Scathing one liners....

[MissTaken]

I have noticed some very talented, articulate and pissed off people lately. How I wish I could tell someone to "Fuck off" as well as some of you do.

So, here is a thread (for educational purposes only) where we can share different ways to express those negative feelings.

Please, no flaming and no arguments. Let's just have fun!

Funny is good as well!

Since I am lousy at this, I will start with a couple of cliches:

"May the fleas from a thousand camels bit your ass!"

"Your mamma wore combat boots!"

from a nasty professional point of view:

"I have time for only one problem today, and yours isn't it!"

 

[naudiz]

"You couldn't top whipped cream if you were a cherry." (The not so delicate way to point out where your paramour may be lacking in the BDSM department.)

"Here is a list of people who care about your problem!" *pointed silence follows*

"You're just mad because someone dropped a house on your sister."

"Weapon's grade stupidity." (To describe dangerous levels of idiocy.)

"Allow me to address you concerns with the proper respect they deserve." *thoughtful pause* "Shut the fuck up."

"Aw, he thinks he's people!" (Or she, I'm an equal opportunity insulter.)

 

[Mischka]

You are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I could eat alphabet soup and shit a better post than you wrote.

 

[naudiz]

Ah, I see it's time to play Explain The Blatantly Obvious to the Fucktard.

 

[Silverlily]

Did your mother raise you to be stupid or is it just a hobby?

Ah, I see you did pay attention in preschool. Thank god for something.

Btw, not only does my kids' mother wear combat boots, she can park them so far up someone's ass, they could suck her toes without bending over.

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

My bits...

Stay with me, I want to be alone.

You would make a lovely corpse.

You seem to have delusions of adequecy.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation will not cure.

I am so sorry about your illness, lets hope it is nothing trivial.

Do you still love Mother Nature in spite of all that she has done to you?

I'd like to rock you to sleep- with big ones.

What's on your mind? if you'll please excuse the exaggeration...

I don't know what I'd do without you, but I'd like to try.

You could make a good living renting yourself out to scare people with hiccups.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Did you plan this bit of spontanaity yesterday?

Are your parents siblings?

Converse with any plankton lately?

For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

You are the first in your family born without a tail.

I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

And my personal favorite...
"I'm so sorry. Did your parents lose a bet with God?"

 

[MissTaken]

Fucktard! I love that word!


Where is Miles, by the way? He seems to use it often and well!



Another one:

<How is your concussion after that thorough ass kicking?>

 

[Kymberley]

And your whining ass opinion would mean what to me?

Go home, your village is missing their idiot.

So many things matter more to me than you, so be gone.

Just how long can you hold your breath? Here, let me use the pillow just to make sure you don't cheat.

If the world really did revolve around you, we would have already nuked it.

So let me get this straight, you want me to pay attention to you? And this will benefit me how?

So just what did you for fun before you found out about masturbation?

Some things never cease to amaze me, you are not one of them though.

So, if you were to disappear tomorrow, do you really think anyone would notice?

The only thing that would make this place better, is you being somewhere else.

Eeeek! It speaks!

If you don't put that thing away, I am going to tell your mommy what you are doing with it, and then she will know why the dog ran away.

 

[MissTaken]

~Vigorously taking notes!~

 

[Kymberley]

*forces the secretary into cyber space to help MissTaken*


"Damnit, stop kicking, she needs someone to take notes so she can continue playing other games."


You just can't find good help these days.

 

[naudiz]

Ah! I see our lowest common demoninator has arrived.

If anyone could disprove the "survival of the fittest" theory, it'd be you.

Don't be sad. Some day, I'm sure you'll meet some desperate, blind dumbass who will love you just the way you are.


I'll take note of any others that come up. Usually, have to be in the 'moment' to fire off a really good zinger.

 

[Ask For More]

Are you an experiment in artificial stupidity?

Apparently this is an Oz phrase:

Why don't you stick your dick in your ear and fuck some sense into yourself?

 

[Bubblegum *sugarless*]

"Does this hurt??" (While you are thumping the side of your head.)

One I've never used (I find it kind of cruel), but my friend uses it without shame...calling someone Helen...as in Helen Keller and snapping your fingers in their face at the same time.

The ever popular - You are the weakest link!

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'm not one for one-liners, but here's my favorite:

"Your momma sells Amway products!"

 

[Kymberley]

You can never fight a battle of wits with an unarmed soldier.

 

[MissTaken]

Now here is a silly one, but works:


"If you had half a brain, it would be lonely."


Then, when talking about a mass of idiots:

I refer to them as "sharing the same brain."


Generally, when I am really pissed, I make no sense, stutter for five seconds and then, blurt out

"Fuck you!"

Hopeless! I am simply hopeless!

 

[Kymberley]

Hopeless! I am simply hopeless!

We just happen to love you that way, so don't change. We can defend you when necessary and you can just stutter and then scream FUCK YOU!

We don't mind, really we don't.

 

[MissTaken]

We just happen to love you that way, so don't change. We can defend you when necessary and you can just stutter and then scream FUCK YOU!

We don't mind, really we don't.

You ARE sweet! ~hugs~


And. I sincerely hope I never piss any of you off!

 

[Never]

This is too mean, I need to start another thread to balance things out.

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

More more more

You are one of those people who would be enourmously improved by death.

(on ass kissing) "How do you breathe with your nose up there?"

That can happen to anyone, of course it happens to stupid people first.

 

[Shyjohn]

Tell me. Is your mother still trying to have you aborted?

OR If you look carefully, you can see the marks where his mother prodded him with the coathanger before he was born.

 

[Gilly Bean]

I once told a guy I was arguing with that I refused to argue with inanimate objects. This guy has rarely ever been speechless. Probably only 2 or 3 times that I have seen. That was one of em.

I won that argument!

 

[ExLimey]

Lines from movies but they are sorta funny.

"Only after you eat the peanuts outta my shit!"

"I got chunks of guys like you in my stool"


There are many variations of this next one...

Two sounds. My fist hitting your face and you face hitting the floor

Two sounds... and you crying home to momma.

I sure others can come up with some good ones. We used to have all day contests like this at work.

 

[MissTaken]

This is too mean, I need to start another thread to balance things out.

Good idea!

I have been there, and it is rather fun as well.

 

[CelestialBody]

Some people