Sadness

[Samandiriel]

Well who would have known...I am human. I can cry.
I can do it almost as well as sitting and staring, in fact.

Yesssssss....let it go sweetie

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

the most frustrating part of life is to feel the pulls of sadness without knowing why i suddenly feel sad. when i wake up in the middle of the night, it's my habit to curl up on my side, tighten the blanket around me, and pretend it's really the arms of the strongest woman i know. knowing my own self worth was more apparant and felt a whole lot better when i was with her. i'm not enough. i would never be enough, and maybe the memory of me is slipping away anyway. or maybe she's hiding it.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I miss you tonight. Although I never truly knew you. In some ways it is easier because I could fabricate in my own mind exactly who I would have wanted you to be. But isn't that what we do as humans anyway?

I wonder if you would have understood me had you been here still. And would I have understood you? Probably not. Even now, sometimes I think I do understand- other days I know I don't.

And here I am again. Same cycle. Third time around. I was your third. He will be my third. You lost none. I have lost one. And I lost you.

Pain and sadness will always be part of this journey for me because of you. I don't have the happy memories that I should have. I don't feel as if something is owed to me. It is that something was taken away. Too early. I wasn't ready yet.

You should have stayed a little bit longer.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

where is Miss Aurora? I miss her...

 

[AppleBiter]

I miss my brother. And, I'm angry for all of the wonderful things about him that my child will never know. Sure, he'll have photographs and stories . . . but he'll never KNOW his uncle. Will he care? Will he ever know how much my brother meant to our family? Or, will my brother forever be "that uncle that died before I was born." It breaks my heart -- the possiblility that my son will have no feelings, either way, toward my brother. If I'd known . . . God, if I'd known . . . we would've had children sooner.

He was so happy to find out that I was pregnant . . . . . .

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Fuck

 

[AppleBiter]

My heart is broken, yet I'm still alive. How on earth?

I wonder that every day. It's amazing, the amount of pain that we can live through.

 

[arienette]

Page 7!?
Good to know there's not many sad people among the AH.

Soo...on with my sadness.
Slipped up. It had been about 8 months. Down the drain.

 

[AppleBiter]

I just want one more day. One more hour. One more minute. One more second. God, what I wouldn't give for just one more chance to say all that I wanted to say, to hear his voice again, to hug him one last time. This is never going to be okay, is it?

Bad day.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Found a lump in my left breast about six weeks ago now. Have had mammogram and ultrasound. Found out there are two lumps, one 1 inch in diameter and one 3/4 inch in diameter. Had my surgical consult today. I don't want to be going through this again. I'm only 31. I'm sure everything will be fine but that doesn't wipe away the fear. I went in today and my blood pressure was 130 over 104. The nurse gave me a hard time even though I told her it was 112 over 78 last time I had it taken a few weeks ago. The doctor came in and said it was fine. Everybody's blood pressure goes up there. I know this is going to be fine so why am I still freaking out?

 

[MagicaPractica]

I miss my brother. And, I'm angry for all of the wonderful things about him that my child will never know. Sure, he'll have photographs and stories . . . but he'll never KNOW his uncle. Will he care? Will he ever know how much my brother meant to our family? Or, will my brother forever be "that uncle that died before I was born." It breaks my heart -- the possiblility that my son will have no feelings, either way, toward my brother. If I'd known . . . God, if I'd known . . . we would've had children sooner.

He was so happy to find out that I was pregnant . . . . . .

One of my Uncles died a few months before I was born. I've never met him, never even saw a picture of him, but I always felt a special bond with him. Then I found out that my Aunt was in the delivery room with my Mother. My sister sees sprirts at times and has seen my Uncle. She says he watches over my Aunt. I believe he was there when I was born. To people who don't believe this may sound silly but I believe you can be closer to people who reside on the other side than people who are currently here.

 

[Lady_Kit]

I long to leave my sadness here; to deposit my pain in the anonymous world of the internet, but I don't belong here; it's not my place, not my neighborhood. I have no story to anchor me to the AH, nothing to make me a part of the community. Reading the posts I feel like a voyeur, watching from outside, face pressed to the glass, hoping for, and fearing, notice. Or am I just a thief, stealing a space reserved for someone else; littering the thread with my tears? Does it matter that I don't belong? If no one noticed would I feel purged of the hurt anyway?

Once my infrequent visits were enough to grant me a moment of peace, a second between tears; now they leave me feeling a greater sense of isolation. The lives I see here seem so different than my own; so connected and tangible. Where has my life gone? When did I loose sight of myself? Why didn’t anyone around me notice? Have I become invisible in the Real World?

In writing this do I get closer to who I was or further away? Have I come to the point that I write this to rid my heart of the hurt or just to gain sympathy from strangers? And if I use the space for just this moment without ever sharing anything else of myself with the others here what does that make me? Do I care? Does anyone else?

In the end it doesn’t matter. I'm trapped in a place from which there is no escape, just walls that rise higher and higher around me. Expectations, responsibilities, a role that binds me to words and actions that come from a woman I no longer know.

Maybe I should keep my sadness after all. It, at least, is familiar and fills the hole where my heart should be. Maybe I’ll just refill my glass and try to sleep away the moment. Tomorrow is another day; things are bound to get better.

Aren’t they?

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I long to leave my sadness here; to deposit my pain in the anonymous world of the internet, but I don't belong here; it's not my place,

In the end it doesn’t matter. I'm trapped in a place from which there is no escape, just walls that rise higher and higher around me.

You echo what I sit with... powerful words you have said. Sometimes I feel that sharing is better than not sharing at all, at other times I choose to be totally alone with my thoughts and feelings and tell no one.

Perhaps people like you and I are neighbours. Each of us in our own little home and we're tapping messages to each other on the wall that separates us. Tap tap... Are you there?

 

[Lady_Kit]

Perhaps people like you and I are neighbours. Each of us in our own little home and we're tapping messages to each other on the wall that separates us. Tap tap... Are you there?

American POWs used The Tap Code to ease the pain and isolation while they were prisoners of war in North Vietnam. I began tapping on the high walls of my personal prison last night hoping that someone would hear. And someone did. Thank you, Nirvana & Magica for tapping back and letting me know that I wasn't alone in the dark.

 

[Aurora Black]

These past few days have been no picnic. Nightmares of people trying to kill my 2-year old niece, for example. She never hurt anybody, so why would anyone want to hurt her? They'd have to go through me for that!

Today's my anniversary with my guy (6 years since we met online, and 5 since I moved in with him) and I had to spend it alone. He called me from the base and we talked for a while, but it wasn't the same without him physically there, you know?

I'm also torn about a story that I want to do for Non-Consent. The story is screaming to be told, but the category repulses me. I will write it because I've never been one to back down from anything once I set my mind to it, but I know it will be a hard uphill climb that will tear open old wounds.

 

[Lady_Kit]

I will write it because I've never been one to back down from anything once I set my mind to it, but I know it will be a hard uphill climb that will tear open old wounds.

And people wil be around to support you, just as they did me a few days ago.

That gift of support was given to me. May I offer it back to you?

 

[Aurora Black]

And people wil be around to support you, just as they did me a few days ago.

That gift of support was given to me. May I offer it back to you?

I'm so sorry that I missed this earlier.

Please. I need all the help I can get. And thank you for the offer.

 

[CharleyH]

This is a response to Ari's blurt in the Venom thread:



So here it is. Purge yourselves of your sadness until the forum weeps from the burden (instead of you, because you'll have gotten it out of your system).

there is my sadness

Edit to add - I meant to say here it is again:

 

[Aurora Black]

there is my sadness

It's good that you're in such high spirits, hon. Not good for the thread, but...

 

[CharleyH]

It's good that you're in such high spirits, hon. Not good for the thread, but...

Why is happiness not good for the thread? (you happy bitch!) Should we all just give up and think of ourselves as losers instead?

 

[Aurora Black]

Why is happiness not good for the thread? (you happy bitch!) Should we all just give up and think of ourselves as losers instead?

I consider this more of a dumping ground for negativity more than a pity party, but either way this is the place to vent.

 

[CharleyH]

I consider this more of a dumping ground for negativity more than a pity party, but either way this is the place to vent.

What's the difference, though?

 

[Aurora Black]

What's the difference, though?

The former means that the poster has had a bad day and just wants to relieve the burden, while the latter happens when the person stews in it for a while.

*rubs eyes* Oh, crap. It's 2am. Am I making any sense?

 

[arienette]

Yeah, things do bother me. When I said I had to go get cigarettes I lied. I just needed to get away from you and every song you're still writing about her.

 

[Aurora Black]

Yeah, things do bother me. When I said I had to go get cigarettes I lied. I just needed to get away from you and every song you're still writing about her.

Ouch.