San Diego Slutwife Stories

[Scara_N_tish]

Chapters 1-3 already up. Number 4 will be up soon.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=409692&page=submissions

Please tell us what you think.

 

[writelove]

Interesting note. As I read your stories, I thought to myself how much they simply appeared as though you were simply sharing something that actually happened. Later, I read on your profileor somewhere else that this was indeed the case.

I found your story interesting. It had this sense of realism. I must confess that I am not a swinging kind of guy, wouldn't want any sort of group sex unless it was two or more girls servicing me.

As a recommendation I would start with breaking up the paragraphs just a bit. I tended to skip through some of the larger ones.

Also, you might want to add something to the story to give it a bit more than a bunch of guys servicing Tish. Perhaps the two have recently robbed a convenience store and while on the run are having all kinds of sexual adventures.

Something else to spice things up and give continuity to the story would be most helpful.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I had been temporarily stationed in my little hometown in eastern Washington State when I met Tish. After a rocky start we started dating and six months later we were married. Shortly afterwards I was cut orders for a transfer to San Diego. Now I'd be taking my little country wife to the big city. It was the first time she'd left home and was understandably nervous.

This is your opening paragraph to chapter one. Why did you have a rocky start? It might have been interesting to see some of the history between you and Tish.

The sentence Shortly afterwards I was cut orders for a transfer to San Diego. seems awkward. I know in military parlance, cut orders, means to be given orders. This sentence may have read better as "Shortly after we were married I received orders for a transfer to San Diego."

We got lucky and got into Navy housing in Point Loma almost right away mostly thanks to my recent promotion. The place was quite nice. It was a town house style place with a small balcony on the second floor and a small grassy back yard surrounded by a fence.

This is the second paragraph and it is lackluster at best. It does nothing to try to capture reader, to make them want to read more.

Tish is a natural beauty about 5'4" with wide hips and large 36D breasts capped with thick nipples. Her reddish brown hair trailed down her back almost to her heart shaped ass. She had and still does a habit of wearing clothing that revealed a lot of skin. She had this little pale blue outfit with a short top that barely came below her tits and left her midriff bare. It also didn't button up high enough to hide her generous cleavage. With it she wore a matching "skort", one this things half skirt and half shorts. It had been just a skirt it would have been shockingly short. As it was, the leg holes flared out quite a bit revealing a lot of skin and on many occasions her ass cheeks. When it was hot, she usually omitted wearing a bra or panties and it was always hot in San Diego. Most of her other outfits were similar.

Normally when I see a bra size mentioned in a story, I stop. Look at the highlighted sentence. Again this paragraph is weak to say the least. I don't think I would have used the word "omitted" to describe her lack of underwear. The last sentence in this paragraph is simply abyssmal.

We'd been settled in our housing in San Diego for a couple months when I ran into my old friend Alan from my previous command. He was on duty and didn't have time to talk but I gave him my phone number. He called me the following Saturday and I invited him over for a BBQ that afternoon. Tish was excited to meet someone new having been cooped up in the apartment. I explained to Tish that Alan was a guy I used to hang out with and often we picked up women together so Alan might have a few tales to tell. I also explained he was black. She hadn't had much contact with folks outside her ethnic group so I thought I'd warn her. She wasn't perturbed so all was good.

I thought you had a townhouse? With a yard? Why is Tish cooped up in an apartment? Again, this paragraph is just plain dull. It does nothing to make me want to keep reading.

You tell us too much and show us too little. I can imagine the story was exciting to you as you wrote it but, it's not very good to read.

The premise of your story is good, and is erotic, just not written very well. Not nearly well enough to make me want to go read the next two chapters.

All that being said, you need to find an editor. The last thing I want to do is to discourage you from writing. Part of the secret of becoming a good writer is just writing.

 

[sexymathstudent]

Chapters 1-3 already up. Number 4 will be up soon.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=409692&page=submissions

Please tell us what you think.

i think the beginning showed promise.