Safeword need/not approved

[BoundSweetness]

Hi people,

so I was wondering how often and if you ever needed to use the safe word? And if, did it ever happen that the dom didn't stop despite you saying it?

~BoundSweetness

 

[DesEsseintes]

2 things in order of importance.

1) The safe word is non-negotiable. As in, virtually a relationship breaker. If the sub says it, the Dom/me stops immediately.

2) It's best to discuss limits in advance thoroughly and perhaps have an 'almost' safe word so your Dom/me knows when your limit is approaching.

But read number 1 again.

 

[MeekMe]

I've only ever been with my husband and we use the traffic light system (green=good yellow=slow down and red=stop). I've only ever uttered yellow. He quickly stopped to check on me. Other than that the safe word isn't always necessary. He pays attention to me and often checks with me to make sure I'm not going overboard. I tell him in plain words what's going on. Things like "I think the clamp is cutting my nipple!" ！(◎_◎; ) He'll check immediately and adjust accordingly.

There are the horror stories out there of PYLs not stopping. It's that reason one should choose wisely when looking. Make sure you're compatible. If your interests are closely aligned, you'll probably have a healthier time.

There are dynamics that don't use safe words at all.

Discuss this with your partner. If "no" and "stop" don't mean no and stop, use a safe word. Something easy (red is really easy to remember). It is a nonnegotiable if discussed before hand that yes, safe word = STOP.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

BoundSweetness, I've been involved in BDSM for a long, long time. Here is my advice if a Dom refuses to respect a safe word, run, run fast and far and never even consider ever going back. He is a danger you to and your well being, you can end up badly damaged, maimed or dead.

Mike

 

[BoundSweetness]

Yeah, I know. I have a sweet boyfriend and he'd never hurt me.
I was just curious if someone had bad experiences as people, well the sub isn't in control at all. Guess it's really a matter of trust. Thanks for the advice

 

[BoundSweetness]

Non-negotiable. I see. Hmm thanks, I was just curious if such things happen. Guess in a real normal bdsm relationship they shouldn't. Thanks for the info

 

[BoundSweetness]

Your husband sounds sweet. My boyfriend is similar and also takes a lot of care and is cautious with me. He isn't overly into that stuff but rolls with it for me hehe. So yeah, no worries
And yeah the horror stories freak me out a bit as really anything can happen while out of control but yeah.. in a normal relationship the safe word is respected. All I wanted to know and the reason I asked.
Hmm, we aren't too much into it just yet so don't need a safe word ...yet lol. But if we go deeper in those waters we will be sure to discuss do, don's and safewords.
Thanks for your reply and advice

 

[Arlan]

I don't get off on pretending I don't love it, so I don't have a safeword - no just means no. Stop means stop. Even easier to remember than "red" or "safeword."

I've never had somebody not stop when I said to stop and we were already in the middle of some kind of BDSM thing that I'd consented to in the first place.

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't use them. In my opinion, safe words can become an impediment to communication - in the moment, instead of saying no, or stop, or quickly explaining something going wrong (my wrist; bad hurt!), I have to process whatever is going on AND remember a code word AND string everything together. I know myself; probably not going to happen. lol (Caveat - I also don't play with the whole "No, no, Sir! Don't throw me in that briar patch!" sorts of things. Which means no situations where no might be mistaken for yes, or stop might be mistaken for go.)

My other reason for not doing the safe word thing, is that people act like it's some holy grail of protection or something. If someone is going to put you in a vulnerable position and screw you up, they are going to do so regardless of an agreed upon safe word. How does "RED!" keep you any safer, than "STOP!" or "NO!", when you're not in a position to physically stop anything?

Know who you're screwing; trust them before you screw them; accept that sometimes people screw up.

 

[Amberchgo]

I've only ever been with my husband and we use the traffic light system (green=good yellow=slow down and red=stop). I've only ever uttered yellow. He quickly stopped to check on me. .....

It is a nonnegotiable if discussed before hand that yes, safe word = STOP.

Ditto. The colors are good.

When gagged, the Dom would put a scarf in each hand. If I dropped one, it meant stop.

And yes ... NON-negotiable.

 

[BoundSweetness]

I like your attitude towards it. And yeah if someone wants to hurt you they will regardless the safeword or not.

" Know who you're screwing; trust them before you screw them; accept that sometimes people screw up." One of best phrased advices ever lol.

Thanks for the reply

 

[BoundSweetness]

Yeah, guess there is just simply best to be honest with each other.

Thanks for the reply

 

[BoundSweetness]

Oh, interesting. I barely even thought about what to do when unable to speak. That's a good idea I think. Thanks

 

[luvnmyboys]

We do not have a safe word. There is no chance that my husband is going to hurt me. I just let him know how I'm feeling. If I really needed a safe word, i would probably forget what I was supposed to say. Stop works for us. I don't say it unless I mean it.

 

[BoundSweetness]

Hehe, honesty seems to work best. I always imagined in sessions a safe word is a need as in a part of it but it doesn't have to be so (which I realize now). Thanks for your reply

 

[Beenthere62]

You can be hurt unintentionally as well, by a good Dom. An experienced and caring Dom will check as the scene progresses. "What's your color now" I've only called red a few times and my Sir stops immediately. It may or may not mean the end of the scene, but for us, I know there is one word I can use when I can't continue.

 

[amofiga]

Trust is a must. A Dom/Domme that does not honor a safe word ventures into the world of abuse. It is possible to negotiate continued activity after a safe word is called, but if it's over, it's over. Remember that it as to be based on choice, trust, and negotiation

 

[YoungToy]

If someone in the relationship refuses to have a safeword, then they are not trustworthy and should be avoided.

 

[DesEsseintes]

If someone in the relationship refuses to have a safeword, then they are not trustworthy and should be avoided.

That may be harsh - as others have said above, there are alternatives to safewords which work just as well and depend on honesty and good communication. What is unforgivable is to agree a safeword which is then ignored.

A safeword is your bottom line (no pun intended!) - your absolute (current) limit, and the safety harness that lets a sub explore her/his limitations knowing that they won't be pushed beyond their breaking point. To break that fundamental trust is about the worst thing a Dom can do, and I would advise any sub in that situation to leave as soon as is safe.

 

[KoPilot]

We do light resistance play, and I guess use the traffic light system, but ive never actually used a safeword in any real way. Basically... we've only used them jokingly.

"I'm gonna make you eat poutine." "Red!"

This means that they may or may not be ruined for actual play, but I honestly don't see myself using them, even when it might be in my best interest to do so. (And there have been times when I find it incredibly difficult, if not outright impossible to communicate any sort of complex thought.) Potentially dangerous? Yep. But I guess I'm a little fucked up that way.

 

[alexismarc]

My husband and I are into light Dom/sub play and I suppose we use the safeword the same way other people use "yellow". I say it, he stops and makes sure I'm cool to continue, sans whatever he was just doing.

Other than establishing the safe word we seem to discuss limits as we go. I trust him unconditionally so he'll bring something up, I'll tell him yes or no, if he's feeling particularly frisky he might try it anyway and if it's a hard limit for me I say the word. We've never had any problems with this system.

 

[katalynn]

I don't have a safe word. My Master is constantly checking on me, even when I'm playing with someone else, he is there watching. I am picky with who I play with too. I have a word to use, but I just straight up communicate with them. If it's going to fast or too hard, I let them know to slow down, it's too much. Or my Master will tell them to slow down and he'll check on me.