Second story (better than the last one, probably)

[Stout chap]

Hello, you lovely lot. Seeing as you were all so very nice to me on my first submission I thought I'd submit another. I'm afraid I have been reading 19th century literature rather a lot recently so this one is another period piece. Now I don't like facials much (giving or receiving!) but writing about them makes me feel very randy indeed, so I thought I'd go mad and make a little perverse story about a nice young girl getting splashed on by some Navy chap. I've tried to add in a little bit of humour and Austen-esque irony but I think I have failed dismally in that respect. I've tried to get to the point quicker than in my last story, but reading it now it just feels rushed. And whether it is erotic or not is anyone's guess. Oh well! Tell me what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80939

P.S. I couldn't think of a witty name for this story so I went for the "it does exactly what it says on the tin" idea.

 

[tmarcl]

First question: How many 19th century literary works have you read? I haven't read too many, so I can't comment on their style. If you haven't read too many, then I'd advise just placing the story in that era and writing it in 21st century prose.

That having been said:

The Watson girls were preparing for a ball. To be held at the manor belonging to one Lord Fairfax, a rich and noble man of many acquaintances. The girls were very excited, indeed!

This is too wordy. All this information could have been wriiten in one sentence.

"The Watson girls busily preparing for a ball to be held at the manor of Lord Fairfax."

I took out a few things, as you can see. That they were excited is implied by the fact that they are busily preparing. That the man is rich, noble and well known is implied by two things: One, his title (*Lord* Fairfax), and two, the fact that he lives in a manor.


“Oh!” snapped Charlotte, the youngest; “this petticoat is filled with creases! I cannot possibly wear such a silly thing. It is too frumpy! Isabelle, give me one of yours.”


The punctuation in the first part is incorrect. You only use punctuation when you're ending a sentence, not breaking it up. If you're doing a quote, use commas. In my opinion, you broke up the quote in the wrong spot. Try this:

"Oh! This petticoat is filled with creases," the youngest sister, Charlotte complained. "I cannot possibly wear such a silly thing, it is too frumpy! Isabelle, give me one of yours!"

Also double check on the use of contractions. Most young people don't say two words when they can use one (hence, contractions). I don't know how or if they were used in the 19th century, but a 21st century woman is not going to say, "I cannot possibly wear," she's going to say 'can't'. Same thing with the 'it is'.

Thirdly, petticoats are worn under the dress, creases don't matter.

Isabella, the eldest and wisest of the girls at twenty-two-years-of-age, sighed, and politely asked, “Do not you have others you can wear? You are much larger than I am: my frocks should not fit you.”

In the first sentence, you need to take out three of your hyphens. It should be twenty-two years of age, not twenty-two-years-of-age. Also, take out the everything after sighed, and turn that comma into a period.

The sentence "Do not you have others you can wear?" Is both cumbersome and wrong. If a twenty-two year old isn't going to use contractions, she'd be more likely to say, "Do you not have others you can wear?". And by the way, remember, petticoats are basically underwear. Charlotte is more than likely to have more than one.

"You are much larger than I am: my frocks should not fit you.”

This doesn't need a colon, a comma would do just fine. However, in what way is Charlotte larger? Given their relative ages, Charlotte is likely to be either smaller, or roughly the same height. Is she fatter? Does she have a bigger bosom? What?

In addition, 'should' is used to define something that may happen in the future. The proper term to use here is 'will.' Remember, it's not tomorrow that the petticoat won't fit, but today, right at this moment.

Finally, a 'frock' is an outer garment, not a undergarment. If the petticoat has creases, Charlotte's not going to be looking for a new dress, but for a new undergarment.

Before I go any further, I think it's obvious you need to study up on the 19th century in general. You've got her squeezing into a petticoat over her corset, which is not likely (a corset usually required two people to help put on and squeeze as tight as possible, and a petticoat was loose enough, that even if Charlotte were still big, it would go over easily).

By eighteen, both girls would have been married, so the naval officer would likely be expressing surprise that they're still single, not commenting on her parents' good fortune.

Also, while you can abbreviate 'lieutenant' as Lt. when using the man's full title, you still need to spell it out when it's by itself.

All in all I'm afraid the story needs a lot of work if you want to keep it set in the 19th century. You may be better off just modernizing it.

Marc

 

[DarlingNikki]

I've read plenty of 19th century lit, and the original phrasings work fine in that respect.

 

[Stout chap]

I've read loads of 19th century novels. Verbal contractions are used very sparingly in speech. Contractions such as "don't" were almost always written as "do not": such as in "Do not you have others you can wear?". The "do you not" style did not appear in mainstream 19th century texts till the latter half of the century.

I have tried to keep punctuation within 19th cent. norms: dashes, hyphens, endless semicolons and parenthesis. The pomposity of it all I've attempted to attack!

Talking out of the correct tense was also very popular by 19th century characters. Events are often talked of hypothetically even when, indeed, they are not. It is very silly, and is usually a source of wit for 19th century authors. I don't think I've expanded on this idea very much, however. (Hence the should/would instead of shall/will.)

Having the petticoats on display foolishly was intended to be an ironical aside about perversity, but I can see how I haven't done it very well.

You comment on my wordiness! You are right to do so, but 19th century literature is always wordy. Never is it plain and simple: grandiose was the name of the game. Trying to be as pompous as possible was considered usual back then, nowadays I've tried to make a little joke out of it. Here again see the speech of the characters with their endless pomp and lack-of contractions.

Is Charlotte larger? I thought this was evident from the dialogue of the characters. I have attempted to not describe things in too gratuitous a detail: partly because this is the 19th century norm for dealing with perverse things; partly because I want readers to use their own imagination to create the scene for themselves; but mostly because art imitates life, and the more detail you throw into erotic detail the less erotic it becomes.

You are right about my attention to historical detail! Unfortunately, most literary novels are sparse on the general goings-on of ordinary life. It's only to the modern reader these things seem extraordinary.

A modern-version of the story might be a good idea. I shall attempt a modern-day setting for my next story I think.

Thank you for your comments!