seemingly old time verbiage mixed with more recent slang words that likely wouldn't have been used back then.

This, IMO does not belong in the Sci Fi category. But I didn't really find it to be erotic either. Maybe that's just me. But it sort of read to me as tortured prose. Yes, she had an orgasm, but in reading about it, I felt like I was reading the label on a bottle of vitamins or something.

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a medieval fantasy tale, so it's in the right place.

Writing a "ye olde days" story is tricky, to avoid the fine line between "authenticity" and cliched olde worlde speak. You've erred too far on the side of flowery old prose, I think, and it comes across as a little forced. Possibly because you're inconsistent:

"Work is work. Mayhap it relaxes me. Want to help?"

"Not really."

The first two phrases, okay - you've gone down the mayhaps route. But then the next two phrases read as modern day, almost colloquial, by comparison. That grated with me.

There's a balance to be reached and for me it became Hollywood Robin Hood very quickly.

And this:

From her urithe fountained an orgasm that shamed any that came before. Her frame quaked and she cried out silently into the palm of my hand, nearly shuddering free of my embrace. Her hips bucked without end, as if struck by wave after wave of delicious pressure. The muscles of her siilk convulsed, her inner walls clenching me repeatedly with every spritz of her copious vanil. One. Two. Three. Another. Then another. Until, finally, the last torrents of her stress appeared as mere beads of liquid crystal, and she fell limp in my lap.

urithe... siilk... vanil... I can see what you're doing here (I think), but in terms of purple prose this is fluorescent ultra-violet! Too much, whoa!

That aside, it's rollicking and bawdy, and you're having fun. Just don't exhaust yourself and your readers too soon .

 

[purpleswordpanties]

I see some errors right off the bat. "Clis?" Did you mean "clit?" No question mark when he asked a question. I also find the three dots preceding the words to be odd, and sentences starting in lower case. Also, seemingly old time verbiage mixed with more recent slang words that likely wouldn't have been used back then.

This, IMO does not belong in the Sci Fi category. But I didn't really find it to be erotic either. Maybe that's just me. But it sort of read to me as tortured prose. Yes, she had an orgasm, but in reading about it, I felt like I was reading the label on a bottle of vitamins or something.

"Clis" is supposed to refer to clit, but I didn't want to use that word specifically, and decided to invent make-believe language that you could kinda figure out instead. In my word doc, I specifically italicized those words. But it looks like I forgot to do that when I posted the story. :X

I've usually put the ellipses at the beginning to denote hesitance, but it looks like that's a literary no-no? I'll fix the caps. It's been a habit of mine to use lowercase after ellipses.

Thanks! I'll keep your feedback in mind, especially regarding old-time and modern verbiage. I'm sorry to hear it wasn't erotic, but well... heh... I thought it was. So it goes.

It's a medieval fantasy tale, so it's in the right place.

Writing a "ye olde days" story is tricky, to avoid the fine line between "authenticity" and cliched olde worlde speak. You've erred too far on the side of flowery old prose, I think, and it comes across as a little forced. Possibly because you're inconsistent...

Thanks for your feedback. But I looove purple prose, hah. And to an extent, erotic purple prose kinda comes with the genre. It puffs up the narrative, but it's also something readers look for. The payoff. Am I wrong?

So do you prefer the ye-olde style, or a more modern style of speech? I've been told by my reviewers that unless I'm really good at the ye-olde, I should stick with colloquial speech.

I'll probably make some minor edits in the story. But otherwise I'll apply your suggestions in my new material. Thanks Blue!

EDIT: Ugh, I can't edit it anymore. ._. I guess that's that.

 

[ElectricBlue]

But I looove purple prose, hah. And to an extent, erotic purple prose kinda comes with the genre. It puffs up the narrative, but it's also something readers look for. The payoff. Am I wrong?

So do you prefer the ye-olde style, or a more modern style of speech? I've been told by my reviewers that unless I'm really good at the ye-olde, I should stick with colloquial speech.

I'll probably make some minor edits in the story. But otherwise I'll apply your suggestions in my new material. Thanks Blue!

EDIT: Ugh, I can't edit it anymore. ._. I guess that's that.

Ellipsis... it's grammatically correct to use after a phrase to signify a pause in speech... like in this sentence, if it was spoken.

Purple prose - I can tell! But my suggestion would be to use it in moderation - it's an excess of style over substance, I think, and it can get tiring.

As I say, it's a juggling act. I have a novel length story here which is my take on the Arthurian myth - my approach was to affect a deliberately archaic speech (but not in the narration), but of my own construct - not ye olde English, but deliberately not colloquial twenty-first century either. The trick was to keep a light touch, but not to ram it down the reader's throat.

You can edit if you think it's worth the effort - prepare your new text (the whole file), and submit as a new story with exactly the same title plus the word EDIT; include a note to the site editor, and wait 5 - 10 days. Edits are low priority. You keep the score and the votes.

Or, take any suggestions on board, or ignore as appropriate, and get on and write your next chapter or story. I reckon too many people fuss with the last one, but it's the next one that counts .