Seeking an editor for a short CD story

[AlexBailey]

I've got a new story, actually a complete rewrite of my first submission to literotica. It's a little less than 2500 words and I'd appreciate another set of eyes for grammar and typos and any constructive suggestions.

Since it's so short I'd like to just do it through PMs if that works for you.

Thanks!

-AB

 

[AlexBailey]

Got it. Thanks!


(Hi, it's funny if you found this old page, I'm using it as a cut-and-paste notepad for assembling reviews on my tablet before posting them on my review thread. Please don't respond to this, I don't want it to come up in 'new posts'. )

https://forum.literotica.com/threads/offering-amateur-reviews-for-short-tg-cd-stories.1602697/

Thanks.

How about you have a look at one of these?

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-02

https://literotica.com/s/falling-for-dads-slut-ch-05

In Ch2, the fem MC is the usual fem self, in Ch5 she plays boy. You pick your poison.

Reading Ch1 (which is possibly the weakest -- and I mean to rewrite it) helps understanding who are the characters.

Or, see the blurb below.

The story is in the title: a young man, Evan, falls in love with Stella, a girl, a boy, and a man, that he finds in the company of his playboy father. Evan knows right away Stella is a slut. And not just any kind of slut, she's a slut of the most debauched kind, the kind that chases cock with abandon.

The story is ninety percent sex. Wild, kinky, endless sex. Exhibitionism is a major theme: the characters flash and have sex in full view of strangers again and again. Propriety is their least concern -- they like it messy and dirty. They engage in uncertain gender role play and tongue-in-cheek power dynamic play.

For Stella, it's all about having fun. For Evan, it's finding love and meaning. He would like nothing more than to have her as his girlfriend, and he does his best to get her.

This piece comes across as more of a jerk piece than a story. The main focus is on fucking, and if this is the only point of the story it serves a very narrow audience. My criticism is going to be about how to make it relatable to a broader audience who would be looking for something to become emotionally invested in. I will not be getting into the mechanics of the action or grammar and I invite others to comment on that.

"The story is ninety percent sex" - this is true. I'm a very sexualized person but this was far beyond the stamina of my libido, it was a rough read for me. I did not connect well enough with the characters or the story to be drawn in. I read parts 1, 2, and 5, and listened to 3 and 4 on audio fast play. By not reading the entire series I may have missed out on parts of a wider plot arch that could have justified some of the awkwardness and filled in some blanks, but if so it did not come in time to keep my interest.

I don't doubt that there are readers who will enjoy every scene, but they must be getting turned on by some kink I don't feel. Honestly there are many erotic categories I'm not into, but whether or not I share the kink has no bearing on the literary quality.



I'm not sure who the intended audience is. It seems it would be a better fit for fetish than TG/CD, but that's not how Lit categories work. Fortunately the title and chapter descriptions do a fairly good job of representing the hardcore content.

The setting is a world where debauchery and sex are celebrated, the sex obsessed protagonist develops a fetish-based crush on a gender nonconforming "slut" whose mysterious neglected past is well outside of social norms.

I didn't connect with ‘Evan‘ the MC protagonist. We know he's interested in Stella but it seems to be entirely for use as a sex toy. The first person narration and internal dialogue has some exploration of the subject but a deeper connection isn’t really developed.

The character, Stella, is Evan's love interest. This is a very opaque character with hypersexualized social dysfunctions, yet in five chapters the narrative has given very little depth to this character.

-------------------------

"I'm a slut. I get my ass fucked."

"There must be more."

"There isn't. I'm a very boring person. A most unidimensional character."

-------------------


There were two info dumps for Stella's background that were delivered as solid blocks of monologue. Doing the exposition in two way dialogue could have helped develop the characters. The protagonist could be asking questions which would air his concerns and reveal personality traits while the 2nd character would reveal far more about their hangups and motivations. Five chapters in I still know very little about either of them.

Each line in a well written story should have a purpose and should move the plot, it should bring the characters closer or push them further away from their goals, otherwise it's just filling time while they aren't fucking.

Readers will be more inclined to care about the characters:
* If they like them.
* If they see themselves in them.
* If the characters displays some internal struggle and are working towards a goal.
* If the reader can sympathize with the character.


I didn't like the characters, they didn’t display any socially redeeming qualities for me.

They were too far down the rabbit hole for me to relate to their kinks. They only displayed an unbearably extreme extension of sexual obsession.

Aside from wanting continuous sex I could not identify their goals. Yes Evan wanted a relationship with Stella but to what end? All he seemed to want was a sex toy.

My feeling for the characters is more pity than sympathy. There are opportunities in some scenes to develop sympathy for the characters but all of their needs are met. They have quirks but no struggles.


Small personal details could make the characters more relatable and add unique memorable touches. Struggles and goals can provides a basis for compelling conversation, each line can serve a purpose and be meaningful.

Again, I may be missing something here that other readers will connect with. To me this is like a porno that isn’t burdened with a plot and that just isn’t my cup of tea.