Safeword

[dreaming_lilith]

There is a side of this I wonder if anyone else has been thinking about too.
If im catched up by the moment and high on adrenalin, even if Ive about to reach a point where I can't take it anymore - and reach it, I can't make myself asking for it to stop. Firstly because I fear i would totaly get out of the mood if im topping from the bottom, and secondly cause I don't want to take that responsebilty.

This sounds insane when I put it in words...

Other subs acting the same way?

It's easier to stop begging for more as a sign, than throwing in a word to stop it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Only you can determine your motivation in not using your safe word, but it also is not unusual for many. Sometimes it is a fear it will be seen as opting out too soon or topping from the bottom, sometimes an uncertainty whether more can be taken or if it is just a minute to catch breath needed, and sometimes just a fear we are disappointing the Dominant....the list is endless. Most important thing I guess is to remember you are given a safeword so you can let the Dominant know when you have gone as far as you can and that you needn't feel bad about using it. Usually, especially in the beginning stages, this is their tool for getting to know how your body reactes, how you respond, and where the safety zones are for you. Have fun and play safe. Take care.

Catalina

 

[dreaming_lilith]

Unless its a non consensual roleplay, doesn't just "stop" works fine instead of a set safeword? But my thoughts were more about my own emotioons during the play, than the practical side of it. If other subs shares those feelings.
Another example. I tend to get overexcited and beg for more than what would be consider as physically healthy, which requires of the one I'm with to set limits when I seem to be incapable of it. I can't help wonder why I do that

 

[MissTaken]

Hello lilith,

As catalina suggests, what you use for a safe word and when and how are all things to be discussed with your Dominant. For some, "stop" may be an acceptable word, but for others, their impulsive reaction to pain may be to say "stop" when in reality they wouldn't necessarily be ready to use a safe word.

I understand your feelings about safe words. I believe many subs, especially when in touch with the raw sensations and emotions of submission, are unwilling to interrupt the play , disappoint the Dominant etc.

Here is food for thought. IMHO, using a safeword is not topping from the bottom. If I can trust my sub will use teh safe word responsibly, then I have the freedom to do whatever I want, how hard or soft I want, for however long I want, knowing he will tell me if it is too much. Therefore, a safe word is a means of actually providing me the freedom to cut loose and enjoy the scene.

Further, when I have subbed and now, as a top, checking for a safe word was a comforting practice. When I sub, I become non verbal so a Dominant who checks, asks, "Do I hear your safe word?" is actually communicating with me. I use the same practice with scooter. I know him well enough to read his body and his reactions, but must say that especially when introducing new sensations, I will "check in" often.

These are just a few of my random thoughts this morning. Hope they made some sense.

 

[NCShin]

Unless its a non consensual roleplay, doesn't just "stop" works fine instead of a set safeword?

I've said a few times how the sub i'm with is japanese. She might say stop, no, or various japanese varients of those words 100 times during any given play session. If/when I do stop or slow down to make sure she doesn't really mean it i am greated with disdane and her being frustrated in my "listening" to her. Part of her whole experience is me not stopping even when she says to.

She has a safeword, but, honestly I don't think she'd ever use it. I'm not sure she could use it even if she wanted to.

If you really don't feel comfortable with a safeword, you might try saying his name, whatever you might call him. Not in a lustful wispy voice, but in a more urgent tone. That should get him to at least take a moment to see what you want/need and give you both a moment to see how things are.

If you do safeword and he is angry then you need to consider the fact that it really is there for your mental and physical safety. He has no right to be mad, if he is, you shouldn't be with him.

If my sub DID safeword....I'd surely not be mad at her. I'd love her even more for having the courage to use it. I might be disapointed in myself for forcing her to need it, but i'd never be mad with her.

 

[dreaming_lilith]

I would never surrender control to someone who would get angry for such a thing.

I personally think "Do you want more?" is the best way, cause if I'm unable to say "yes" that is a sign to stop.

It's not the word itself, saying "stop" or the name or whatever, it is taking that initiative when being absorbed by submission.

 

[Limbhugger]

There is a side of this I wonder if anyone else has been thinking about too.
If im catched up by the moment and high on adrenalin, even if Ive about to reach a point where I can't take it anymore - and reach it, I can't make myself asking for it to stop. Firstly because I fear i would totaly get out of the mood if im topping from the bottom, and secondly cause I don't want to take that responsebilty.

This sounds insane when I put it in words...

Other subs acting the same way?

It's easier to stop begging for more as a sign, than throwing in a word to stop it.

I can relate to what you're saying. I have yet to use my safeword with Wife. That is a testament to my needs, desires, and position as well as her knowing hand and our mutual trust.

When I fall deep and hard into that stangely beautiful void where true pain becomes almost indistinguishable from true pleasure, I find myself lost in the overwhelming experience of it all. The pain and pleasure combining into smashing waves that break across my mind and drown out conscious thought.

I also have a fear of disappoitning her. As if my weakness will cause the scene to end before she is ready. I am fortunate in that she watches me closely. Not just my physical response but my facial expressions, my reaction time, my utterings. She gets a complete sense for what is occurring and knows when I am no longer able or willing to ask her to stop. I am also fortunate in that she pushes my limits but without reckless brutality.

I hope at least some of that made sense.

LH

 

[Jessalynvix]

There is a side of this I wonder if anyone else has been thinking about too.
If im catched up by the moment and high on adrenalin, even if Ive about to reach a point where I can't take it anymore - and reach it, I can't make myself asking for it to stop. Firstly because I fear i would totaly get out of the mood if im topping from the bottom, and secondly cause I don't want to take that responsebilty.

This sounds insane when I put it in words...

Other subs acting the same way?

It's easier to stop begging for more as a sign, than throwing in a word to stop it.

I have yet to totally safeword out. In our play we use the green, yellow, red method. Red for stop, yellow for slow down and green is good. I have yellowed when I was being introuduced to the floggers because it was a new sensation for me and was having trouble adjusting to it but once things were slowed down I adjusted to the sensastions.

If the need arose I would safeword because I know my limits and what my body can take nor would I want my Daddy to be upset with me for going past what I should have for that would likely land me into trouble which would result in a time out from play and I don't want that.

 

[Quint]

As someone who rarely wants or enjoys the sensation I receive, "stop" would be a completely unhelpful word. As MissT said, it's just how I react to pain. Don't like it, want it to stop, but not enough to MAKE it stop.

We're actually going in a direction another submissive mentioned on this forum---replacing "red, yellow, green" words with feedback on what's going on if it gets to be too much. "I'm about to pass out" is a lot more revealing than "Red," and it also relieves my fear of topping---technically, if T wants me to pass out, he will listen to me say those words and keep doing what he's doing until I'm unconscious. But it won't be an act committed in ignorance. That's what I consider safe submission.

As far as instant, unexpectedly unbearable pain---well, that's something I would have difficulty NOT redding out of, because my first reaction would be to make it stop now. We're working on that one still. But for the most part, quick, honest feedback is more effective for us than an ambiguous, all-purpose word.

 

[shelleb4]

personally i think it is wise to have safe words and to use them when you need to. But i get so lost somewhere out there, that i cant remember to use it

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Re: Safeword

When I fall deep and hard into that stangely beautiful void where true pain becomes almost indistinguishable from true pleasure, I find myself lost in the overwhelming experience of it all. The pain and pleasure combining into smashing waves that break across my mind and drown out conscious thought.

I also have a fear of disappoitning her. As if my weakness will cause the scene to end before she is ready.
LH

dreaming_lilith --- There is a side of this I wonder if anyone else has been thinking about too.

I have experienced this, almost to the point of crying - espically when he tells me I can't orgasm. It worries me sometimes, but I remind myself that I'm just starting to push limits, and I'll bring myself to say something... usually he picks up on it, or is done what he is doing.

Or the other way around... I can't ask him for more, because I'm trying to break myself of topping from the bottom.

oi, the inner turmoil, makes my head hurt and all that I don't want to put myself in another place I want to bring myself to that higher level but it isn't coming easily.

 

[Netzach]

I think that applying D/s strictures to a Top/bottom experience has its hazards. We're dealing with bodies and body chemistry and if anyone thinks he/she can and should totally be in control of THAT under the duress of a pain scene, they might as well decide when the rain rains and the snow snows too....

delusional.

 

[trodas]

Using safewords depend very much on knowing each other and trusting each other
Some bottoms have - as catalina_francisco well mentiones - nearly endless list of fears why not use safeword.
Others don't.

I could only recommend it for beginners

Later is mostly not need, but again - not every subs can express their feelings during sesions well, or enough honestly, so for various paris vary the words usage as well

 

[dreaming_lilith]

I could only recommend it for beginners

Later is mostly not need, but again - not every subs can express their feelings during sesions well, or enough honestly, so for various paris vary the words usage as well

I don't see why it would be more needed for beginners...?
My own opinion would be that I might use it in a situation where I don't trust the person I'm with to know exactly what i can/can't take, not knowing me well enough to read my body language - but I would never surrender control to someone I didn't trust in that matter...
And in a situation with someone I trust, I find it very very hard to stop what is going on, and it seems I'm not the only one with that feeling.

 

[trodas]

Well, dreaming_lilith, and what the choosen one earned your trust? It come and say "trust me, dreaming_lilith?"
No?
Trust is something, what have to be earned. Earned by experience. If you trust somebody, then that's likely because you once tried give him a little control over your body, and he did not failed you. Then you tried to give more and...
...and that's what the trust he know you, he can read your body and eventually stop the session was earned.
Im right?

So, why safeword is necessary to beginners. Well, for the building up of the trust between them and also for safety, because BDSM play could be dangerous.
I want to say that subs and doms have dreams and fantasies. Erotic and playfull and very exciting ones.
However there are - especially for beginners - some limits, witch they did not know/experienced, so what seems (and in fantasy are) extremly exciting activity, might - when finally done in r/l - becoming true nightmare.
This is because beginners need training, limits of pain must first be pushed and torturing skills improved - and that is why i definitively recommend safeword to beginners

 

[dreaming_lilith]

Well, dreaming_lilith, and what the choosen one earned your trust? It come and say "trust me, dreaming_lilith?"
No?
Trust is something, what have to be earned. Earned by experience. If you trust somebody, then that's likely because you once tried give him a little control over your body, and he did not failed you. Then you tried to give more and...
...and that's what the trust he know you, he can read your body and eventually stop the session was earned.
Im right?

So, why safeword is necessary to beginners. Well, for the building up of the trust between them and also for safety, because BDSM play could be dangerous.
I want to say that subs and doms have dreams and fantasies. Erotic and playfull and very exciting ones.
However there are - especially for beginners - some limits, witch they did not know/experienced, so what seems (and in fantasy are) extremly exciting activity, might - when finally done in r/l - becoming true nightmare.
This is because beginners need training, limits of pain must first be pushed and torturing skills improved - and that is why i definitively recommend safeword to beginners

by talking about it for months and months, that is the way i prefer it. it is very slow and timeconsuming, but rewarding

i need trust in him to be able to read me before i have bdsm with him, not the trust that he will respect my safeword.
does it sound too naive?

 

[Lord Crimson]

If my sub DID safeword....I'd surely not be mad at her. I'd love her even more for having the courage to use it. I might be disapointed in myself for forcing her to need it, but i'd never be mad with her.

A Dom that would get mad at His sub for using a prearranged Safeword - has something that needs looking after.

I agree with NCShin - I would be more disapointed in Me,for not watching her more closely - she should never be at the point to make that decision. I know there have been times in Our relationship that she should have used her Safeword - but through other means she let Me know that she was at that point. So to get mad a her - I think not.

Lord Crimson

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Haveing come to this forum as a Sub/Bottom.. And now A domm/top... or working that way. IN sex period trust should be an issue.. and it sounds like your not quite sure if you trust your top or yourself all that much. I still get abit aprehensive when my BF wants me to play top for a particular session.. that giddy kind wanna please and be pleasured twitching that makes me even more attentive to his every muscle twitch.

if he/ she truely is A domme like everyone else is saying they should respect you and you should trust them. trust them not to get angry or to upset over useing a safe word.

personally I find it of the highest compliment when asked/allowed to gag someone I'm sceneing with. Then of course we discuss before the gagging is done on another "safe" action or sound.

And if this bothers you so much to use the safe word in the middle of a scene.. discuss beforehand whats acceptable as well as your consern about useing the safe word. So your not per-sae put on the spot in the middle of play. And if your domme is understanding of your mind ( as they should be) You can work together to stretch your limits.. not just sexually but mentally as well ( and no I'm not talking about therepy. if you try and use bondage instead of a shrink thats bad..*slap on hands*).

Everytime you scene you don't have to test your limits either.. myaybe getting comfortable with your domme in whats already been established until your comfortable to move on would help?.. That was one of my problems when I first acknowledged all my fun lil' desires. You may be takeing things abit fast?

And with the instant pain thing... blazeing RED light for me too..

 

[MastrJ]

Using a safeword might interrupt the flow of a scene, but I would rather my sub use it if she felt she needed to. I constantly worry that I might hurt my sub too much while we are playing and depend on my observations and her knowing the safe word to make sure it doesn't happen. I would be far more upset if my sub didn't use the safeword when she felt she should than if she didn't. I don't think using a safeword is topping from bottom. It's communication. Something that's essential in my opinion.

 

[Etoile]

I had my first experience using a kind of safeword this past weekend. Now, Daddy and I have not established a safeword of any kind. We've never needed to. The few times I've asked to be let out (once was when I was tied up but felt like I was going to be sick and didn't want to make a mess!) I have always managed to convey it to Daddy without actually using a safeword. To me a safeword is pretty damn insistent - and that's okay. I have no problem with somebody knowing their limits, I've just never felt the need to impose them. I trust my Daddy enough that if I express a hesitation, e'll know whether I'm just nervous or whether something is seriously wrong.

That said, I did have to use a kind of safeword this weekend. I enjoy being choked, and this weekend Daddy really got into it. E is bigger than me and can put weight on me pretty well, and e was choking me while fucking me. I was loving it...until I realized I couldn't see anything anymore. I figured it out before passing out, and whapped Daddy with a free hand. E eased up slowly and my vision returned, and I could breathe again. Would it have been totally horrible if I had passed out? Probably not. Daddy would have figured it out then and let me breathe. But this was the first time I needed to urgently stop what was going on.

 

[Quint]

Eeyup, been there, Etoile. Part of me wanted to pass out, still....but the rush I felt as I came fully back into the world was indescribable. I can see why choking is so dangerous; it's very tempting and rewarding and addictive, all at once. But I'm glad he (and e) stopped.

 

[trodas]

dreaming_lilith
i need trust in him to be able to read me before i have bdsm with him, not the trust that he will respect my safeword.
does it sound too naive?

Not at all More likely typically, that naive. You need the trust in person, just like everyone else. Just like the top, that you will use the safe word, when need, not w/o reason and also that you will not be affraid to use it, when it make your uncomfortable - trust is the key ingrediance in BDSM.
It's not like just f*ck, this is more serious, deep and therefore it need knowing each other and trusting each other

DarkLadyOfDeath - many of us started as bottoms and end as tops - and many switching on regulary basic Nothing new, everyone should try everything, because we live only once. Discussing limits beforehand is necessary, but i do believe that the safe word is exactly for those, who did not know their limits well, by lack of the experience
Gaging is cool, IMHO - but one shuld still hold into hand a shawl, and when droped, then stop...
But i do not agree that bondage can't be used as therapy or instead of shrink - well, I never need one (so my judging are less informed...), however I do believe that relaxing the mind into bondage could be a good theraphy for some of us...

Etoile - danger is exciting, is not it?