Scattered Pieces : The Poems of Rebellious_Sub

[Rebellious_Sub]

Ok, I want to share my works here, and I do not mind critiquing, or any kind of comments at all.. please feel free to post what you wish about any of my works. Will post only a few at a time however...

Some are dark, well most are dark and deal with depression... so..well if you are easily hurt/disturbed, please either be sure to be in a safe place first or just don't read them.. Take care all...

~Rebellious_Sub


~~~~~~~~~

untitled

Blinded trust
And devotion,
Lead to displaced
Emotion.
Which in turn
Revolves in circles
Causing
Serious commotion.

Regardless of the meaning,
The anguish
Keeps repeating.
And the victim's cries
Are fleeting.
Falling on deaf ears.

All feeling now retreating
As your body
Takes a beating,
Yet your heart
Takes the bruising
Of the lastest abuser's strike.

Leaving behind all that's real
Until I can no longer feel
And my life it surely seals
With the slicing of a vein.

~Rebellious_Sub


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Goodbye

All the beauty
Of the night,
Forsakes me
Giving me no light.
No strength to go
Or even show
The tears and pain
Through all the rain
Corrupt and rust
My mind insane.
Leave me to thoughts
Best left unsaid,
And actions better
Left unread.
No hope or ambition
For better days.
Goodbye to you,
We're parting ways.


~Rebellious_Sub

 

[Liar]

Well, hi. And welcome to the forum. If you stick around, you might find a bunch of us weirdos quite entertaining.

I haven't really examined your poems, but it looks like you have a good grasp of the language's rhythm and prosodies, which is always a good thing. And the poems are very well disposed, leading from introductions to conclusions in just the right pace. What I think you need though, is to look over your poems and ask "How do I make this more effective in connecting with a reader?". As it reads now, they both inform me of a mood, but they don't put me in that mood. There are many strategies to achieve that. One that you could try is the so called synecdoche (it's Greek, don't ask me what it means ) a literary device in which you describe details in the scenery that can represent the bigger picture, use it to help me paint the scenery of what happens. I recently read a book with the line "She sat up straight and smiled confidently, but ash grey fingertips and sore cuticles gave her away." And it did, I didn't have to be told that she was nervous, stressed ans axious. Because her fingertips said enough. And it save me a sense of being there in the room, of having seen it myself.

Two little questions for now: First, is there a reason why you start every line with a capital letter? I know some poets do, even big and accomplished ones, but to me it always looks weird. Just curious if you have given it a thought or just repeated how you've seen others write.

Second, in Goodbye you write "actions better left unread". Is that a logic saying? You read books, and you do actions. No?

Well, that's it, take it as yu wish. And again, welcome.

 

[Rebellious_Sub]

Thank you Liar for some feedback. I am always amazed at the types of things other writers, readers and critics have to say, or think about a particular piece.

First, to answer your first question, do I always start each new line with a capital letter, and if that is something that I "copied", the answer is yes, I do start each line with a capital letter, but not because I "copied" it from another writer. In fact, when I was taking a creative writing course, the instructor insisted that all poems begin each new line with a capital letter. I hold onto such statements as truths, although I have seen quite a few poets who do not do this. I, for the most part, keep with what I was told. *must be the sub in me... * But either way, that is how it is for my own works.

The second question, is rather a little difficult to answer, but I will explain as best I can. "actions better left unread" was me, the author speaking to the person to whom I was orginally addressing this poem... meaning, in full sentence form, "The actions, to which I am refering to, (suicide as it may be) I am not willing to discuss openly within the confines of this poem.." Does it make more sense now? I am actually not trying either to seek sympathy here, as I am simply stating what I meant at the time of creating the work.. so please do not hold that as an attention seeking whatever its called on these boards. I am really simply trying to improve my own writing skills here, and even maybe just EXPRESSING feelings, because there is healing in sharing...

I do appreciate the comments too Liar, and I also am lurking around, reading through works, a lot of fine talent on this board! Thanks for stopping into this thread, and for the welcome.


~~~~~~~~~~~

Fall from Grace


Alone within,
Alone without.
It doesn't matter.
Filled with doubt.

Forget all this pain.
Forget all that good.
The hoping the planning,
Still misunderstood.

No more can I think
That life will ever be
A place of enjoyment
I will never be free.

Locked within myself,
No more will I face
The entirity of living,
I've fallen from grace.

~Rebellious_Sub

untitled


Forgotten depictions
From long ago times.
Echos from the past,
Reliving old crimes.

The heart does break,
The tears freely flow.
What images are these?
Do I really want to know?

A courtship of pain.
Why did this have to be?
Alone with no release
Won't you please set me free?

What do I wish
For my life to be?
My only true wish
Is for you to love me.

~Rebellious_Sub

 

[Rebellious_Sub]

Ok, here's for today's entry into my thread...

Living

Each moment of existance,
Was a trial in resistance,
As my mind closed the distance
On a memory's inner rage.

Shattered images fall together,
Within the mind's stormy weather,
The present is sanity's tether
Against the past's useless cage.

Pushing inner torment aside,
No need to anymore hide,
As my pain slowly subsides
And my life to re-engage.

Finally finding inner meaning,
All thoughts with purpose convening,
Upon a future less demeaning
And with hope turn life's page.

~Rebellious_Sub

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Words

Desperation
Isolation
Leading to
Such aggravation.

Confrontation,
Accusation,
Adding fire to
Frustration.

Contemplation,
Devestation
Of my final
Retaliation.

~Rebellious_Sub

 

[Rebellious_Sub]

ohhh I have a *naughty* poem..

Ok, I wrote this piece (lol) with a german friend who made a comment offhandedly that Latte in street german meant hardon.. so here I go.. my dirty little piece.. enjoy.. *sips coffee from a cup labled "LATTE" in big bold letters, smiling* ...

Ode to Latte


Everytime you want to wank,
Think of me and what I drank.
Oh so stiff, a long hard shaft,
My wicked tongue and a newfound craft.
Wantonly lapping the head in pleasure,
I open my mouth to receive you treasure.
Sucking rhythmatically, a steamy beat,
Faster and deeper, your thrusts I meet.
A whore-ish invitation to cum inside,
A final thrust and, "YES", you cried.
Swallowing your cream, in ecstasy I think,
"Latte, Latte- the world's finest drink!"

~Rebellious_Sub

 

[Rebellious_Sub]

Trigger warning for anyone who is depressed... careful..

Failure

The cold encircles me,
Taking away all feeling.
I wish for this numbness,
For the reprieve from pain.
Staring into the darkness,
I form a plan to end it.
The pain is edging its way back,
And I will not allow it again.
No more will this thing
Over take me.
I can defeat it myself.
With this blade,
In this moment.
Nothing else matters.
No one will stop me.
I need no one.
Victory, I can taste it
I can feel it as I pull
This blade across
Tender skin.
Deeper.
I must be sure this time
I must be precise.
No more mistakes.
Cutting, quickly
Spoiling the shiney blade
With my filthy blood,
Staining everything I touch.
Praying for an end,
But I can't even do this
One thing right.
Failure
again.

~Rebellious_Sub

Rage

Forgotten,
This is a...
Homecoming?
I should be....
Grateful
To still be alive.
Why?
I do not understand
The purpose
To which
You have "saved" me.
What exactly
Do you wish
To "save" me for?
For more days of
Unbearable memories?
For more nights
Of unspeakable terrors?
Please,
If you want to "save" me,
Please...
Let me die.

~Rebellious_Sub

 

[Rebellious_Sub]

My Disgrace

Darkness
Take me!
I am ready
To go!

No more
Command over
Mind and soul.

Desist this
Torment!
Grievous despair!

Too much
Anguish
For one heart
To bare.

Graphically painted
Upon a
Bloodied face.

Bound...
...Broken...
..... .... Unspoken...

Disgrace!
...Disgrace!!...
.... ...DISGRACE!!!

I will speak
The words no one
Will hear.

Within these words
Reside many a tear
And plenty to fear...
He...
....Raped....
.... .... Me.


~Rebellious_Sub

Alone

Raging,
Aching,
Hurting.
What other ways
Can I express
The pain I feel,
The loneliness
Imprisons me.
Watching,
Waiting...
....alone.
Realizing I
Want
To be
Alone.
I need
This solitude.
Makes it easier
In the end.

~Rebellious_Sub