Seeking feedback/advise/critique

[cloudschaser]

Hi there,

I posted my first story, with a second in for submission; and before I write a next instalment of this, I was wondering if someone could take a look at the first, and offer tips on how i can character develop without being blatantly obvious. I like to create a space for imagination without filling in ALL the blanks...

I don't really write smut, nor do I like writing graphically, BUT i worry that not giving enough information about what is going on, is in fact bad to others? So, I am looking for advice on how I can strengthen my characters, learn how to write graphically better while still maintaining a flowing story/plot line?

http://www.literotica.com/s/stop-thinking


Many thanks
cloudschaser

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi there yourself!

First time is always the most difficult - congrats.

Yes, as you recognize yourself, you don't go in for much 'character development' but just write 'a scene'. To get a piece of fiction 'sizzling' you need the interplay of the characters, from whichever POV you are comfortable with. I'm no expert on BDSM but, from the stuff I've read here, the key is to have the Master - but usually the sub - relate the story. That gives scope for comment on feelings.

Here, you portray the Master as a sadist and the sub as a non-entity. There must be feelings between them that you can articulate to make us emotionally involved.

Against what you say, you write more graphically than most BDSM writers here. Just a few examples;

He quizzes the girl as she kneels in front of him, her mouth puffy and swollen and coated in her own mucus that drips down her chin in white globs.

. . . scooping her juices up from her throat, leaving the strands dangling in the cool air before flinging them over her streaked face which contorts in a flinch from the soft impact of slime.

You are writing too much. The plethora of adjectives, adverbs, euphemisms and metaphors distracts from the emotional interplay. As many more qualified than me have often said, 'Less is more'.

You need to look at how you write dialogue. If it is clear who's talking then there's no need for a tag. Whilst I'm no fan of starting a story with dialogue (who is it?), the 'he quizzes, he continues' are not neccessary.

Stop kidding yourself, if you choose to post here you're writing erotica or smut - take it as you choose. What's wrong? There are millions on Amazon making a good living writing erotica and still going to church on Sunday.

 

[cloudschaser]

Thanks for the comments, I guess my issue is I always pick the point of view to the observer rather than from the point of view of one of the characters. I'll try my hand at switching my style

Also, "I don't write smut, or graphic" meaning these are the first attempts at actually putting in saucy details - I'm still working out how to write the nitty gritty steam.


Thanks again, very much appreciated.

Cloudschaser

 

[Dream_Operator]

Hi cloudschaser,

You use a lot of really long sentences that are awkward, difficult to read and kill the flow.

Here's an example:

Joy and ecstasy illuminate her features as she convulses on his hand, shamelessly abandoning herself at his whim as an almost primal scream rips from her throat and she lurches forward, her sex squeezing around his fingers tighter and tighter for the longest moment until all that is left of her senses is a racking sob and a gush of fluid from her cunt.

Try breaking it up into more manageable bits and varying your sentence structure.

Also I agree with Elfin, way too many adjectives and adverbs.

Good luck and good writing.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

*shrugs* I didn't think it was too wordy. A little, maybe, but nothing egregious.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you'll try to switch your style. If you mean you'll try to lose some adverbs because you've found other verbs or phrases to better convey your meaning, or that you'll shorten your sentences, then yay. Both good things, in my opinion.

But if you like writing with lots of descriptive adjectives and phrases, then write with lots of descriptive adjectives and phrases. It's how you write. Maybe your style will change as a natural outcome of writing more, but I think if you start stressing about how you must change your style, you'll either not enjoy writing, or you'll end up with a story that seems forced. Personally, I like descriptive stuff. And if that means I'm a bad writer with bad taste, so be it.

Moving on, I had two big hang-ups with the story. Like elfin, I would have liked at least some hints at a deeper relationship between the two (especially given the sub-as-empty-vessel and all-knowing-domly-dom thing you have going on). Given what you ask for in your OP, I think you recognize this.

Also like elfin (?), I had a hard time with the present tense observer perspective. And this, I think, might be what's giving you the character problems. Not only does it give you little room for thoughts, it removes your ability to place the proceedings in the context of a broader relationship. If you were referring to the perspective when you mentioned changing your style, then yes, you might want to, but only because you seem to be interested in building your characters. (And now, someone with far more knowledge than I is going to chime in and say I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say the perspective is the problem . . . .)

Lastly, there were some punctuation problems, particularly with commas and semicolons. They weren't terrible, and might only bother people like me (read: people who are obsessed with the proper use of semicolons).

 

[cloudschaser]

Many thanks again for the feedback.

Yes, I am meaning change the perspective. I don't think it would actually be possible for me to write without the adjectives and verbs I love so much.

On the semicolons and commas...yes, this is a terrible habit I have developed! I don't even see it most times until someone points it out. I will be more mindful to the obsessive

 

[geronimo_appleby]

write more, submit more (no pun ), and evolve. take in the positive critiques and disregard the [if any] 'you suck' comments.


i'm not enamoured of the dialogue opening myself, and the POV was a bit shaky for me - and i hasten to add that this is only my personal taste. you'll develop a following the more you put up here; and people will be drawn to your 'style'. you won't please everybody, and don't try to! otherwise, you'll end up chasing your tail.

welcome aboard.

enjoy it.

 

[cloudschaser]

I like puns, it can stay!

Thanks for the welcome Geronimo.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

I like puns, it can stay!

Thanks for the welcome Geronimo.

no worries.

sydney? where abouts? i spent four months in randwick years ago, randiwck barracks, i was also back in sydney exactly a year ago today. stayed in the central railway hotel that time.

mate of mine lives over near mosman(?) - rich bastard!

 

[roomfor1more]

Overall, I feel, you have a good story but there are a few points that can help you improve.

1) How did the characters meet? How do they know each other? How did they arrive to the point where the story starts? My feeling the story begins in an awkward place for me and I would like a bit of background information.

2) Avoid using second person, such as you. Second person I believe makes the story impersonal and keeps the reader at arms length. It also detracts from anything creative in the story and it does not allow for character development.

3) Do not tell and instead describe. For example you state, "... he uses his sticky fingers to caress her face." What makes his fingers sticky? What does it feel like on her skin? How did they get sticky? Another example, "... she chokes out in response." What does she say? How does she say it? It the response loud? Is it soft? Does it sound like something?

4) Final suggestion, get your characters to interact more with their environment and their surroundings. Maybe introduce a third character that can give insight into the story or maybe get the characters to interact with the reader.

 

[cloudschaser]

His fingers are sticky from being in her mouth...

"He continues, his fingers withdrawing from her throat and he uses his sticky fingers to caress her face, smearing the black streaks of her make-up, ignoring the sounds of the vibrating attachment still buzzing between her spread sticky thighs. "

A little more elaboration on the surrounds though I totally agree with, again; this i think will improve with a different point of view and not from someone 'watching' or not really involved perspective.

Thanks

@germonimo - I live in the beaches, i used to go to school in mosman lol. It is a nice area indeed.

 

[cloudschaser]

well, i just re -read that quote i put in, sticky is used far too much!!

 

[geronimo_appleby]

His fingers are sticky from being in her mouth...

"He continues, his fingers withdrawing from her throat and he uses his sticky fingers to caress her face, smearing the black streaks of her make-up, ignoring the sounds of the vibrating attachment still buzzing between her spread sticky thighs. "

A little more elaboration on the surrounds though I totally agree with, again; this i think will improve with a different point of view and not from someone 'watching' or not really involved perspective.

Thanks

@germonimo - I live in the beaches, i used to go to school in mosman lol. It is a nice area indeed.

and all the tourists hear about is bondi

 

[Dream_Operator]

Small world. I travel to Sydney a fair bit for business and usually stay in Coogee, which is south of Bondi and right next to Randwick.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Small world. I travel to Sydney a fair bit for business and usually stay in Coogee, which is south of Bondi and right next to Randwick.

the coogee bay hotel!

 

[cloudschaser]

I live in the other beaches lol. Near Manly no coogee bay hotel for me!

 

[cloudschaser]

Second up with a little more dialouge and more room for character development

http://www.literotica.com/s/are-you-ready-ch-01

Yayness.