Sci-Fi Stripped: Sex and Violence 1

[SpaceToast]

http://internettrash.com/users/spacetoast/SFStripped.html

I thought I might ask for a few opinions on this story. It's my first serious stab at erotica. I thought I'd post it on my personal site for now, and sleep on it, before I take the plunge and submit.

This grew from the idea of a sci-fi story that's basically nothing but sex and violence (I'm reading "Tarzan" right now). In truth, there's very little violence in this piece, but it begs for continuation, should I ever desire to waste an afternoon and evening again (hence the bothersome "1" in the title, above). It's not a fanfic, and isn't based on anything specific. I'm sure "girl on girl action" in weightlessness has been done before, but maybe my talents will bring something vaguely new or worthwhile to it.

Bah. Enough jabber. Enjoy-

-M@

 

[Impetus]

I really like your writing style, I always enjoy inventive metafor, especially when it works well. The sex was hot and fun to read, and I generally liked your story except for one thing, I had almost no idea what was going on. By about halfway through the story I was able to pick up that this girl was fantasizing, but it should have been obvious a lot sooner. And as soon as the sirens went off, I completely lost the story. If 'confusion' was the effect you were going for, good job. If you were trying to describe a series of events, not so much success. I can see some neat stuff coming from you, but you're going to need to nail down events first. Nice job.

-I