Saoppy Love Poem maybe....help?

[echoes_s]

Sweet surrender

Mischievously enticing
A gypsy’s dance
Red heels
A mask
Veiling, a silhouette
Arms rose
Head back
Neck bore
She softly laughs
Drunk from the music of you.

You sing to her sweet lullabies
When you smile
Your kindness sparks
Your fingers, a sigh
As you trace her neck
And walk around
To sit on the chair by her side

Her heart swells and your music flows
Up and down her veins
And devilishly so she wants to tease
She turns and dances for you.

Until she looked deep into your eyes
And truly saw what you desired
Surrendering
Melting to her knees. She kisses your foot.




even if its a *toss it in the garbage advise* Not used to writting these things. would really appreciate some help. Thanks

 

[jthserra]

I like the image here...

but don't tell me she is "Mischievously enticing", show me...
I think drop that first line, and then play with the dance, dance with it... enhancing the mischievousness...

"A gypsy’s dance, a flash of red
Heels pound a rhythm, a mask
Veils deep, dark eyes, a silhouette
Arms rise, head back
Her neck bared
She softly (not softly... something more mischievous, perhaps "slyly" laughs
Drunk from the music of you.

I think now you need to keep her elusive, mischievous. Instead of turning the attention to the (I assume) man, keep it on the dancer. Let him smile and sing, but have her trace his neck, perhaps drawing him into the chair. Let her course his veins, keep her in control until... the music dies, when she kneels to him. I think the strength here is in the gypsy dancer image, the sudden freedom she feels in the dance, the freedom to control him until the dance ends. Keep the reader there with her to accentuate the moment when she kneels.

You sing to her sweet lullabies
When you smile
Your kindness sparks
Your fingers, a sigh
As you trace her neck
And walk around
To sit on the chair by her side

Her heart swells and your music flows
Up and down her veins
And devilishly so she wants to tease
She turns and dances for you.

Until she looked deep into your eyes
And truly saw what you desired
Surrendering
Melting to her knees. She kisses your foot.


...Just my thoughts here, but I think if you continue with some minor changes here and there, maintaining the attention on the dancer you can build on the initial interest, continuing to make her more mischievious and elusive until the last stanza, you will add an intensity to the poem. Perhaps add some more senses to the poem (the pounding heels)... add a fragrance, the sound of her breath, when she touches him describe it, add a texture. I think if you try that it will add some dimension to the poem, perhaps less a soapy love poem and more an exotic one. See what you think...

And with regards to the trashcan: I was just reading Ted Hughes' introduction to Sylvia's Collected Poems. In it he talks of her writing, how she never threw anything away, never abandoned a poem. She would work it, twist it, tweak it and beat it into something. He said that she was artisan like with her verse: "...if she couldn't get a table out of the material, she was quite happy with a chair, or even a toy." Don't throw anything away, a discarded phrase or verse today could make an excellent poem in a week.

Again, just my thoughts...

jim

 

[OT]

A couple of suggestions:

Consider changing the perspective. The "Her and You" doesn't feel right. Either go with "me and you" as if you are writing to a specific person, or go with regular omniscient third person and show us the interactions between her and him. (I'd recommend the latter, which makes it easier for a reader to pick which character to relate to, or be a voyeur watch them both )

In general, it strikes me as wordy. See how many words you can cut or phrases you can reword to be shorter without losing the image. For example, Drop the "kisses your foot" and end it with "Melts to her knees". Or if you like image of the foot thing, then drop the "Melts to knees". (The reader can imagine the requisite contortions to figure out how she was able to reach his foot).

Since I'm picking on the last lines, notice that "Surrendering", "Melting to her knees" and "She kisses his foot" all convey pretty much the same thing. Pick the most powerful and drop the others or perhaps a hybrid version "She melts to kiss his foot" or ... you get the idea.

One more before I go. Part of the "too wordy" feel comes from your list approach.
Five "You's" in the third stanza. Four "She's in the fourth stanza.

Hope this gives you a few things to think about.

O.T.

 

[Rybka]

What they said!

You just got some very good advice. Start with what jthserra and OT have said. That should keep you busy for awhile.

To summarize:

* Show, don't tell.

* Try and keep the perspective the same (good general rule unless you have a very definite reason for the switch).

* "List" poems are not the most interesting form and generally are very difficult to do successfully.

* Throw all the unnecessary words out of the poem, but never throw the poem out. - I recommend that you put a new work, even one you really like, aside for a month or so until you can read it objectively, as if someone else had written it. Then if you still don't want to change anything it may be ready for the world to see.

Other tips:
* Always use a spell checker!

* Look at the comments made about other poems and see how they may apply to your own work.

* Write!

* Read, read, and read!



Regards, Rybka

 

[echoes_s]

Awesome! Thank you!
Now I understand a bit more about focus, perspective, and wording, and the difference between showing and telling.
Thank you Jim, OT, and Rybka!