Seeking Comments on First Posting - "College Days I" by Caelum

[caelum]

I have recently had my first story posted and would very much appreciate some constructive criticism. I seem to be doing well in the voting but have only heard from a couple of people and their comments have been limited...but positive.

I realize that there is one typo near the end of the story...used the wrong name for one of the characters...glad that hasn't happened in real life!

This story is a combination of real life experiences and some fantasy that arose from those experiences. I have tried to take a very conversational/reminiscence approach to writing the story...tried to relay it as I relive it in my mind.

Here is the link:

Author: Caelum
Title: College Days I

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75576

Thanks so much for your help.

Caelum

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hello Caelum,
Congrats on your first posting. Before I begin please note that my comments are only my opinion and are intended to help. You have a very nice first here, however, here are the things I noticed as I read.

"I raised her skirt, pulled her ass into me, and ground my cock into her. Reaching back I pushed with my hands and sat up with Abby straddling me. "

if you were pulling her ass into you how could you grind your cock into her with her staddling you? Perhaps it should have said gripping her ass I pulled her into me. The mechanics of it work better said this way.

"Leaning forward, she pulled at my belt, and yanked my zipper down. I helped her pull my jeans off while she grabbed my cock. "
Here you've said you helped her remove your jeans then,
"Her hands draped across my abdomen and then to the buttons of my jeans. As she looked up into my eyes, she first pulled the top button, then the next, then the next, then her hand slid in, and then she pulled the last."

The jeans were already off before you got to here.

"Wow. It is fairly obvious when a woman enjoys sucking cock. Some don't. Some put up with it. Some take the "I do you-you do me" approach. And some love it...Abby loved it...so did I.

"

This could be either here nor there. I would suggest making this one or two sentences instead of having it so broken up.
Wow, it is fairly obvious when a woman enjoys sucking cock. Some don't, some put up with it, some take the 'I do you - you do me' approach and some just love it. Abbey was one of those who loved it and so did I.

"Abby knew. Boy did she know. She held my cock in one hand and pressed the other into my abdomen. She held the head to her lips and whispered. The vibration made me jolt."

here again you could make less sentences
Abbey knew, boy did she know, she held my cock in one hand and pressed the other into my abdomen. She held the head to her lips and whispered, the vibration made me jolt.
I'm not real keen on the word jolt here, maybe, jump or shiver or something but jolt sounds odd to me.


"She knew. My cock hadn't even been in her mouth and I was ready to cum. She really did know."
I don't think the she knew is needed here, it was already stated in the para before that. And "she really did know" at the end, what did she know? That you liked it? That you were getting ready to cum? Or that she knew how to make you crazy, be more descriptive show us instead of telling us what it was that she knew how to do.

There are examples of these things through your story that can be fixed and make your story better. You have a very nice start, the sex scenes are well done. In my opinion you should have more dialogue to 'show' not 'tell' what is happening. Paint the scenes with as much description as possible.

Again, I hope I have helped you here. My intentions are not to tear this apart just to help.

Good luck with future writing and congrats on your first.

Wicked

 

[Xodus]

Hiya Caelum
I am new here also, so take my comments with a grain of salt
First, it seemed to me like this guy almost had a premature ejaculation problem. I know the women didn't seem to mind, but it seemed like he was coming almost as soon as each scene got started. Somehow it left me wanting the scene to last longer or something.
Second, I really enjoyed the first head-job even though it didn't last very long. She really did seem like she knew

 

[DarlingNikki]

nice

I think Wicked-n-Erotic makes some good points. I can't really think of anything to add, but I wanted to mention that I really liked the light, reminisce-y tone to the story. It was very pleasant to read and very believable.

Nikki

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, I would lose the first paragraph. It serves no purpose except to let us know that you're going to tell us a story, and we already know that. The story will start fine at the second paragraph.

Then: Lose all the senior angst stuff. Does it infuence his actions or lend information to the story? It doesn't seem to, so we probably don't need to know all the details. And for all he tells us, he doesn't tell us anything that would make him stand out form all the oine million or so college seniors that feel the same way. In other words, you spend a long time telling us that you're typical.

The main problem for me was that I got no sense whatsoever of the characters' personalities or feelings, and those are the things that basically make a story interesting. He seems kind of blase about things, and so does she. Does she even like him? How do we know?

The way they meet is quite unremakable, and we're never told what it was that attracted them to each other. It just seems to happen. It gives the feeling that we're with two very shallow people, and it gives the sex a kind of "so what" feel as well. I mean, what was their motivation. His breakup?

Other than that, I think the writing is fine. I had no trouble with figuring out what was going on in the sex scene. It's the non-sex parts I had trouble with.

But it's agood effort. Keep with it.


---dr.M.