"Sea Monkey" Feedback Requested

[nymph817]

http://img.msotu.com/timg/2133257651393677576.jpg

I have recently completed a story that I think will appeal to everyone. I wrote the story influenced by Nephlim14's idea sheet.

http://findicons.com/files/icons/1604/free_christmas/16/candle.png ... Nate is not so good a fisherman living in England in the 16th century. Buford, his rival, says that the only thing he can catch is bait for REAL fishermen to use. But one day Nate punts his boat out very far into the ocean.

He gets a nibble, but it's certainly not a fish. It's a beautiful woman - in the water ! Now he must make a decision. To return home with this crazy story or - to dive in the water, possibly drowning, to see more of this miracle for himself ...

FIND STORY HERE

http://www.writerscafe.org/uploads/rte/39e51f94a0c258deb0ef5edcec4e5951.png
Please let me know what you think !

 

[robertreams]

Very confusing. If I read it right, the story takes place in the sixteenth century. But then, if one were writing in the sixteenth century, one wouldn't say, "back in the sixteenth century". For your character that would be "now". If one is going to write a story that takes place in the sixteenth century, one wouldn't say, "The dirt road". All roads would be dirt.
If one is to write a sixteenth century tale, one must research what fishingand living and living in the 16th century was like. If you want to set your story there and then, your dialog should carry a certain archaic sound to take your reader back. Do you have any idea how English was spoken in 1550? You should. You should relate certain events and places and times to the story t make the 16th century, "now"

The way it is written, you have 16th century folks talking like two guys in 21st century high school. While your story is grammatically correct, for the most part, it has an eerie sense of trying to be in a time when it is not. What kind of fishing gear did they use in 1550? What kind of fish did they catch and eat in England at the time?

May 28, 2008 - ... most importantly, Samual Pepys, one of the best diarists in the English language. ... And boy did they eat meat. ... It seems from Giles Coren's article that they started in the 16th century and went up to the 1970s. ... Quince and Pear Tarts; Lamprey (eel) Pie, made with a live eel from the Thames; Anchovies.

So you see, in five minutes I found out that fishermen in England would not only know about eels, but eels, even Lamprey eels would be a normal catch, and a normal part of their diet.

 

[nymph817]

Very confusing.

...

Wow, excellent ! Very good feedback.

I chose the 16th century as Nephlim mentioned, "history" in the description.

I'm not a historian, some people are, wow. Okay, I think I'll move this story to modern times. And yes, I have been told in the past that I am not a professional writer, but that I would make a good teen writer.

That is, someone who writes stories at a teenager level but not as an adult. Hmm ... http://msnsmileys.net/F/Facebook-Hidden-A-E/Disappointed-But-Relieved-Face.png

Lemme see what I can do to make amendments and corrections.

Thank you so much ! https://www.icts.uiowa.edu/confluence/s/en_GB/3396/9edc97f62fedb1d22a8ce3c36f168cc178fbcdea.33/_/images/icons/emoticons/thumbs_up.png

 

[nymph817]

Very confusing

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fishermen in England would not only know about eels, but eels, even Lamprey eels would be a normal catch, and a normal part of their diet.

Hello ! I have since updated the story, "Sea Monkey" would you please critique it again, Robert ?

Thank you !

You can find it HERE.

Oh, while I have you, I wanted to point out that your signature line looks like this in my Firefox browser:

https://dw817.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/bad-signature.png?w=687

I think you may be having some kind of problem with the font. Hope This Helps !