Savage Heat or just a Savage?

[wildhate]

I was graciously led the way to this forum to have these questions answered. If you have the time, I would love for you to pick this apart for me, and tell me what the hell is going on..thanks.


There is this man in my life. I need to know what he is doing to me, and why. The following is an excerpt from a previous post on another board.

Please read on:

I think he might be trying to seduce me, and I dont mean just to have sex with him....I mean, I think he is also trying to seduce me to fall in love with him, if that makes any sense.

I think he is trying to put us in sexual situations to where I have no choice but to respond to him sexually

To explain, when I say that I have no choice, I mean that he is forceful with me. Meaning that he will start by kissing me, which I dont respond to, and I will physically try to remove myself from his presence, only he will corner me. At this point, I will respond, as I feel something stirring down there. He will then start to caress me down there and if I try to remove myself from his activity, he will hold me to him strongly, in a way where I cannot move, and continue to slowly finger me. It is obvious that I am turned on, because I am wet. Very wet. He can feel this, and that I think, pushes him not to stop. Actually, he has commented that he knows I am enjoying it, he can feel how wet I am, and how connected and in tune he is to my body, and that it could be alot better if I just stop resisting him and go with it.

The thing about this whole sexual ordeal, is that it is very rare that he implies that he wants me to return the favor, though it is obvious, because his dick is very hard. He just keeps pleasuring me until I either reach completion (or so he thinks) or I talk him out of his sensual assault. I want to continue, but it is so overwhelming, it feels like I am being devoured by him. So I get him to stop somehow.

He tells me he wants to unlock that passion that I keep hiding from him. He says that one day, we will be together, he will make sure that it happens. He requests that I start trusting him, and soon. He keeps trying to draw us closer and closer, and it just seems to me that he is trying to make me fall in love with him.


This was my post, but I failed to mention that he also mentions the word "punishment" alot. If I do something he might not like, he tells me not to cry later, if and when the time comes, and to accept my punishment, and that its going to be so wild and hot.

This phrase "dominant and submissive" is new to me, but could this be what is going on here??

How can I find out if he is one, or if he was like that in the past?? Or am I way off base, and he is just a nut job?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I might be off base here but my feelings from what you describe is that if I were this man I would stop doing anything with you until and only if you decide what you want because it is just this type situation which lands people in court charged with rape, and if I were you, I would stop getting so carried away with the wonder of it all, the fantasy, and decide what you want instead of playing games where you could get hurt or hurt someone else through your mixed messages and confused state.

It might sound harsh, but I get a little cynical when I hear people describing such events and claiming they have no choice, they are not doing anything to invite this unwanted bahaviour which they just think perhaps they might want but they don't know and want us to tell them what they want and what and who he is. Sorry, we don't know either of you from a bar of soap, we don't know how much is truth and how much is fantasy and how much is being left out, and unfortunately most of us think, once you are an adult, if you are going to get into adult sexual situations with others you better know what you want and what you are getting into before involving someone else. You do have a choice, you continue to be with this person who you say in a roundabout way is taking advantage of you sexually...if you don't want it to happen, don't see him or allow him to get you alone, and say a firm 'no'. How does anything we say have any effect on your life and choices?

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I have a serious problem with someone who doesn't stop when I say no, I vote not for savage heat or just a savage but asshole game player.

Fury

 

[wildhate]

Thanks Catalina, however...

Let me clear the confusion right here and now...I would never bring him up on charges of rape. I am fully aware of the underlying fact that I am in a sense, playing with fire. I never said I wasnt doing anything to instigate it, and that he just attacked me out of the blue. I wasnt and will never cry rape. I was just trying to get to heart of the matter.

These incidents only happen when I am alone with him. He has even said to me...more like warned me....not to ever be alone with him, but when I try to stay away (to be clear, the ONLY reason I try to stay away is because I am strongly drawn to him and dont want to let myself go) he always finds a way to put us in contact again. And again, I am drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and he knows this, he knows what to say...

I didnt come on here to play "poor me, he is a big bad man please help"..I came on here to figure out if any of this sounds like someone who was into this type of thing? Of course I am curious. All of my former relationships havent even hinted upon a whole other world outside of the norm...can you blame me? Can you blame me if I am excited and scared at the prospect, and of him, and of letting go, and trusting?

unfortunately most of us think, once you are an adult, if you are going to get into adult sexual situations with others you better know what you want and what you are getting into before involving someone else

Dont you think that is what I am trying to do? Trying to break down the complexities of the situation to find out what the driving force is? Between us, it is I who is being cautious, and he who would never stand for it.

I never said I didnt like it, what he was doing.....In fact, if you read it again, you might even see that I mentioned somewhere along the way that I was extremely wet.

 

[wildhate]

I have a serious problem with someone who doesn't stop when I say no, I vote not for savage heat or just a savage but asshole game player.

Thanks Furryfury.....I dont believe I ever mentioned that I told him to stop...perhaps that would be my error, if my body wasnt so on fire by then.

What about when the only reason you want them to stop is because your body is so hot for it, and you dont want to let go? What if you are scared of the completion, because you dont want someone to have that power over you?

Asshole game player...hmmm..the thought has crossed my mind....why did it cross yours?

 

[papilllon]

Thanks Furryfury.....I dont believe I ever mentioned that I told him to stop...perhaps that would be my error, if my body wasnt so on fire by then.

What about when the only reason you want them to stop is because your body is so hot for it, and you dont want to let go? What if you are scared of the completion, because you dont want someone to have that power over you?

Asshole game player...hmmm..the thought has crossed my mind....why did it cross yours?

If I were you, I’d be very careful around this man.

From what I understand, he hasn’t made it clear what is going on, he doesn’t seem to fully grasp the meaning of the word “no” and it doesn’t seem to bother him that much whether you want his attentions or not. That alone screams red flag to me! Any type of relationship, whatever the flavor, should be consensual. Even if you’re wet, no still means no.

You may have found out that you have a submissive side but I’m far from sure that this man’s motives are in your best interest… If what he’s looking for is D/s, he should IMO be having discussions about this with you way before he pushes you against a wall and starts fingering you.

Papillon

 

[catalina_francisco]

Wetness is not a clear indication of someone liking sexual attention....though it was long used against victims of rape. It is a physiological response which can be the result of fear, panic, excitement (not just the good kind), stress, or sexual excitement. As to you not being a victim of this man, you still make it sound as if you are helpless to stop any alone time with him even after what you term as his warning you. Frankly, if it is all real and you can't stop him, I would just notify the authorities about his stalking you if that is what you say he is basically doing....that is my interpretation of you saying you try to stay away from him but he manages to bring you both in contact with each other at which point he sexually abuses you (that is what it is if you say no and he keeps touching you).. and that is also stalking.

Of course, as you say, you are not sure you don't want it which is why I said you need to make your mind up and go from there, and why I saw it as a classic case of possibly crying rape afterward. You might say you wouldn't, but given you present as someone who doesn't quite know what they want but are ready to say it his doing that you get together, nothing to do with you apart from your not stopping it once it happens, it sounds very much like someone who would afterward perhaps decide they regretted what they did, or were scared by it or their reactions, or hurt and it noticed by someone else and so feel compelled to cry rape afterward. Regardless, I still stand by the thought you are the only person who can know what you want, and if you are unsure of what he is saying, as so often is advised here in such circumstances, you need to ask him what it is he is saying and wanting etc.,.....we have no way of knowing as we do not know him. If we say stay away from him, you have already pointed out you cannot as he won't accept that and your not so sure you want to, so how can we advise you realistically?

As to this being a possible Dominance/submission situation....those relationships are based on consent, not being forced, coerced, or bullied to accept what another wants.

Catalina

 

[wildhate]

he should IMO be having discussions about this with you way before he pushes you against a wall and starts fingering you.

....Yes, that was a bit funny....However, of course it doesnt start out like that...He doesnt just start attacking my puss with wild abandon...these things have a building process of sorts...it starts out with kissing....and then comes the rubbing...then comes the fingering..and by that time I am a confused, quivering, wet mess.

he doesn’t seem to fully grasp the meaning of the word “no”

Yes, but then again....I never said the word no. Perhaps that was my error, if I didnt want to be devoured...but some parts of me dont know when to stop pushing the limits...and yes, if I did push them a little too far, I am prepared to accept the responsibility for my actions.

If what he’s looking for is D/s, he should IMO be having discussions about this

Of course, as with any new developments in relationships, they should always be discussed. But come on now, we all know that at the beginning WAY BEFORE you ever made your BF/GF/Wife/Husband yours, you didnt come right out and lay all of your cards on the table. There is a period of testing, of trusting, watching and waiting before you seal the deal.

We are not in a relationship at this moment. We are close friends. He wants more, alot more, and I am still hesitating.

If what he’s looking for is D/s

What if he doesnt even know that is what he is looking for? This is my question....How did you first come to realize you were dominant? And does his behaviour sound like it?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Maybe you should read these:

BDSM v Abuse

BDSM Abuse

Abuse and BDSM

Catalina

 

[papilllon]

How did you first come to realize you were dominant? And does his behaviour sound like it?

Well, I'm not a Dominant, so I can't help you with that.

He doesn't sound like a Dominant to me, but I'm far from being an expert. Personnally, I would stay away from a man who acts this way but I guess only you can decide what you really want.

Just be careful.

Papillon

 

[myinnerslut]

IMO D/s is based in large part on trust. trust comes from talking with your partner about your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. and from understanding when to stop and how far you can push before someone gets hurt.

your situation doesnt sound like D/s to me, it sounds like a man who knows what he wants and doesnt care how the other person feels. i may be reading this wrong, but this to me seems like a very bad situation to be in.

and to answer your other question about how evryone found out about thier dominant/submissive side, i have known i was submissive since i was about 9 years old, long before it was sexual.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks Furryfury.....I dont believe I ever mentioned that I told him to stop...perhaps that would be my error, if my body wasnt so on fire by then.

What about when the only reason you want them to stop is because your body is so hot for it, and you dont want to let go? What if you are scared of the completion, because you dont want someone to have that power over you?

Asshole game player...hmmm..the thought has crossed my mind....why did it cross yours?

Cause I've dealt with a lot of ass hole game players. I don't like em. I won't put up it anymore. I expect clear conversation about things not games like this. If someone tries to kiss me and I turn my head away that is a no. If they don't take that for an answer and/or open up a conversation but instead push me, that is not okay. D/s for me isn't some magical mystery tour out of a romance novel. It's a wondrous thing that requires my consent and his interest, and that takes open communication.

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

He isn't a Dom.

I am not sure (if it were me) that after the above described situations, I'd even describe this person as a friend.

He's a manipulative asshat, using an assertive, dominating (possibly charming) personality to get what he wants. The original poster appears to be playing her own games, as well.

 

[Tuomas]

I think the two of your are playing a very dangerous game. Your post does not include a lot of details, particularly about how much you are leading him on. I think you really want a D/s relationship, but just can't get yourself to do it (i.e. don't want the responsability of making that kind of decision). I think you have a lot of issues to resolve before you can deal with him.

As for him, well, we aren't getting the whole story, are we? Although he's not exactly using force (I mean, c'mon! "cornering" is not exactly forcing you to do anything), he is showing quite a lack of interest in respecting what you conciously want. That's a bad thing, but, really, how can I say, if you don't tell us exactly what you do to make him act like that

I don't think either of you are being very rational about this, and since I can't actually slap some sense into him, I'll go after you. Straighten your own act out, first.

 

[wildhate]

He's a manipulative asshat,

The original poster appears to be playing her own games, as well

and what games would that be?
and like you havent played any yourself.

D/s for me isn't some magical mystery tour out of a romance novel.

Catalina, your information was very insightful, thank you.

This however:

it sounds very much like someone who would afterward perhaps decide they regretted what they did, or were scared by it or their reactions, or hurt and it noticed by someone else and so feel compelled to cry rape afterward

was not. I have been through hell and back and never once called the fuzz in the process. Some people might rely on our boys in blue, but I do not. I have a tendency to push my feelings down, and would never let anyone know if I did get raped, partly because of stuffing my feelings, but mostly because I have a strong sense of knowing where my blame lies as well--with me. I know full well I am playing with fire.

But I am not here to convince you. Believe what you shall.

your situation doesnt sound like D/s to me, it sounds like a man who knows what he wants and doesnt care how the other person feels. i may be reading this wrong, but this to me seems like a very bad situation to be in

myinnerslut,

I think you raise a very valid point-he knows what he wants but he isnt being respectful of how I might feel, even if the end process is still pleasure. And your right, it could be a bad situation to be in, which is why I came here to seek guidance and advice.

Life. Its a growing process. You should all be happy that you are supplying me with your different wisdoms, thus helping me to grow.

 

[wildhate]

Tuomas,

I think the two of your are playing a very dangerous game. Your post does not include a lot of details,

More of which I will go into, and some of it is very risque, and a bit dangerous, I guess. I will have to wait until the weekend is over, before I get into detail.

But since its a big secret, and nobody knows but us, I feel quite relieved to finally talk it over.

 

[CutieMouse]

and what games would that be?

Your posts read as saying that he's cornering you, and doing all these things to turn you on, and you get so very wet, so of course that means you're enjoying yourself, but gee your'e uncomfortable, and well gosh you don't think you really ever said no, because you were just so on fire, but you well yeah you do go ahead playing yourself in situations where you are alone with this guy, and push limits- sometimes pushing them further than you probably should have.

To *me* those are the actions of someone who is intentionally playing with fire. Just because the game is played out of an inability to decide what one wants, does not make it any less a game. I'm simply trying to say it takes two to tango, m'dear, and Tuomas' advice to straighten yourself out first, was very good.

and like you havent played any yourself.

Let me assure you, you do not want to walk down that path with me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

But I am not here to convince you. Believe what you shall.

LOL, believe me, I am not taking this seriously, but that is just my opinion and feeling on all of this from the beginning...others no doubt will feel differently. I actually think perhaps you have read one too many bad novels, or are bored. Why? You want answers, nothing is going to help no matter what anyone says, it is all a big big secret for you both and yet you paint a picture of being out of your control, you try to not see him but you tell us you will have to wait until after the weekend is over to be able to tell us more (so despite the claims he is the one organising things without your knowledge or cooperation, you are hinting at a weekend rendevous with him which means you are aware you will get together....trying to dangle the carrot so to speak to keep us all enthralled by your tale of imminent peril at the hands of this dastardly predator), you only joined today and this is your first thread/post (not impossible or a sin but very unusual), you choose the online name 'wildhate' and the thread title 'Savage Heat or Just Savage?'....both associations with violence, uncontrolled anger, hatred, danger; you refer to police as 'the fuzz' and 'our boys in blue' which also sounds like a very bad outdated dialogue from a badly written novel, you point out any trouble you get into is yuour responsibility...but then you forgotyou told us you can't stop him making sure he is alone with you so how can it be your fault?...all just comes over as melodramatic and each post I read I get this image of you in my head sitting behind your PC snickering while you type up the next snippet of information and tittilation. Sorry if I have it wrong, but it all just comes up sounding very strange. No doubt, at some point if you are genuine, someone else will come to rescue you here so I needn't worry about your immediate welfare I expect. Contrary to what you say, you seem to know very much what you believe you want.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Maybe what she wrote is all true. Maybe you are all being unwelcoming and unkind to a new poster. Maybe you are all being rude to her. Maybe you are not showing her the respect she deserves...

I mean afterall... 'A poster who doesn't even come here often asked for info... How about we show him some fucking respect by contributing to his discussion or pissing off'.

Oh wait... that doesn't apply to every one else here. My bad. I forgot.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Oh wait... that doesn't apply to every one else here. My bad. I forgot.

You will be punished for your error.
Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

You will be punished for your error.
Eb

Oh I already have been, Ma'am. Over and over...

 

[LadyJeanne]

I was graciously led the way to this forum to have these questions answered...

Hi everyone - I was the person who suggested that she post her questions here.

I had read her posts in another non-Lit advice forum that I frequent, and thought there were some elements of D/s to what was happening between them. I didn't get from her posts there that she was truly afraid of this man, except to the extent that he was compelling to her and she couldn't quite resist him.

But...I am not in any way an expert or experienced with D/s. That's why I suggested she do some research to see whether that was what the erotic thrill was about for her, and I suggested she come here to ask the experts and read through some of the threads.

He could be an ass, or he could be seducing her in a way she doesn't understand. I thought you guys might be able to help her sort her thoughts and feelings about what's going on between them, and maybe give her some insights.

In any case, she's not here to pull your collective leg. It's my fault if I sent her in the wrong direction.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Hi everyone - I was the person who suggested that she post her questions here.

I had read her posts in another non-Lit advice forum that I frequent, and thought there were some elements of D/s to what was happening between them. I didn't get from her posts there that she was truly afraid of this man, except to the extent that he was compelling to her and she couldn't quite resist him.

But...I am not in any way an expert or experienced with D/s. That's why I suggested she do some research to see whether that was what the erotic thrill was about for her, and I suggested she come here to ask the experts and read through some of the threads.

He could be an ass, or he could be seducing her in a way she doesn't understand. I thought you guys might be able to help her sort her thoughts and feelings about what's going on between them, and maybe give her some insights.

In any case, she's not here to pull your collective leg. It's my fault if I sent her in the wrong direction.

Well, I sure didn't think she was. And I want to be clear with you and her about that. I admit to not really understanding her position but that doesn't mean that I found her to be false.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Well, I sure didn't think she was. And I want to be clear with you and her about that. I admit to not really understanding her position but that doesn't mean that I found her to be false.

Thanks, sweets.

I'm not sure she's clear on her position...hence the need for help. My read on this - again, from my non-expert view - is she's met up with a wannabe or newbie Dom and she's falling for him and is confused about it. If she comes back, perhaps she can explain it better.

Wildhate - read through the links Catalina kindly provided re BDSM v. abuse. That should help you figure out if he's dangerous.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thanks, sweets.

I'm not sure she's clear on her position...hence the need for help. My read on this - again, from my non-expert view - is she's met up with a wannabe or newbie Dom and she's falling for him and is confused about it. If she comes back, perhaps she can explain it better.

Wildhate - read through the links Catalina kindly provided re BDSM v. abuse. That should help you figure out if he's dangerous.

Contrary to what some would want you to believe, I am not passive/aggressive or always unwelcoming or disrespectful to new posters. I can however, spot a shit-stirrer from another forum, though. ;-) And they do come this way from time to time.

I hope she figures out what this guy's game plan is. He does sound confusing to me.