Searching for REAL feedback...

[KillerVanity]

Hello everyone,

I just recently had my first new story submitted to Literotica. I haven't had any feedback yet, and I was wondering if I could get some so I know what to lose or add more of in upcoming stories. The title is Pick Your Poison and it's in the BDSM section.

 

[karmadog]

bad addy

repost it

 

[Debbie]

Here we go, the link to the story.

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36451

 

[dagny]

details details details

I read "Pick Your Poison"

You did a good job of setting out your emotions toward the boy. I could easily imagine the Master in the story circling his slave with his cock in his hands.

There was one mistake that really jumped off the page to me as I read though.

The Master bound the slave:

"I removed his hands from his thighs and bound them together behind his back with black bondage tape"
"The sight of this naked boy with the latex bondage around his wrists was lovely"

Then the slave reached up to take the Master in his hands:

"I felt his hands reach up to aid in pleasuring me"

In oversight your boy committed, and was punished for, an act he could not have performed, bound as he was. Readers are following every detail of your story as you lay them out. In erotica, it is often these small details that speak to the mind of the reader, exciting him, and drawing him into your writing. Inconsistency does not go unnoticed.
It's easy to miss these when we are caught up in the images of our story. That is why an editor can be such a valuable tool, helping you see over looked details.

I also questioned the choice of title. Poison signifies defilement of something. As a submissive in Power exchange relationships, discipline is not thought of as poison, but rather a tool for growth and purification. I never would have read your story, skimming over titles alone. Just something to think about.

It was a good first story. I found the language and the images erotic. and I hope to see you continue writing and posting in the future.

~dagny~

 

[KillerMuffin]

I realize that this has nothing to do with the subject at hand, but for a while there I thought you were a troll. I am so incredibly relieved. Welcome!

 

[KillerVanity]

You thought *I* was a troll? Whatever for?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've been accused of having a vanity of the nastiest sort, particularly when it comes to my know-it-all attitude with writing. Then I figured what the heck and opened the thread and discovered that you're just a normal guy after all. It was almost anti-climactic and the irony is titilliting. After all, wasn't it my own killer vanity that made me think that this was about me when it had absolutely nothing involved but coincidence?

Ahhh, I'm warped. Just ignore me.

 

[KillerVanity]

Here's me: "DUHHHHHHHHHH" finally realizing WHY you thought I was a troll after 20 minutes of analyzing your comments. Hooray for me, Captain Obvious

Killer Vanity is a name I've been using for a while, so I'm glad you don't think I'm imitating you or trying to make you look back. In fact, I'm rather flattered that the famous KillerMuffin replied to *my* rinky dink little post, since I've used some of your stuff for inspiration! w00t!