Sci-fi (Star Wars) story feedback

[trigkerrik]

Just wondering if anyone had time to read and give feedback on a recent sci-fi posting. My first here, but not the first story I've written. Thanks for any comments, good or bad.

FYI this story is meant to be a little more...fleshy...than others I've written/read. Story is a little long so I attached the txt instead of posting it. Virus free according to my scanner. Thanks.

TrigKerrik

 

[BlackShanglan]

I enjoyed it. The sex was hot and the characterization was good, enough to be interesting without distracting from a story that seems intentionally focused mostly on the sex. I liked the little glimpses of humor and personality in the voicing and narration, and you managed the tricky task of introducing several characters without cluttering up the story with pages of needless backstory. Very neatly handled.

My one chief complaint is a personal bugaboo, so take it with a grain of salt. I find statistical descriptions fairly unsexy and not very useful. The points at which we're getting bra sizes and inch sizes were more distracting than erotic for me, especially in the scene where I keep getting measurements of how long Atton's cock is and how much, progressively, is being swallowed. I think there are more evocative ways to describe that.

That aside, I think you did a good job with this. I felt the cramped quarters of the ship and the uncertain frission between the crewmates, and I look forward to more.

Shanglan

 

[trigkerrik]

Great review Shanglan, I appreciate the positive reinforcement. Am editing to reduce overdescriptions that distract from the story as we speak. I almost felt the same myself, but it's better to have a second opinion.

I'll try to find enough time to comment through a few of yours, I really appreciate the feedback.

Anybody else?

TrigKerrik

 

[BlackShanglan]

Great review Shanglan, I appreciate the positive reinforcement. Am editing to reduce overdescriptions that distract from the story as we speak. I almost felt the same myself, but it's better to have a second opinion.

I'll try to find enough time to comment through a few of yours, I really appreciate the feedback.

Anybody else?

TrigKerrik

I am happy to be of use, and most grateful for the offer of a read-through on something of mine. I would very much appreciate that. Links are in the sig.

Shanglan

 

[Bloke678]

Very good. I'd like to see Visas and the Handmaiden entering at some point, though - perhaps in another chapter?

A great story, though. Nice and hot.

 

[Kettle Corn]

Just wondering if anyone had time to read and give feedback on a recent sci-fi posting. My first here, but not the first story I've written. Thanks for any comments, good or bad.

FYI this story is meant to be a little more...fleshy...than others I've written/read. Story is a little long so I attached the txt instead of posting it. Virus free according to my scanner. Thanks.

TrigKerrik

Love it, especially since I played the game and wanted to bang the handmaiden. Yes I know, pathetic for a 33 year old guy to play videogames but

 

[Fire22]

Have you submitted it to Literotica yet?
If not...you should.

 

[thoros]

you need to write more in order for me to decide...

as a diehard star wars fan, this short interlude left me somewhat disappointed.
I do not know if you intended to write "sci-fi", but if you did, then this does not quite cut it. There needs to be more story (especially for a star wars novelette).

I eagerly await more.
Something about this makes me think i should pick up the game...

 

[Bloke678]

You could call Mira the 'Lara Croft' of Star Wars games, just with smaller tits, but the same amount of attitude.

I was definately not disappointed by the story.

 

[MechaBlade]

That story was fucking hot. You are a good writer. I didn't know the characters because I haven't played Knights of the Republic II, but your descriptions and backstories made me feel quite familiar with them.

 

[trigkerrik]

Wow, thanks...

I have submitted this chapter already...it is my first literotica submission, although I've written several stories before. I have one more chapter done and two more in the works. For everybody else who is wondering where the rest of the cast is, they will appear.

Thoros: I know I didn't do a great job with the background of the story. I suppose I wrote it for people who have played the game...but that isn't a good strategy for writing a decent novel, I realize. I will work on this, maybe I can write a prologue to help introduce the story a bit. BTW I definitely recommend the game. It has none of what I wrote in it, but you can't help wondering what would happen if...

A little foreshadowing: the next chapter is primarily concerned with Visas, a naturally blind force adept. Also to be included is a chapter that brings in Breanna (the handmaiden, for those of you who never got her to tell you her name), and HK-47 (assassin droid, for those of you who never found all of his parts in the game). I'll get the next chapter posted asap, probably tonight, on both my account and in this thread.

I really appreciate the feedback, I have changed a few things in another revision of the first chapter already, due to shanglan's comments. Hope you all enjoy this.

TrigKerrik

 

[trigkerrik]

Chapter 2

Alright, here is the second chapter. It was definitely harder to write, and I'd certainly appreciate any (positive or negative) feedback. I expect more negative critiques for this one but then again, who knows?

More chapters will most likely follow...I don't know how many of them will deal with Visas just because of how hard it was to give her sight through others.

TrigKerrik

 

[Bloke678]

Very nice! can't wait for the next part.

A great way to, sort of, re-tell an already brilliant story, but get some more sexy stuff in too.

10/10!

 

[BareBackRider2]

Dude I loved the story.

I am a Star Wars fan but have not played the game in question so I was not familiur with the characters.....

ALSO I do not usually mix erotica with Sci Fi.. liking each as a seperate pass time....

However your stories scenario did not require deep character knowledge and brought the 2 story types together. The idea of long space flights, cramped ships etc etc. It leads to where you took the scenario and I liked the way you did it.

I think perhaps you made things a little too easy for the male...... i would have liked to see more denial and resistance before the couple actually played things out.

I am also not usually into Chapter stories, prefering a quick "fix" when I visit Lit....

However, the way you have given hints that some one else opn the ship was moving around and the story is about to get more interesting was done really well. FOr once, I can't wait for a "chapter 2".

Please EMAIL ME when you have done Chap2 and want more feedback

GREAT STUFF.

EDIT: Just found the 2nd chapter LOL. Downloading now. I think i have some weekend reading

 

[prettylicious]

can't wait to watch that movie......

 

[trigkerrik]

Thanks for the suggestion...

Upon reviewing the first chapter it does seem a little too unnatural that Mira just immediately goes after Atton...it would be more realistic if she tried playing innocent, then got embarrassed, and finally decided to fuck him. I will try to rewrite that.

Chapter 3 will involve Mira and Daynn (barely started that one) and Chapter 4 will bring what I know most of the game fans want: the handmaiden! (Or at least everybody I know who played the game wanted her as soon as they saw her). I've already started a good bit of that part, so expect that sometime soon.

I may need to replay part of the game for some inspiration...keep checking back and I will try to get another chapter up soon. Like I said, all suggestions are appreciated. Once I get a full set of chapters done I will probably repost the entire edited story.

TrigKerrik

 

[BareBackRider2]

Dude couldnt wait to read chapter 2 and so read it at work LOL.

AWSOME!!!!

At first I was like "What? Shes blind?" but then I got into it. Loved the way she used the force to bring the others together and that gives explanation as to why they were both so willing (so no dont change Chap1), and adds extra erotacism coz in a way, they were forced into the act. (or at least prodded).

Cant wait for Chap3.

Also, have you thought of doing anything, or know of any stories that have used Main stream SW characters?

Would love to read this kinda stuff with the known names

Keep it up. LOVE IT!!!

PS: At the very least... you've inspired me to try the game Although I think I want SW Battle Field 1st

 

[trigkerrik]

True...

The second chapter does provide the catalyst for the first chapter...still might make Mira appear a little more reluctant until Visas plants the idea in her mind.

If you use the search there are some SW stories on literotica but I haven't done any with mainstream characters. Not sure if I would either, they're already too developed. That's why I liked using the video game characters, they are a lot easier to mold in terms of personality.

BTW I never tried battlefield b/c I heard it was just an unreal clone. Seriously, you can't go wrong with KOTOR (I or/and II).

Fourth chapter to be posted here very soon...third chapter will probably be written after fourth is done.

TrigKerrik

 

[BareBackRider2]

No not an Unreal Clone. Trust me, ive been with Unreal Tournament since the original Unreal Multiplayer.

What BF is is more like squad based objective play, taking the roles of either side in HUGE battles from whole SW universe, inlcuding the original trilogy, the new films, and I think some battles in between. Working as a whole army, using vechles and ships and everything.

The thing that maybe peope refer to as being like UT, is that there is no "story" it is just battles.

My style at the moment But yeah, not everyones cup of tea.

Would quite like to try SW Galaxies too, as thats a SW MMORPG where you form your own character within the universe. Looks and sounds awsome. Shame the player/character interaction wasn't designed by some one with your style Would make for an interesting adult game lol. Something tells me Uncle George would not be happy though LOL.

Keep up the good work. Im eagerly awaiting chap3.

AH..... yes where can I find screen shots of the characters you are using? I did a google image search but as i dont know much about the game, I couldn't find much.

Thanks.

 

[trigkerrik]

Swkor4

If you are interested in the "official" visuals of the characters I am writing about, check the Lucasarts website under the video games "Knights of the Old Republic" and "Knights of the Old Republic II."

Anyhow, I have been extremely busy (at least that is my excuse) so I've only now gotten the fourth chapter done. The third involves Mira and Daynn (as implied by the first two chapters) and will be next. I'm writing them out of order just because it seemed easier...

Any comments are welcome as I would like to hear how this excited you, or how you think it could be improved. I offer a thanks in advance for any input, and I will certainly return the favor on anyone else's stories.

TrigKerrik

 

[trigkerrik]

Craptacular...

For whatever reason it does not want to let me attach a text file. Here is the fourth chapter:

Had Visas known of Daynn's failure to correctly interpret what Mira had been offering him, she would have silently communicated to him the true nature of his situation, instead of leaving him to his own devices. However, she had become more single-minded upon seeing the action taking place within the barren and dusky cargo hold.

As the door had slid open, Visas had shared Atton's view of Breanna, the teenage Echani handmaiden, lying on her back on top of a large cubic metal crate. She was gripping the backs of her thighs, holding her legs back and apart for easier access. Before she had even turned her head to look over at the pair of intruders, Atton had taken in the surprising scene.

HK-47 stood in front of Breanna's vulnerable body, his metal forearms sporting two very unusual attachments. One was moving in and out of the handmaiden's vaginal opening at a frustratingly slow pace as the other hung dormant. Breanna's white-blonde hair, which she had not cut since leaving the Telos academy, hung off of the other side of the rectangular crate, and with each stroke of the droid's mechanical dildo, she let out a gasp-shriek which betrayed her pleasure. Visas could feel Atton's lust returning fully at the sight of the young woman. She knew that she too was turned on by this fucking machine, as her nipples stiffened to poke teasingly into her bodydress. Atton's gaze revealed to her that Breanna's were similarly excited, perfectly capping off her small, firm breasts.

HK-47 did notice the opening of the door, but was programmed to only take into account other openings at the moment - namely, any of Breanna's which were available to be filled. Breanna, letting herself be impaled by the modified assasin droid, took a few seconds longer to fully account for the intrusion.

"Ohhh...ah! Ohhhh...ah!" she shrieked out as the mechanical onslaught continued. Finally noticing the shadows cast by Atton's frame in the doorway, she ordered the droid to stop, using a quick vocal command. The droid ceased "thrusting" as the long, thin dildo was almost fully withdrawn. The young vixen slid away from it quickly, leaving the droid frozen in the same position as the improvised attachment dripped slowly over the hard surface of the crate. Swinging her lithe legs over the side, she sat on the edge of the crate, disregarding her urge to cover herself. After all, Atton was nude, and she had never seen this much of Visas' flesh. Had they been...? she thought to herself, not believing it. Visas was close to nobody, and never wore anything to show off her figure. Breanna could see that she was aroused by the current situation, and could feel prickly goosebumps on her own areola in response to the cooler temperature in the hold.

"Glad to see that you found some of your own stress relief," Atton said casually, stepping into the large room.

"Ummm...well, I just..." Breanna stuttered, now covering herself, staring at Atton's again-stiff cock. Visas found her way to the side of the inexperienced Echani, grasping her shoulder softly. She could feel Breanna's apprehension as the Echani mind-shielding techniques the teen had been using faded away under close contact.

"Calm now," Visas urged in response to the younger woman's nervousness. "Relax..." Her voice faded as she experienced the view through Breanna's eyes, still locked on Atton's member. As Atton came closer, and Breanna's eyes did not move, Visas was overcome with need. She stepped to his side just as he came within Breanna's reach. As the young woman reached out for his girth, Visas pressed her body against him, her full breasts mashed around his muscular bicep, with the thin material of her bodydress seperating their flesh. Her lusting touch found his body fulfilling as Breanna began to slide her hand down the tempting length in front of her.

The teenager's actions were lost upon Visas as she locked in on Atton's consciousness, searching for his needs and working to satisfy her own. As she ground her crotch against his rock-hard quad with her legs spread slightly, the short dress rode up her from her mid-thighs to allow flesh-on-flesh contact between them. Her hands roved around his chest and flexed abs, only now noticing Breanna's mouth slipping around the head of his cock. She was unable to take much more, yet Visas knew Atton had much more to give.

Atton, slightly frustrated at Breanna's inability to swallow much of his length, reevaluated the situation. The warmth of Visas' cunt drew his attention, and his hand. Roughly sliding his forearm down between her abdomen and his thigh, he groped at her pussy, letting her grind her clit on his palm as he slid a finger in between the thick vaginal lips. He could feel her trimmed bush brush his arm as he began to tease a circle around the hood of her clitoris. Visas responded by backing away from Atton to sit beside Breanna on the shipping crate; while she didn't reject his touch, she was obviously not comfortable with letting him be in control.

Realizing the opportunity of the situation, mostly due to a slight mental nudge from Visas, Atton withdrew from Breanna's mouth, feeling her luscious lips slide around his cockhead as he did so. Stepping sideways to stand in front of and between the lovely pair on the crate, he groaned as both women leaned forward to resume their work. Visas slid a hand down to the base of his dick, squeezing a tight circle around it with her thumb and forefinger. As Breanna tongued the side of the swollen meat, Visas used her grip to rub the cock down the younger woman's cheek, beating Atton off on her face.

As Visas knew from Breanna's thoughts, being used like this only made her more horny. Breanna's groping hands began to squeeze Atton's ass as his cock slapped against her fair complexion. Atton, ready to sample each of the beauties in front of him, stepped back.

"Who wants to be first?" he asked, letting his gaze drop to Visas' covered tits purposefully. Visas, however, knew what she wanted and answered him by scooting sideways on the crate, away from the engorged impaler. Shrugging, Atton looked instead at Breanna, letting his view trail down from her innocent blue eyes to her stiff nipples, and then down to the v made by her legs as the dangled over the side of the crate. Not needing any prodding in her current situation, Breanna laid back on the crate, and drew herself into the same position that she had been in when HK-47's mechanical fucking had been interrupted. Seeing Breanna's hands hold her thighs back and open for him reminded Atton of this, and he envied the droid slightly - although he wasn't going to complain now that she was leaving herself vulnerable to him.

Visas watched through both minds simultaneously as Atton positioned himself at the thin lips of the young handmaiden's still-dripping pussy. Reflexively, she laid back in almost an exact parody of Breanna, spreading her legs, drawing up the short bodydress, and finding her own warm cunt with two fingers. Slowly teasing herself, she could feel Atton part Breanna's outer lips and slowly but surely slide into her depth. Time seemed to all come together as the fucking became more and more frenzied, Atton teasing Breanna's earlobes as he thrust in and out. Soon enough, the same gasp-shriek was being emitted at a high frequency, as Breanna responded to Atton's efforts. She began to curse in Echani, shaking violently as her orgasm approached.
Visas, knowing what was coming, began to control Atton's pace. Finally, seeing that Breanna was unable to contain her bursting pleasure, Atton slammed his girth into her one last time, setting her off. As he withdrew, she began to shake, almost violently, digging her nails into the back of her legs as she came with an incredible pressurized squirt of milky liquid, soaking Atton's cock and anything else in close proximity. Her shrieks reached a piercing scream of ecstasy as her initial cum-squirt was followed by several more. The liquid dripped down Atton's tensed abs and dripped off of the side of the metal crate. Finally, fully sated, Breanna seemed to collapse back against the hard surface, breathing heavily.

Visas could feel that Atton was not done, but knew also that Breanna would not be able to finish him in her current condition. Sitting up and quickly standing, she stepped to his side. He was still preoccupied with the explosive orgasm that Breanna had experienced, and was slowly sliding a clenched fist up and down his well-lubed equipment. Nudging him mentally, Visas drew his attention to her. She reached down and, crossing her arms, took the sides of the hem of her short dress. In one fluid motion, she drew the garment up and over her head, tossing it aside. As the tight material rolled up over her chest, her large breasts shook free, giving Atton two more very good reasons to continue jerking off. His body seemed frozen as he stared at her chest, although the motion of his hand continued unabated.

Visas stepped intentionally between Atton and Breanna, facing the still-motionless handmaiden. Climbing up onto the crate in between Breanna's legs, Visas knelt forward over her prone body, her hanging tits brushing the erect nipples below them. Again deigning to urge Atton through his mind instead of vocally, she drew his view to the twin-globes of her ass cheeks, and to the small, tight hole in between them. Needing no further cause, Atton stepped forward, drawing a finger through the juices that Breanna had orgasmically squirted onto his abdomen. Grabbing an ass cheek in one hand, he poised the finger at Visas' anal sphincter. Slowly, he inserted it, using the friction-reducing juices to lubricate the first inch or two of her rectum.

Visas' moaned softly as Atton penetrated her tight asshole. Breanna, finally coming around to the real world, realized that her arms were inside of Visas' own four-legged stance. Had Visas been coherent enough beyond the long-waited for anal pleasure, she would most likely have nudged the teen into action, bringing a finger to her pussy to accompany Atton as he fingerfucked her tight brown hole. Breanna, ignorant of Visas' telepathic abilities, reached down anyway, eager to deliver the same kind of pleasure that she had just received.

Her eager finger found Visas' wet pussy as Atton, having withdrawn his finger from her tight rectal space, spread her asscheeks with the tip of his cock, pressing hard against her barely loosened sphincter. Visas' moaning increased in volume as he attempted to penetrate her tight anal ring. Aided by Breanna's cum juices, still splattered all over his meat and Visas' asshole, he finally popped through, feeling her reflexive contraction around the base of his circumcised cockhead. Visas, trying to encourage him, arched her back even more, raising her ass to a better penetration angle.

Slowly but surely, Atton pressed forward, enjoying the sight of Visas' voluptuous ass cheeks. As he bottomed out in her rectum, bumping pelvically against her pale flesh, she shuddered as if she were coming, although he didn't think that was the case quite yet. Below the fornicating couple, Breanna alternated between playing with Atton's balls, cupping them in her hand, and sliding through Visas' fleshy, damp pussy lips to tease her clitoris. As she did so, she could not help but notice Visas' tits, which were brushing against her own as she was fucked from behind.

Visas, meanwhile, concentrated on taking the rather large cock up her anal canal. To do this, rather than relaxing herself so that she was not trying to squeeze through the invading, blood-filled flesh, she concentrated on raising her internal body temperature using Miralukan techniques designed to assist in cold-weather survival. In this situation, however, her temperature change only produced an oily sweat which, using the same techniques, she caused to primarily emerge where it was most needed. This natural lubricant allowed Atton's dick to slide in and out with ease, despite Visas' reflexive muscular need to squeeze closed her stretched sphincter. All of this effort resulted in the tightest grip that Atton had ever felt around his cock, without any additional pain for Visas as the pace of his pumping increased.

In fact, Visas experienced no pain at all, instead gaining infinite amounts of pleasure from Atton's enjoyment of her shithole stretched around him. Knowing that he would not last much longer with her increased tightness, Visas began to pump back against him, wanting to experience her own orgasm first. She could feel her fleshy rectal walls massage the full length of his cock as he took long strokes in and out of her ass. Below her, Breanna began to directly stimulate Visas' clit with random, circular motions that caused Visas to moan loudly with pleasure. Subconsciously, Visas encouraged the teen to apply more pressure as she approached the edge of pleasure. Again she began to shudder, still ramming herself back onto Atton, as waves of ectsasy overcame her. Breanna, as if she knew exactly what to do, used three stiff fingers in a circular waxing motion over and around the upper part of Visas' now-soaked cunt. Visas, in response to both of her lovers, began to moan rhythmically, finally experiencing the true orgasm she had needed. Unlike Breanna's explosive finish, Visas rode the pleasure in a more constant fashion, enjoying both her own sensations and Atton's. Breanna, noticing Visas' finish, ceased her frenzied cunt-rub, satisfied with her own ability to cause pleasure.

Finally sated, and fully cognicent of Atton's impending finish, Visas again took control. Slowing Atton down, she finally began to wriggle forward off of him. As the large cock slid back out of her, her stretched asshole popped around the cockhead and nearly closed back to it's previous tightness, leaving only a small, sweat-dripping hole. As Atton stepped back, again rapidly fisting his prick over the two naked beauties in front of him, Visas rolled over onto her back beside Breanna. Briefly squeezing the young girl's hand in her own, she leaned over for a quick thank-you peck, which Breanna turned into a longer, tongue-intertwining kiss. As the broke away from each other, Atton's still-present need became very evident, as his hand became a blur of motion in front of them. Getting up, Visas and Breanna again sat beside each other in front of Atton.

This time, however, it was Visas who leaned forward to relieve Atton's fist. With her hand around the base of his cock, she began to expertly swallow the swollen organ which had just a minute ago been deep in her bowels. After just a few seconds of deep throating it was obvious that if she did not stop, she would have to swallow a large load of cum. Although this did not exactly bother her, Visas knew that Atton would rather cum on both women's faces, as he had with Mira, and that she would enjoy it more that way as well. Drawing her lips back off of him, she swung her legs up onto the crate, kneeling beside Breanna with her breasts nearly in her face. Breanna turned slightly to the side and began to suck on Visas' nipple as Visas squeezed her tits together, creating a canyon of cleavage for Atton to explode onto.

Moving close, Atton wordlessly began to masturbate faster, lubed by Visas' ass juices and saliva as the handmaiden teased Visas' nipple with her tongue in front of him. Visas tossed her head back out of the way as she felt Atton clench his muscles and come. Had she not moved, his first shot of white fuck-cream would have hit the side of her face. Instead, it laced across both of her breasts, splattering onto Breanna's face as she looked up. Incredibly, Atton shot four more long shots, although these were directed at the young Echani as an expression of his own perverse enjoyment of the domination inherent in seeing his cum on another woman's face. Most of the semen splattered in her white hair, although the sheer amount of cum left plenty on the young woman's forehead, cheeks, and outstretched tongue. Again, Visas intervened, shielding Breanna's eyes as she had for Mira. Atton finished by squeezing the rest of his load out onto her shoulders and chest, and then relaxing his grip as the cum-covered girl leaned forward to clean the tip of his cock, seemingly oblivious to the combination of fluids on it.

Visas began to massage the cum into Breanna's breasts as it dripped and pooled on the small mounds. Keeping the juices from Atton's cock in her mouth, Breanna broke off her cleaning, looking over at the Miraluka. Visas leaned down, kissing her freely, tasting the products of their erotic romp. Atton, obviously relaxed by the kinky, uninhibited fucking, sat on a nearby crate, enjoying the pornographic imagery provided by the two women.

"I don't mean to interrupt," he started, and then stopped as the two broke from each other to look at him. Clearing his throat, he continued, "but maybe we should see if Mira and Daynn..." Trailing off, his point was still obvious.

"Why don't we give them a little time?" Visas suggested, now consciously aware of the fact that the other two needed no interruption at the moment. "We all need to clean up, regardless...maybe Breanna and I will go use the 'fresher." Breanna, although she appeared innocent, was still covered in cum.

"I think that would be a good idea," Breanna giggled. She reached out to swipe her finger through the white streak across Visas' tits, sucking it off of her finger suggestively. Able to interpret her meaning without the Force, Visas directed her next comment at Atton.

"Why don't you go check on the ship...you are supposed to be the pilot, right?" she said lightly, with just a hint of playfulness. "Then we can check on the other two once we're...done...cleaning up." Breanna's glance over at Visas betrayed her real meaning to Atton, who decided that this wouldn't be a problem. Giving his assent, he watched as the pair of Force adepts got up and walked, intentionally, through his field of view. Although they had meant to tease him with the swaying of their hips, his focus was on the sticky fluids dripping down Breanna's inner thighs and between Visas' ass cheeks.

As they left the hold, he looked over, seeing HK-47 standing dormant by the crate, the dildo attachment still poised as it was when Breanna had stopped his mechanical onslaught. Inspiration struck him at the sight. He got up and walked over to the droid, activating him with a vocal command. "HK-47, I need you to download your visual records of the last week to the ship's main computer. Sort them according to which crew members were present at the time of the recording." After receiving an affirmitive from the droid, Atton strode out, still nude, toward the cockpit.

At least he would have a little entertainment while he waited for the others...