Seeking Feedback: Femboy's Awakening

[FlavioMatsunaga]

My first submission is here: http://www.literotica.com/s/femboys-awakening

It involves crossdressing, public humiliation, bisexuality and more in a medieval-style fantasy setting.

Honest feedback is welcome.

 

[Combat323]

Not my genre

But I'll try to take a look later today. I think that the reason you haven't received any feedback yet is because "crossdressing, public humiliation, bisexuality and more in a medieval-style fantasy setting" has filtered out everyone who doesn't like one of those elements. None of them appeal to me, actually, but I'll try to give some constructive criticism, assuming it's not flawless already.

 

[Combat323]

A well-written story, for the most part.

I generally don't like flashbacks, but you got in and out of it well.

You also didn't have any of the attention-to-detail mistakes that disrupt some stories (i.e. girl kicks off her panties but they're back around her ankles a few sentences later, or some part of the action is just impossible unless both characters are made of rubber).

POV remained consistent. That should be a given in a first-person narrative, but I've often seen it violated.

Most of the things I didn't like were small:

["...wearing only the torn remnants of the semi-transparent pink skirt and midriff-baring top that they had caught me wearing"]
The "wearing" on each end of that clause broke the flow for me. I think you can fix that a number of ways without even using a synonym for wearing.

["A mere squire like me in this massive mercenary legion had never seen the commander up close."]
If you mean that "No mere squire in this massive...," then just say that. Or maybe "A mere squire in this massive mercenary legion, I had never..." There's nothing grammatically wrong with it as written, but the narrator couldn't possibly know that NO squires had seen the commander up close, and the "mere squire like me" sounds too obsequious.

["It wasn't even the teets that bounced perkily when she moved." ]
My opinion: strike "perkily" from this and all future stories -- same for as many adverbs a possible, but this one really annoyed me. So did "teets," to be honest. Even the alliteration of "breasts that bounced" would have been better. If you started with "It wasn't even the way her... (adjective or two, if desired)... breasts (verb or two)... you could give the reader a better image without using perkily bouncing teets.

["I looked away from her. I was a lowly squire to a lowly mercenary knight" ]
Strike "lowly," twice. Read the paragraph without the adverbs and you get exactly the same meaning.

["My voice came out squeakily, as it often did when I was nervous."]
My voice squeaked,...

[""Stand up, boy," the commander said to me. Seeing the hesitation in my eyes, the commander reached down and grabbed me roughly by the shoulders"]
I would substitute "he" for the second instance of "the commander"

["she was spreading the substance on the commander's cock, her wrist working a up and down the member with experienced skill.']
Get rid of the "a" after "working." I'd also strike "the member" as it is pretty obvious what her wrist is working up and down on.

[" but this time his cock was slick. There was still pain as his member passed the threshold..."]
Substitute "it" for "his member", since it will be clear that "it" is the last preceding noun, "his cock"

You avoided almost all of my pet peeves. You didn't stretch for dialogue tags or refer to someone as being "prone" when they were clearly face-up. You hyphenated correctly.

This story is mostly out of my lane, but you wrote it well and gave some insight into the narrator and Melody. You also stopped at a point that will leave fans of the story wondering what happens next.

Hope this helps.

 

[Iceprincess12]

This isn't my kind of story, but I thought it was pretty good. The beginning was a bit plain, not boring but nothing really stood out. It seemed very passive. The intensity of your writing seemed to pick up when you started writing about the dressing up and sex with the commander. The only thing that stood out to me and distracted me everytime you used it was the word whore. You used it too much, then you threw in prostitute and it took me out if the story. Even though you described her as one, she seemed a perfectly sweet girl. I didn't find any worldliness about her based on how many men she had slept with. Also when she was looking at the commander, there was all this lust, I would think a whore would be able to control her emotions. All in all it was a nice easy read and the sex flowed well.

 

[robertreams]

"As a squire for Sir Liam, I often accompanied the drunken knight to the whores' camp. Like all armed groups (and especially mercenary armies), the Free Warriors included not only fighting men, but a vast community of camp followers. The camp followers included washerwomen, tradesmen, and anyone else who could sell something to the fighting men. And there was nothing the men of the Legion liked to buy more than whores.

It was often well past dawn before Sir Liam emerged from the tent of whatever whore he happened to be with, and Melody was always the first of the girls in the camp to wake up. I watched her many times, a strange kind of desire filling me as she welcomed the sunrise. Sometimes our eyes would lock for a moment, but I was always too timid to say a word."

As squire for Sir Liam, I had often accompanied the drunken warrior to the whores camp. Like all armed groups, especially mercenary armies, the Free Warriors included a vast company of camp followers: washerwomen, tradesmen and of course, the favorite, whores.

Often it was well past dawn when my knight emerged. Waiting, I would invariably see Melody, as she was always the first of the women to awake. Her presence always evoked in me a strange desire. Though our eyes often met as we welcomed the sunrise, I had always been too timid to speak.

Something like that. Also, mixing slang like "just" in a story with medieval tones, weakens the archaic effect of the story. Avoid colloquialism and slang if you wish to tell a story in "nevertime", because those expressions date a story to the modern age.

 

[FlavioMatsunaga]

Thanks for all the feeback. I actually agree with just about everything the three of you said.

Robertreams and Combat323's comments will really help with my economy of language. I think I need to declare a War on Adverbs.

Iceprincess12 identifies some inconsistencies in Melody's character. When I re-read the story after posting it, I realized with growing horror that I had written a Hooker With a Heart of Gold. Some of her behaviors probably would have made more sense if I had made her a merchant or a musician.

Thanks again, and I hope you all stay tuned for future stories!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks for all the feeback. I actually agree with just about everything the three of you said.

Robertreams and Combat323's comments will really help with my economy of language. I think I need to declare a War on Adverbs.

Iceprincess12 identifies some inconsistencies in Melody's character. When I re-read the story after posting it, I realized with growing horror that I had written a Hooker With a Heart of Gold. Some of her behaviors probably would have made more sense if I had made her a merchant or a musician.

Thanks again, and I hope you all stay tuned for future stories!

I thought your story was neatly balanced and I really liked that you just jumped in it without the tedium, often seen here, of reams of explanation. Agreed, anything ending in -ly should be put under the microscope.