Seeking Editor for review

[shmily]

It's been awhile since I submitted a story. Have a few ready to try again.

Would like review of spelling, grammer, flow of story and suggested edits to story line.

Would fall under maybe loving wives or group sex.

It currently a word doc. a little over 1000 words.

Thanks for any help.
S

 

[shmily]

here is a small excerpt:

I heard him chuckle as he pulled me up to his lap. He continued to talk about his life, telling me how he lost his leg in Vietnam. It was getting harder to concentrate on washing his chest as I could feel his hardness pressing against my pussy.

He took a wash rag from the side of the tub and wet it. He slowly let the water drip upon my breasts. I leaned back a bit and he took the soap and began to wash my breasts.

“You like this” he whispered “your nipples are getting hard”

 

[Sammael Bard]

I got a wee bit confused while reading this:

here is a small excerpt:

I heard him chuckle as he pulled me up to his lap. He continued to talk about his life, telling me how he lost his leg in Vietnam. It was getting harder to concentrate on washing his chest as I could feel his hardness pressing against my pussy.

He took a wash rag from the side of the tub and wet it. He slowly let the water drip upon my breasts. I leaned back a bit and he took the soap and began to wash my breasts.

“You like this” he whispered “your nipples are getting hard”

I guess that's because the scene is not clear, and I had no idea of where the protagonist and the ex-soldier were. Probably a bathroom, I guess?

That particular sentence structuring icked me, to say the least. I had to read it twice to make sense of it.

Here's how I would've restructured it:

I heard him chuckle as he pulled me up to his lap. He talked about his life, telling me how he lost his leg in Vietnam. Washing his chest was going to be difficult to concentrate upon, as I could feel his hardness pressing against my pussy.

He wet a wash rag and let the water drip upon my breasts. I leaned back a bit, enjoying the ticklish sensation. He took the soap and gently applied it on my breasts.

“Your nipples are getting hard.” he whispered.

I tried not to impose my style on you, but this is the best I could churn out with this excerpt.

I'd advise you to focus on sentence structuring and elaborating sensations that your protagonist feels. The latter is important as the scene seems to be intimate, so I think it would work for the best.

Try not to state the obvious in a story. Leave a tiny gap for the reader's imagination too. This helps in decreasing the wordiness of your story and, hopefully leads to an impact-ful reading.

An good editor can help to whip your grammar into shape.

I hope that helped.

Good luck!


Bard

 

[shmily]

Bard, Thanks for the input, it does sound better that way. I didnt think about how the snipit I extracted would read out of context of the rest of the story.
.Periods, commas and such are not my strong points. I know it needs more work. One VE reviewed it and gave me a few areas to look at. So will work on those and the puncuation.

Again thanks for your input, all help is greatly appreciated.
S