Safe word

[Titwhips]

I was recently asked at the beginning of a session what my safe word was. I shocked my dom by replying "my tits are to never be safe around you... do to them as you please ". The smile that crossed his face... i think I'm totally fucked....

 

[Kevinjkson]

While on the one hand I love the mischievousness and the tone of the "i think I'm totally fucked" comment - I have to say that it is not a good practice to eschew a safeword. Even if you don't plan to use it, it is for sure a best practice to have one and to agree to it with your Dominant as part of your contract for play.

Obviously if this is a repeat play partner or someone that you are in a relationship with, and you want to go without a safeword (as my amazing slave does with me, for example), so be it. But certainly with anyone occasional, an unused safeword is far better than no safeword and need to use one.

As pilots are fond of saying, there is no benefit to fuel left in the tank on the ground, or runway behind you...

 

[Ad_hominem]

Maybe if it's so light and mild that there's no risk of accidentally going too far, then sure. Like some handcuffs and a light spanking.

But if somebody wanted me to get more wild with them, like punishment, choking, CNC, etc, I need them to be responsible enough to communicate effectively when needed, which requires safe-words or safe-signs(if gagged). Otherwise I'm not comfortable risking destroying our relationship, injuring them, traumatizing them, or just giving them a miserable experience they genuinely didn't enjoy. It's not worth the risk.

 

[apom]

I know it's not conventional, but safe words defeat the purpose for me. I'm sorry.

 

[BornNorCal]

I know it's not conventional, but safe words defeat the purpose for me. I'm sorry.

You don't have to apologize. It's just curious that you can't ever see yourself in a scenario where you would have second thoughts or change your mind.

 

[vibes]

I know it's not conventional, but safe words defeat the purpose for me. I'm sorry.

I guess safe words come in use when exceptional circumstances make the purpose unsuitable

 

[apom]

You don't have to apologize. It's just curious that you can't ever see yourself in a scenario where you would have second thoughts or change your mind.

Oh, I definitely can, but the whole point for me is not having that choice.

 

[Annabelle1990]

I trust my boys so we don't have safe words. They can do with me as they will.

 

[apom]

I guess safe words come in use when exceptional circumstances make the purpose unsuitable

I guess I'm willing to risk a lot for the privilege of being able to truly give everything.

 

[BornNorCal]

I guess I'm willing to risk a lot for the privilege of being able to truly give everything.

There is something to be said about the feeling of being with someone you can trust enough to find that headspace and not question intentions.

 

[apom]

There is something to be said about the feeling of being with someone you can trust enough to find that headspace and not question intentions.

Or just the feeling of the life you live and the body you inhabit, of all choice and the direction of your existence truly belonging to someone else.

 

[vaubwobdc]

I’m not super kinky, but still kinky enough to be at least a bit more likely than the typical person to be in a position to easily hurt a partner on accident. I understand the fantasy aspect of “we don’t have a safe word” but I just can’t imagine being able to comfortably get lost in the play.

Like trust is a super central part of the (real, non-fantasy) sex I have, and we can be certain that neither of us would ever remotely want to do real damage. But intentions aren’t reality; accidents happen; little things can quickly spiral into big issues; hell, spontaneous health issues can happen.

That mechanism for immediately and unambiguously conveying “attention you distracted, currently quite horny idiot, something serious is happening” feels useful even if it never gets used just for the freedom that exists during all that time when it isn’t being said

 

[ChuckWolf]

The one I've used with partners is "Time Out" or "Time!", not so much for things going too far, but just in place in case someone gets a leg cramp, needs to go to the bathroom, etc.

 

[Ad_hominem]

I know it's not conventional, but safe words defeat the purpose for me. I'm sorry.

Soft BDSM it's probably fine with a trusted partner, sure.

But for hard BDSM or CNC,

I wouldn't say it's 'not conventional', I'd honestly say it's reckless and irresponsible and selfish.

Even if it makes you horny to pass off all the responsibility of your safety, it puts any play partner at risk for going to prison.

Because no matter what you say verbally or on paper beforhand, you legally and ethically have the right to revoke consent for any reason. If you don't have a safe word, then No and Stop means No and Stop, and continuing is rape even if you told your partner to not listen to No and Stop.

And if they accidentally injure or kill you, that's assault or or murder. And in many countries is prosecutable with or without the victim involves.

 

[apom]

Soft BDSM it's probably fine with a trusted partner, sure.

But for hard BDSM or CNC,

I wouldn't say it's 'not conventional', I'd honestly say it's reckless and irresponsible and selfish.

Even if it makes you horny to pass off all the responsibility of your safety, it puts any play partner at risk for going to prison.

Because no matter what you say verbally or on paper beforhand, you legally and ethically have the right to revoke consent for any reason. If you don't have a safe word, then No and Stop means No and Stop, and continuing is rape even if you told your partner to not listen to No and Stop.

And if they accidentally injure or kill you, that's assault or or murder. And in many countries is prosecutable with or without the victim involves.

I understand all that, but trust is mutual. I trust them not to maim or kill me and they trust me not to go running to the cops. They have collateral and I think it's a pretty fair swap. They get a piece of meat to use in ways they can't use other females and I get to feel worth being used.

None of it "gets me horny." I haven't felt physical pleasure from sex in a really long time. The idea of being tied up, gang-fucked and smacked around for a weekend was a thing for me years ago but the last thing it does for me anymore is get me excited.

I do what they tell me, and if they tell me to pick a safe word that's what I'll do. But that's their choice to make, not mine. Maybe it is my responsibility to mention it.

I dunno. I'm not great at thinking and usually just do and say what I'm told or what I feel. I apologize to anyone I offended. I'll see if I can find a filter.

 

[Lorelei907]

My safe word is “harder”.

 

[average_red]

Is there such a thing as an unsafe word? Like if a sub wants you to push harder?

 

[Titwhips]

My safe word is “harder”.

Now thats wzup lol

 

[Titwhips]

Is there such a thing as an unsafe word? Like if a sub wants you to push harder?

Hmmm thats a good question...

 

[average_red]

Hmmm thats a good question...

For me growing up I was always told that I had to hold back around other kids because even if they were a lot older and bigger they were simply not as strong or tough as I was. My whole life I was taught to hold back around other people so that I don't break them. Part of what interests me in the BDSM dynamic is the potential of shutting that voice up and just letting loose, not actually hurting anyone particularly, just not holding myself back... But breaking the habits of a lifetime is hard, so I fear that even if I found a real life sub to play with I would end up holding back too much. Do you know if there is a way people tend to get around that problem?

 

[Hypocrites]

Having had one of those relationships and having her needing more and more extreme treatment; I'm still haunted by some of what I was capable of. Since then, I never had a sub without a safe word.