Second attempt at poetry

[Sex The Drug]

Here is my second attempt at writing a poem. The funny part is I cant seem to stop now. I am 30 yrs old never liked to read or write yet for some reason can't stop now.

I look forward to learning more and more from all of the friendly people in here.

Hope you like it.


Once I swam in a pond like a frog
And fluttered to the sky on a swing
Once I laughed with carefree joy
Embracing whatever life conveyed

Life is awakened by the daily clamor
Fresh dew on my brow
Back is rigid with hair askew
Today is an untouched day

Forgotten or never known
Heard but rarely listened too
In plane site, yet not focused on
Bruised and tattered, life on back

Hand stretched out for the days work
Unsure what it will return
A dirty look, a coin or two
Pity, that is certain

As darkness falls with lights aglow
The search gets under way
Warm spots taken
Cover will have to do

Back now in that pond
Swimming like a frog
Maybe I wont awake
Maybe this will be the day.

 

[WickedEve]

This is good. You do have natural talent.

By the way, plane site should be plain sight (unless you're talking about an airplane or a website or construction site.)

This part is really good:
Once I swam in a pond like a frog
And fluttered to the sky on a swing

Keep up the good work!

WE

 

[Sex The Drug]

This is good. You do have natural talent.

Thank you for your kind words. I think it is people like you who help us "newbies" enter into this world.

English, writing,spelling or grammer were never at the top of my top ten list.

Thank you for pointing out my error's.

STD....... I better change that

Sex the drug

 

[JUDO]

Great!

Can't stop, eh? Well, the first one was free...hehehe! I guess the bug has bitten another victim.

STD -

Your new poem is way cool. I love the imagery and especially love the way the imagery and feeling is understated. Great work!

But you'd better title and post this, so folks can vote!

Toods.
- Judo

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Realized what it was about

It was a good poem, and then I realized what it was about. Then I read it again. Man, it's a GREAT poem. You should submit it.

 

[WickedEve]

You passed me by
Ready to be voted on. (hint, hint)

 

[Star At Sunrise]

*bump* This is a very good poem, and deserves to be voted on!

 

[The Huntsman]

I agree

Those first few lines are exquisite.
I love your choice of imagery, and the ambivalence.

Around the age of 28 - 30, the planet Saturn returns to the place it occupied upon the horizon at the instant of your birth. The re-appearance accomplishes two things: it gives something, and it takes something away. As Maynard of Tool sings, "It lifts you up like a child/ or drags you down like a stone, to/ consume you, 'till you, choose to/ let this go" Without coming across too authoritatively, I imagine that the past few years (and perhaps still) have been a time of incredible expansion, loss, turmoil, turnover, and rebirth.

Perhaps this new-found tongue is a natural outpouring of your revived spirit?
I am inclined to think so.
Whoever the giver of the gift, you must be blessed.

Ihmara

"Give away the stone,
let the ocean take and
transmutate
this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone,
let the waters kiss and
transmutate
these leaden grudges
into gold" - The Grudge, Maynard

 

[Sex The Drug]

Thank you all.

I have never shared the words that float around in my head with anyone before. I guess I was worried about what others may think. But on here it seems, even when the constructive criticism. It is a great place to share.

I have a few others that I am still working on.

Till then thanks for the nice words.

 

[Guest]

I was wondering what the meaning behind this poem was?

 

[Nitsuj]

nice poem, had me thinkin...

 

[Senna Jawa]

something real for a change

STD, the theme of your poem is very close to me, very familiar, it reminds me of the time when I lived in San Jose downtown (see for instance monk). Especially your stanza next to the last one is vivid to me, very real.

So, U have found your voice, STD

Best regards,

 

[Sex The Drug]

Thanks again. You know what is funny about this poem. Well not Ha Ha funny but strange funny. This poem just jumped out at me one night as I was walking in downtown Boston. A man was standing on the corner and was asking for change. I thought to myself “get a job” then I had a second thought…. I wonder if he was just like me once. You know back when you’re a child and everything is bigger better and more fun. At what point did he first reach out his hand for some change? At what point did things get so bad?

Just made me think……. And you see the rest. I have a few others that I am working on. But I need to get some kind of direction so I think its time to go people watch again. Its fun to take little looks into other peoples worlds.

 

[Senna Jawa]

witness

[...] I need to get some kind of direction so I think its time to go people watch again. Its fun to take little looks into other peoples worlds.

STD, U have a mature approach to poetry. While there were famous, self-centered poets in the past (they usually had a health problem), I like your way better. Majority of strong poets are alert to the world around them. One of the poetry's challenge is to be the witmess of its time.

Best regards,

 

[dark stranger]

seems the first one didn't take

enjoyed the poem,
mature views
of small photos
close up sincere
with tongue in cheek smile

 

[Sex The Drug]

dark stranger

Thats what I was going for Dark.


enjoyed the poem,
mature views
of small photos
close up sincere
with tongue in cheek smile

Just kidding its all new to me. I get a bit of a kick out of the fact that people see so much out of it. I know what I see when I read it and I guess your right. Small photos of the life that is??

And as far as Senna, who knows I may just have a "health problem"



But if we were all sane what would we have to compair it too?