Santa's Pickup Lines and other Chritmas Chuckles

[LRC]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[Shylady]

lol LRC I am seeing Santa in a whole new way now!

 

[kitsuke]

hell... how about:


I'm Santa.... you want some REALLY nice stuff for Christmas? *wink wink, pats the lap*

 

[LRC]

And the Elves try to get some tooooo

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

1. "I'm down here"

2. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a
sissy"

3. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"

4. "I can get you off the naughty list"

5. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on
toys"

6. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

7. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler"

8. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild
man"

9. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"

10. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"

 

[kitsuke]

Re: And the Elves try to get some tooooo

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

6. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

ROFLAMO!! I love that one.. not sure why, but I absolutely love it!

 

[Black_Bird]

Santa: Do you want a candy cane with a little sex?

Woman: No!

Santa: What? You don't like candy canes?

***

Elf: Listen, I don't have to guess what color your panties are! I already can see you aren't wearing any...

***

Elf: I'm big where it counts.

***

Santa: I'll only give you a digitial camera for christmas if you promise not to do anything naughty with it... except with me.

***

Santa: Ms. Claus likes being called a Ho.

 

[LRC]

Re: Re: And the Elves try to get some tooooo

ROFLAMO!! I love that one.. not sure why, but I absolutely love it!

That line, a swaying pocket watch and a fifth of vodka might work.

 

[Black_Bird]

Elf: No, I'm not a leprechaun, but if you rub me the right way, I can do an excellent Ron Jeremy impersonation!

 

[estevie]

*chuckles*

Those are funny!

 

[plasticman33]

Cum sit in my lap, little girl, Santa has something for you!

 

[LRC]

Santa and the Very Naughty Little Boy

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know
what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the
boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough
toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every
letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have
all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,
"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I
can smell it on your finger!"

 

[christophe]

Mrs Claus: "Santa is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me"

 

[LRC]

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You

December 22, 2000

10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and
posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living
room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat
ass"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I
know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives
you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof

 

[batter]

HO HO HO!!!!

now, you can be a good little girl and sit on Santa's lap or be a naughty little girl, and sit on Santa's face and tell him what you want.

HO HO HO!!!

 

[batter]

sorry, i had a double post.

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, The Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Busses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day Of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

 

[LRC]

20 Ways To Make HIS Xmas XXXmas!

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.


Now that's what I call a honey do list