Seeking Critiques

[DIVAWRITER]

Hi, I have posted my first erotica short story. I would really appreciate it if I could get some feedback on it. The name of the story is "The Pursuit of Happiness." Any comments would be appreciated, as I am trying to fine tune my writing. Divawriter (lhutcherson3@comcast.net).

THANKS!!

 

[Darkniciad]

Adding a link to the story for the notoriously lazy amongst us ( which includes all of us, really *laugh* ) I'll try to give it a look and my thoughts in a little while. Meanwhile, others can locate the story with ease.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=325594

I'll just edit this post when I have a chance to read it, so don't forget to glance back here if others come in behind me with critiques.

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EDIT:
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Just my thoughts, typed as I read. A lot of this could be covered with just a proofreader or a quick grammar check in Word or Wordperfect. They're little things that just don't register on the eyes, because your brain translates it into what you meant to write, rather than what actually ends up on the page.

"Yeah, yeah," I say anxiously, so did you call...what happened?"

Missing quote mark before "so" which should be capitalized. I would also make "So did you call," an individual question, rather than using an ellipse. It reads a little weird with the pause of the ellipse ( and you shouldn't use an ellipse for a pause anyway, only incomplete thoughts )

There are actually quite a few missing quote marks, usually popping up where someone says something and you put in a speech tag or an action before continuing the dialogue.

There are a few places where you missed your single quotes or they ended up misplaced when "abbreviating" dialogue for the purposes of dialect ( Ol' and such )

I see a few spots where the punctuation has an additional space after the word it should follow.

Just a personal quirk, but I prefer to see a description of the laugh rather than "ha ha" inserted into the dialogue.

I can see places you could go with this, but it's really more of a scene than a story. Personally, the over-the-top phone sex dialogue ( which I'm sure is on the mark ) isn't my sort of thing, but I can see the stroke potential in the scene.

I think you could have strengthened it more by giving a bit more buildup to making the phone call - perhaps a few false starts before actually letting his fingers do the walking. To really give the story some teeth, you would pretty much have to continue on in some fashion. Perhaps his wife discovers what he's been doing. How does she react? Maybe she was on the verge of leaving him because he wasn't showing any interest in her and the phone play is encouraging him to pay more attention to her and puts them back on the right track, at which point, he discovers he doesn't need the phone sex any more. Maybe he tempts her into joining the phone play. Maybe she's not really "out with the girls" and he finds out she's cheating.

Lots of places you could go with it to flesh it out into a full story.

My suggestion is to have someone read through everything before you submit it, to perhaps catch some of those little flubs ( an editor or just a reader who has a good grasp of punctuation ) that your eyes will pass over. If you can endure the anxiety, just waiting for three or four days and coming back to it ( especially if you've written something else in the meantime ) will cause a lot of those little things to jump out at you as well. Word Processor grammar checkers aren't perfect by any means, but they would catch some of the things I mentioned for you.

Hope this doesn't seem to harsh, because it's not meant that way Just my thoughts, and I'm only one reader.

 

[SavannahMann]

Two quick suggestions

First, edit your post and remove your email addy. If you are willing to receive email, then there is a setting for that in your profile.

Second, please help us and post a link to your story.

Thanks.

 

[rachlou]

A fairly decent story that i'm sure will appeal to all those looking for a quick fix! Other than what Dark mentioned, I noticed that you flipped between tenses somewhat distractingly. An editor would pick this up, along with the grammer etc.

Although it was really just a short scene, the story could go many directions from this point. It felt like you were setting the ground work for a 'cheating wife' story. One word of advice - don't post in LW category unless you want lots of flaming comments and feedback.

Good start, keep writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I hate saying this, but you did pretty well for a first story. You should be congratulated for allowing your characters to speak for themselves and tell their own story. That is something that is missed by most first-time writers.

But as Rachel and Drk said, you really have two problems here. This is not quite a story, but more of a scene from a story. And you really do need an editor.

Next time expand your story to more than just a single scene - make it travel a distance from the beginning to the conclusion. Make your characters change and grow from the journey. That will make you one of the better writers on this site.

Your grammar, word choice and punctuation need a lot of help. This causes "speed bumps" in the reading.

Fix those two things and you will be well on the way.