Seeking advice

[fulvius]

I'm 30/m and a computer professional, just to share a little about me -- I've known I'm into BDSM since I first discovered my sexuality, although I didn't know what to call it back then. A therapist once told me that all BDSM is unhealthy sexuality, and I've never believed that - it goes contrary to my direct experience.

However, I do believe that some BDSM *can* be unhealthy. For example there are certain studios, such as one out of Hungary that I'll not name here, where I get a horrible, sick feeling after watching their videos. And sometimes "hard" bdsm can start to border on snuff when permanent mutilation occurs or the subjects are in danger.

I don't like those types of videos, but there's a sexual hunger inside of me that perpetually gnaws at me, and I harm myself in my attempts to satisfy that hunger when I do things like smoking or drinking too much or in this case, looking at porno that really *isn't* healthy.

Does anyone else share my struggle? And does anyone have any suggestions or ideas as to how I might better go about avoiding the sick stuff while still enjoying the good stuff and hopefully satisfying that intense sexual hunger?

thanks so much for reading.

kevin

 

[devinity7]

It's hard to give anyone advice that you don't know and based on a few paragraphs. Even as much as one may want to help. If I am reading this right, you know what you are watching might not be healthy in real life practices, yet you enjoy watching them. You feel guilty as if something is wrong because you get enjoyment out of something that might be considered to be a sick fetish?

I want to say that I do agree that all BDSM is not unhealthy and that's really not for anyone to say, that's based on personal preferences. Although, I don't agree with causing anyone harm or permanent damage.

 

[KoPilot]

Consume written porn instead of video porn? No ethics to fret over that way.

I struggle with what I want sometimes. I struggled with it growing up without knowing what I was doing. (For the record, I'm a macrophile and have always hated how tall/big my body was, two things which are quite impossible to do anything about.) I did lasting damage to my body; I have a rounded back and a few weirdly shaped ribs from probably hunching over too much. I have chronic back pain. I have practically no core muscle strength thanks to the aforementioned.

Going on birth control had a really nice side effect that most anyone else would absolutely hate: a significantly lowered libido. I was in really bad shape for a whole host of reasons back when I still had my monthly hormone blitz. I came out of it feeling depressed, lethargic, and emotionally empty.

BDSM is the only way for me to get something that feels like what I want. I used to feel bad about my fetishes, which are pretty extreme in a not-so-typical-bdsm way, but I don't care much anymore because I can't satiate them anyways. My inability to do so probably contributes to my depression and anxiety, and I've started drinking because of it. My therapist didn't help me, so I'm just trying to get by.

Anyways, there's really nothing to worry about if everyone involved in your sex life is consenting to be there.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

However, I do believe that some BDSM *can* be unhealthy. For example there are certain studios, such as one out of Hungary that I'll not name here, where I get a horrible, sick feeling after watching their videos. And sometimes "hard" bdsm can start to border on snuff when permanent mutilation occurs or the subjects are in danger.

I don't like those types of videos, but there's a sexual hunger inside of me that perpetually gnaws at me, and I harm myself in my attempts to satisfy that hunger when I do things like smoking or drinking too much or in this case, looking at porno that really *isn't* healthy.

Does anyone else share my struggle? And does anyone have any suggestions or ideas as to how I might better go about avoiding the sick stuff while still enjoying the good stuff and hopefully satisfying that intense sexual hunger?

thanks so much for reading.

kevin

Kevin, there's a *load* of BDSM-oriented stuff available out there, and odds are most of it does*not* fall in the (as you say) "sick stuff" category. Find and make lists of studios/producers who provide the "sick stuff" and avoid them; find and make lists of studios/producers who make the "good stuff." No one forces you to watch the stuff that gives you the "horrible, sick feeling." When a video *starts* to give you that feeling, shut it off and go to something else.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Because of the commercial exploitation (well, attempts to make money, put it that way) aspect of anything and everything that can be classed as 'porn,' BDSM in particular, in my view, has come to be used by a very VERY wide range of people as a term to label what they are doing.

In exploiting or trying to exploit a set of sexual and erotic drives and desires, ignorant producers do things that are merely searching for a paying audience, rather than being any kind of genuine expression - even of the genuinely extreme kinds - of BDSM.

But I totally agree with the OP, this is only going to confuse a lot of people.

On the other hand I will likely not be the only person here to say that you might be surprised at what extremes some 'genuine' BDSM people can genuinely desire to go to...

There is, however, almost the missing 'ring of truth' to quite a lot of depicted BDSM porn material and it really shows where the stuff is extreme.

No matter that critics are going to hammer me for saying this, I will tell the OP that HUGE HUGE numbers of the human race are simply mindbogglingly clumsy lovers - in spite of the fact that the human race grows!

Just getting laid tends to be a drive for younger people and that's fine too, but if you are really talking about some kind of sublime erotic relationship or continuity of experience(s) then you really are going to have to focus on the subtleties and move the 'just getting laid' to one side...

Getting laid, is very often in any case, a side-effect of relating meaningfully.

My friend, I'm assuming you're a male... And heterosexual or bi at the minimum... The normative outward 'style' patterns of heterosexual women are copied by women generally, and most particularly by normative heterosexual women...

But the problem with that is that it is a facade.

Therein lies both your challenge as well as your opportunity. People - intelligent people, be they men or women - appreciate subtlety and acts of and the action of, intelligence. Those who are ONLY adopting a facade will never perceive any subtlety and you will never be able to communicate accurately with them.

Sexual drives and needs are highly generic and you will be able to get to first base with a lot of people - relatively.

But you will not be able to locate a realistic partner who will comprehend and accept your own needs and desires unless they are also walking around with their eyes fully open.

And to that extent indeed it is true that most of the world walks around with their eyes wide shut.

And because they do, it is so much easier to 'see' those who don't. But they are incredibly rare, and most or all spend a lot of time and energy working on themselves so you are also talking about 'extreme' or at least extremely capable exponents of the erotic life.

If you are setting a high bar then you are talking about an extreme few individual people, comparatively speaking, compared to all the people you will encounter in every normal day.

I have found it to be the case that a large proportion of those I would say are deeply into a genuinely non commercially exploitative BDSM lifestyle (and that includes some professional lifestyle people who are much more motivated by the lifestyle itself than the money aspects) - also have extensive psychological learnings and can accommodate diverse needs in others because of understanding the psychology involved.

BDSM is a qualified or at least graduated extension of particular natural tendencies and innate understandings. It is an unfolding and an endless circle at the same time. It is not a learned sport. Not in my opinion. The fact that it has been commercialised by the sexpo trade shows and the adult shops and in porn and mainstream films does NOT mean that the facades that people play at in mimicry is quite the same thing as the real thing.

Access to private BDSM gatherings is not difficult to attain. And the rest is about you knowing EXACTLY what you want and observing other people and who they really are, and what they really want and have the capacity to provide. I don't think it's a trading thing; not where it really matters. Not trading as in 'you do this/I do that.' People try to make it that at various levels of the thing but it isn't a real thing to rely on.

Why don't you consider what an earlier poster suggested - have a look at some of the BDSM erotica stories hereabouts and maybe even write your own and see where you fit into the picture? I'm sure that if you privately messaged a writer whose work you found interesting they would communicate a few ideas in greater detail.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm 30/m and a computer professional, just to share a little about me -- I've known I'm into BDSM since I first discovered my sexuality, although I didn't know what to call it back then. A therapist once told me that all BDSM is unhealthy sexuality, and I've never believed that - it goes contrary to my direct experience.

However, I do believe that some BDSM *can* be unhealthy. For example there are certain studios, such as one out of Hungary that I'll not name here, where I get a horrible, sick feeling after watching their videos. And sometimes "hard" bdsm can start to border on snuff when permanent mutilation occurs or the subjects are in danger.

I don't like those types of videos, but there's a sexual hunger inside of me that perpetually gnaws at me, and I harm myself in my attempts to satisfy that hunger when I do things like smoking or drinking too much or in this case, looking at porno that really *isn't* healthy.

Does anyone else share my struggle? And does anyone have any suggestions or ideas as to how I might better go about avoiding the sick stuff while still enjoying the good stuff and hopefully satisfying that intense sexual hunger?

thanks so much for reading.

kevin

I know the impulse of which you speak.

I cannot watch 'real people' scenes like those. I can go off like a rocket from similar images in hentai cartoons though, and I never feel guilty about that. A cartoon is a cartoon.

And I like the kink.com network. It gets pretty damn extreme and I know absolutely that it is always consensual.

I am going to suggest something I almost NEVER say, and only because you are harming yourself and feeling bad because of your desires; see a shrink.

The human brain is a funny thing, a combination of intangible thoughts that guide the formation of the brain's physical architecture, which then accommodates those thoughts. It's not always a good thing. You've developed a bit of a compulsion-- one you would rather not have. Pharmacology has developed drugs that *may* help you change that shit right up-- anti OCD stuff.

 

[knot_sweet]

Um...

Just from a personal side, and maybe nothing to do with you...

But if it's been a while for me, I find my imagination tends to go a bit overboard. I find myself watching or fantasising about things that I know would normally make me a little sick to my stomach.

Get laid. Find someone who can be comfortable with your BDSM needs and is able to fulfill the "fuck buddy" role if a relationship is out of the question.

Even just scratching the vanilla itch can help with keeping the BDSM beast fed to a certain extent. Especially if you can push your own mental buttons while you're fucking.

Pay for a session if you're comfortable with that. There are plenty of professional BDSM folk out there in both the Dom/me and sub modes, or even phone sex can help. Trust me, they're professionals, they've seen and heard it all before.

Or write down some of the desires and needs you have in fantasy porn. Or even dot points lists...Anything that will state clearly what it is you want.

Don't wait to let the urges build up.

It just makes things go in directions that can be really demoralising. And end up making you feel bad about what is a very healthy and exciting thing. Which leads to repression and the back on the escalation cycle.

On the other hand, sometimes what we want and imagine and find sexually stimulating is considered 'bad'. So? It's ok to think whatever you like in the privacy of your own head. As long as we understand the difference between fantasy and reality, there's nothing wrong with what's in your head. Plenty of women have rape fantasies, and I doubt very much if they'd ever actually find the reality enjoyable.

You'll be fine.

 

[box13]

There's some part of arousal that must be closely related to other strong feelings, like shame or humiliation, pain, or even utter disgust. I've "wandered" into looking at things that ultimately left me feeling soft and turned off, just because they're beyond my boundaries I suppose...and some of what I read now is "beyond" as well, but the thought of someone acting that out vs. just reading it in fantasy makes a huge difference.

I don't know what exists in terms of good "beak your addiction" material that you could learn about, and apply to your dilemma here...I think you're to an extent attempting to reconcile who you think you are with what you see..and is what you see a turn on because you really like it, or is it trying to tell you something significant about yourself...maybe if I understand your question correctly.

I suppose I rather think that one can develop, or find themselves with sexual attachments that don't work well for their worldview. I don't think it's wrong to make a choice about it, and decide that something isn't healthy, or that it doesn't fit your life...prostitutes, drugs, watching too much TV, anal sex with baseball bats, or whatever the case may be. There's a more developed part of your brain that can tell the less developed part to shut the fuck up.

Maybe sort of related, I don't know, but after some long and frequent verbal arguments with the wife left me feeling isolated, I realized at some point a lot of my "needy" searches were starting with "forced..." and I wondered if it was some kind of subconscious anger thing that I was expressing in what I wanted to see, what I thought might turn me on sexually. So maybe that's "perpetually gnawing" at me anger in a way, so I understand that I suppose, and realized it. I didn't necessarily stop searching, but I realized why...maybe...and stopped looking as often.

My 2nd wife talked once about unexpressed hidden shame, and how that could push people towards doing things that made them feel their grief externally...shoplifting or whatnot...I only put a little bit of faith in Freud et al, so I can't say if that applies to you at all; if you're looking at degrading images of women or men because of some wound, or something you felt as a child, in a past life, when you were a oxen living on another planet living as a spirit child on the other side of the veil that some people think there is before you're born.

Ya. That last part is a little tongue-in-cheek there. And hey! You're asking questions, so that's a good step forward.

A lot of people do a binge-purge cycle (raises hand) with sex. Trying to find "more" and then feeling awful about it, guilty, and getting rid of it...for a while. I don't know that the cycle itself is wrong, or that feeling no shame is better. I just know that's what people do. I think it's just a difficult area of life to find an equilibrium about. I'd like to talk to the wife about spanking or strapons or whatever, but I can't, so I look for other outlets.

Take care.

 

[JustADom]

This might sound contradictory and hypocritical, but I do think that BDSM can be unhealthy.

The reason is that just like porn and compulsive sex, BDSM can be addictive and it could turn into an addictive behavior. I do believe that's what most therapists mean when they say that it's "unhealthy". Some, if not most people who are into BDSM probably feel an intense "high" during BDSM sessions. The desire to feel that "high" feeling again would become more and more intense and eventually it will turn into a craving that you MUST satisfy.

When a BDSM activity becomes a craving, then you must satisfy that intense urge, and not because you actually want to have an BDSM experience. It basically becomes like taking a drug. In fact the mechanism is almost exactly the same: it releases a huge amount of dopamine (the pleasure chemical) in your brain and you want to have that feeling again and again because it's so pleasurable.

The scariest part is that you will eventually start to build tolerances: you will start to require more and more intense and extreme BDSM experiences to satisfy your urges, because the old "soft" stuff isn't exciting anymore. Again, it's very akin to people taking harder and harder drugs in order to satisfy their addiction.

Like with anything, do it with moderation. If you're seriously concerned then stay away from porn and BDSM for a while.