Safe Words

[dr_mabeuse]

Do you use safe words? What are they?

What do you do when she's gagged?

 

[Desdemona]

I have one and I've never used it. It's "flamingo". LMAO. I chose it because it's extremely non-sexual.

We don't use gags so that isn't an issue for us.

 

[James G 5]

Do you use safe words? What are they.

What do you do when she's gagged?

Words to indicate someone is in some form of serious distress or cannot stand what you're doing to him/her anymore
I use them when playing at play parties or public events with strangers I don't know, since I may be unable to determine how they're doing, with new partners while I get to know their limits, and in certain types of edge scenes like "rape" or "force" scenes where terms like "no" or "stop" are part of it
They always exist for me, but I have not really needed them when with long term partners I know well, since I am fairly well versed in reading their reactions and bodies

There're several methods when someone is gagged, including the popular "have then hold a rubber ball and drop it if they are in trouble"
I prefer a clicker, like animal trainers use, one click for "getting a bit much", 2 for "enough" and 3 for "I need out of this RIGHT now"
If they drop the clicker, they're probably zoning & I need to inspect them

 

[ownedsubgal]

no, my Master and i don't use safewords. safewords allow the submissive quite a bit of control over a situation, and therefore in the relationship, and as his slave i have no right to control anything, even if i am sore/emotionally distressed/whatever.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Do you use safe words? What are they?

What do you do when she's gagged?

Yes, safewords are always used.

I typically ask her to pick a safeword as soon as we start talking about BDSM (before we start playing); if she is confused, I ask her to look around and pick a nearby object. We continue with that safeword for the course of the relationship unless she wants a new one.

If gagged, she will do a series of grunts to indicate her status.

 

[Netzach]

Chartreuse, Godenrod and Vermillion. I permit M to express his inner decorator queen.

If gagged the three grunts/nods whatever.

These rarely ever get carted out. I respect signs of true distress and I check in a lot. I just read him pretty well, don't really know how.

Red Yellow Green for the casual contact. I don't use them much there either, I check in a lot, I will say "what is going through that mind?" if I honestly can't get a read, make 'em talk.

 

[slvjenn]

We use a word that means master in japanese...well loosly translated anyway....it can be used for anything, Sir, Boss anyone of a higher position.

I'm not really sure how to spell it out, but I'll try.

Sah - Mah

I've never used it however.

 

[incubus_dark]

I was thinking of having her use, "antidisestablishmentarianism", because if she can remember and clearly pronounce that, then what I'm doing isn't working and I should give up.

I don't use safe words with my sub because we know each other well enough so that I know when to stop or failing that, I know when she really means it when she asks or gestures me to. I don't play casually but if I did a safe word would be mandatory. When using a gag I think a part of the fear and thrill of it is that she knows she can't say a safe word, and I would want to spoil that by implementing another system. I just take more care with what I do and pay attention to her body language.

 

[BrightFlower]

no, my Master and i don't use safewords. safewords allow the submissive quite a bit of control over a situation, and therefore in the relationship, and as his slave i have no right to control anything, even if i am sore/emotionally distressed/whatever.

With all due respect, this doesn't sound healthy to me. Even if there is a safeword, a good sub knows the proper time to use it and also knows by using it she isn't controlling a situation, she is just making sure of her safety. It's not about controlling a situation, it's about your overall health and if the dominant is as concerned with his/her sub's well-being, as he/she should be, safewords are the way to go.

 

[SierraMoon]

With all due respect, this doesn't sound healthy to me. Even if there is a safeword, a good sub knows the proper time to use it and also knows by using it she isn't controlling a situation, she is just making sure of her safety. It's not about controlling a situation, it's about your overall health and if the dominant is as concerned with his/her sub's well-being, as he/she should be, safewords are the way to go.

i couldn't agree more.

My Sir and i have established safewords.... the red, yellow and green. We also established "pale", because i have several physical impairments that may cause me to need to stop, so in those cases, i would say "pale" letting him know that something has to change right then. Because of my body's requirements, not mine as a sub.

As far as the red, yellow and green... i don't believe that having those words at my disposal gives me any form of "control" in the situation. My Sir knows me well enough to know that i would never ever use them unless there was something wrong.

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

Re: safe words

I have to agree and say safe words are necessary. A Dom/me and a sub in an established, good, long term relationship may not ever use their words, but the sub should have them in place as an "In case" type thing. Hubby and I use red and yellow. (has been known to yellow his driving on occassion LOL) I have found that some subbies use their safe words as an out, but in time, learn also that they are cheating no one but themselves when they do.
As for being gagged or otherwise unable to speak, we use a clip. I hold it in my hand and only drop it when I am extremely distressed. I feel that it is not just up to him to push my boundries, but for me to push them as well to please him.
I must say, I like the clicker idea though, but a question....what happens if they become so distressed that they don't click the clicker?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

My own position on safe words is like what some people say about guns: better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

In play I've used my given name, or even hers. I figure it's the last thing she'll ever forget, and hearing someone speak your full name immediately gets your attention.

When gagged I'm going to try the three-grunts method. I wanted to try Morse Code SOS (3 short, 3 long, 3 short), but that takes too mcuh time and besides, she might forget. I don't know about the dropped ball business because her hands are often behind her and out of sight.

---dr.M.

 

[A Desert Rose]

My own position on safe words is like what some people say about guns: better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

---dr.M.

Good analogy.

 

[ownedsubgal]

With all due respect, this doesn't sound healthy to me. Even if there is a safeword, a good sub knows the proper time to use it and also knows by using it she isn't controlling a situation, she is just making sure of her safety. It's not about controlling a situation, it's about your overall health and if the dominant is as concerned with his/her sub's well-being, as he/she should be, safewords are the way to go.

i respectfully disagree. no one could care more for their property than my Master does for his most treasured possession, his slave...having a safeword wouldn't add any security or safety to any situation for us, and would only serve to leave me with an "out" so to speak. even if it is for a legitimate reason such as a health/physical/emotional concern he may not intend and may not be aware of. as i'm sure most of the Dominants here do with their own, my Master checks on me often...by observing me, and by asking me certain questions that may seem unrelated to the situation at hand, but which give him a good idea of exactly where my head is at that moment. if i am in a place he does not wish me to be, whether physically or emotionally, then he'll adjust what he's doing. but only he can make that judgement call, not me. by having a safeword i would be judging what is too much, or too far. i would in effect be having limits. and those, as a slave, i do not have. i do realize that some slaves do have safewords, and if their Owner has willed that to be the case, then i have no issue with it. it just does not follow with the meaning of "slave" to my Master and i.

 

[SierraMoon]

i respectfully disagree. no one could care more for their property than my Master does for his most treasured possession, his slave...having a safeword wouldn't add any security or safety to any situation for us, and would only serve to leave me with an "out" so to speak. even if it is for a legitimate reason such as a health/physical/emotional concern he may not intend and may not be aware of. as i'm sure most of the Dominants here do with their own, my Master checks on me often...by observing me, and by asking me certain questions that may seem unrelated to the situation at hand, but which give him a good idea of exactly where my head is at that moment. if i am in a place he does not wish me to be, whether physically or emotionally, then he'll adjust what he's doing. but only he can make that judgement call, not me. by having a safeword i would be judging what is too much, or too far. i would in effect be having limits. and those, as a slave, i do not have. i do realize that some slaves do have safewords, and if their Owner has willed that to be the case, then i have no issue with it. it just does not follow with the meaning of "slave" to my Master and i.

To each their own

 

[Quint]

Yes. Yellow and red. If I'm gagged, I either snap or tap him, depending on if my arms are bound or not.

 

[BlueSugar]

We chose a safe word ("Poodle"... inspiration from Choke by Chuck Palinuick) but haven't used it yet, we're very comfortable with each other.
As for when i cannot speak, or words don't come to my mind and when the words "stop, don't" are within the fantasy to help it develop... when I can't catch my breath, or cannot speak bc of a gag, I Make Eye contact with him or tap him/something 3 times or so very urgently and he gets the message quickly.

 

[Peter2002]

The ultimate "safe" word

Please

 

[SierraMoon]

Re: The ultimate "safe" word

Please

How so? Don't you believe it could be taken in many different ways?

i am interested in your thoughts on this... if you would, please.

 

[Peter2002]

Re: Re: The ultimate "safe" word

How so? Don't you believe it could be taken in many different ways?

i am interested in your thoughts on this... if you would, please.

Well, since you said "please"

Dear Sierra (if I may be so familiar),

"Please" is meant to stop whatever is going on. Whether pleaserable or not or some combination of the two.

Sometimes it can be employed if a girl needs a break.

For example:

"Please, Sir."

"Yes, Sweetheart?"

"How many more?"

"Twelve. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

Leaning down and holding her face in his hands, kissing her on the forehead and saying, "Then count."

"Thank you Sir. Yes Sir."

(He picks up the cane again.)

Or it can be employed if she thinks she has reached her limit, as in:

"Please. Please. Please."

"Yes, Littleone?"

"I'm sorry, Sir. I can't take anymore."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry."

"Why..."

There is a degree of amibguity or open-endedness about it. But that's what I like. It forces dialoague and -- hopefully -- mutual understanding.

Strictly speaking it is not a safe word.

As someone who respects limits -- but is nevertheless committed to expanding them -- it works. I does require sensitivity on my part to make sure I take things in the right direction, to be responsive to physical and emotional needs and limits, but that's what I like: control.

Control comes hand in hand with responsibility.

The first time I'm with someone and she says "please" I come to a complete halt.

I won't continue in that vein, unless she consents.

So it can function as a safe word.

But as we get to know each other, "please" becomes a signal that means -- at a minimum -- we need to talk.

To me, "please" is both more flexible and poetic than a "pure" safe-word, like, say, "red".

"Please" is a lovely word in the lexicon of love and lust.

I hope, Dear Lady, that this answer pleases you.

 

[Etoile]

Do you use safe words? What are they?

What do you do when she's gagged?

No, Daddy and I have never used safewords. The one time I needed to stop the action was when I had been left alone and my blood pressure dropped and I was on the verge of passing out. The way I was bound, going limp might have injured me, so I just screamed gutturally from behind my trainer and Daddy came. (I would not normally have made a peep, so something was obviously wrong.) Although I recognize OSG's perspective and normally follow the same, in that situation it was my responsibility to be aware of my state - Daddy had chosen to give me the responsibility, so it was no assumption of power on my part. Overall, though, we have never used safewords; this is not by pre-agreement (negotiations) but is just the way we are.

I do take offense at the phrase "she's gagged" vs. "the sub is gagged," though. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/look-away.gif

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Safe Words

I do take offense at the phrase "she's gagged" vs. "the sub is gagged," though. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/look-away.gif

I left gender out of my reply
I just didn't bother with Spivak

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

I left gender out of my reply
I just didn't bother with Spivak

I know you left it out, and I wouldn't expect you to use Spivak pronouns. I was just referring to the original post.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Safe Words

I know you left it out, and I wouldn't expect you to use Spivak pronouns. I was just referring to the original post.

Just had to tweak you a bit babe