Second part suggestions?

[intofdom]

Hi I published a femdom story to literotica
http://www.literotica.com/s/a-pro-domme
I would like to release a second part, but I am not sure what I must highlight in my next story and what all I must remove from the second part.
Please specify the tags that you liked or hated in my story and would like to see in my second story.

Any kind of feedback is welcome.
TIA

 

[PennLady]

Hi intof.

Good luck with your story. I don't really know enough about doms of any kind to say whether you've hit the right buttons, so I haven't read the story. I can say, though, that if you aren't sure where to go, you probably should have run this by an editor or beta reader before you posted it. It's your story -- you should know what to do with it.

 

[kbate]

with a quick read (not into femdom) I found:

You badly overuse adverbs, especially for dialogue attribution. "She asked boldy" is weak, weak, weak.

Your dominatrix should not have to ask her potential slave if he wants to be her slave. Sure there's the legal hassles and all, but it isn't domination if she needs his permission to dominate him.

Work on your dialogue and work on establishing your character.

Your dominatrix asks too much and tells too little.

"Are you David?" should be "You are David." She should then tell him to either be silent, speak only when ordered to speak, or so on. The first part of any domination is to humble and dehumanise the victim. Stripped, blindfolded, silenced and bound is the beginning - being ordered into sex is the end.

I don't know if your story is adequate for the femdom fans because I'm not a fan. I do know your writing could be much stronger with a little bit of work.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Your dominatrix should not have to ask her potential slave if he wants to be her slave. Sure there's the legal hassles and all, but it isn't domination if she needs his permission to dominate him.

I disagree. IRL a professional domme will often start with a friendly chat to negotiate what the client wants, because not everybody's into the same things, and it all happens within a framework of consent. Here's an example of how a professional dungeon handles things.

(Plus, getting somebody to ADMIT they want to be a slave can be a very dominant experience in itself.)

"Are you David?" should be "You are David." She should then tell him to either be silent, speak only when ordered to speak, or so on.

The story isn't as clear on this as it might be, but: the woman who asks "Are you David?" is not the dominatrix who conducts his session. She's more likely the receptionist.

And, yeah, she is going to ask who he is, because he's probably not their only client for the evening. I wouldn't do to mix up the David shy new customer looking for a bit of domination with Darrell the hardcore masochist who wants to be flogged to his limits. (Let alone Dean the Jehovah's Witness who just knocked on the wrong door...)

The first part of any domination is to humble and dehumanise the victim. Stripped, blindfolded, silenced and bound is the beginning - being ordered into sex is the end.

There are many different styles of domination. What you're describing is just one of them.

For that matter, not everybody who goes to a professional mistress wants psychological domination at all. Some are in it purely for the bondage and/or masochism aspects. For a pro, the first part is finding out what their client wants.

 

[Bramblethorn]

A few comments:

- You jump around between tenses: it starts out with "My voice cracks" (present tense) but then wanders into past tense with "the voice stated", and so on. Don't shift tense unless you have a specific reason.

- The negotiation bit was good, but depending on how much realism you're going for: I'd also expect some more questions during the phone call about what he's looking for, even if the reply is just "I don't really know". Some clients have very specific requirements, and a dungeon needs to know those in advance so they can find a suitable mistress/dig out the SS costume/inflate the rubber sheep/whatever.

- Like kbate said, watch your adverbs.

- Be careful of redundancy: "tight body hugging" is overdoing it. (Also, I am still confused by the miniskirt that "extended up to her thighs" - that's a very odd visual.)

- Redundancy in dialog tags: '"Yes mistress," I agreed' - we already know he's agreeing because he just said yes.

- "she had her nipples and belly button pierced apart from her pussy" - not sure what the last bit means here.

- Miscellaneous proofreading issues: "there wad nothing I could do" etc. If you can find one, get a beta reader to look over your work before posting.

- "I could hear my mistress pulling out a lubricated condom and pulling it on the dildo." Points for detail here; I can't remember the last time I saw a story with a strap-on mention the condom. However, unless he has such highly-developed hearing that he can tell the difference between a lubricated and unlubricated condom by ear, maybe find a different way to give this info.

- "It has been a long time since I had derived something from this" - to me this bit is weak. Why is this one special for her? And "I think I love you" was too much for me to buy - maybe after a few visits when they've built up a rapport it might be plausible that they'd go beyond the professional relationship, but not after just one session.

Okay, that's a lot of nitpicking, but... despite those issues, I quite liked it. It dodged a lot of the cliches of femdom and went for something a bit more human. (Some readers don't want that, but there's plenty of material for them already.) You just need to do some work on the technical aspects and on character development.

 

[sr71plt]

Again, I'm amused at the concept that there's a book on strict rules of what BDSM can be and what it can't be.

 

[lovecraft68]

Again, I'm amused at the concept that there's a book on strict rules of what BDSM can be and what it can't be.

We don't agree often, but I will second this.

There are 3 standard rules.

Safe

Sane

CONSENSUAL
'
Beyond those each and every person's "Lifestyle" is as unique as the person themselves.

The people over in the BDSM forum that constantly try to "mold" people into their perceived notions of the lifestyle are no less harmful than people who are clueless.

 

[sr71plt]

Oh, I don't agree with that at all. BDSM can be none of those, either on purpose or because it got muffed up. BDSM isn't just a role-playing game. It's a group of fringe sex acts, any of which can involve a whole lot of violence and can end in death. Let's get real here and take off those silly costumes and ditch what anyone claims is a limiting rule book.

BDSM doesn't just stand for a rather nutso role-playing game. The elements stand for actual sex practices, bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, which can be engaged in by serial killers and dumb high school students as well as anyone else and can certainly lead to something that isn't safe or consensual. They can be mildly applied and they can be the cause of death. And there's no rule book that limits who can do them, how, how much, and to what result.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Again, I'm amused at the concept that there's a book on strict rules of what BDSM can be and what it can't be.

There are DOZENS, mostly contradicting one another...