SAD STORY : Very Interested In Opinions

[Unsung Muse]

Hello!

I realize the old 'tear-jerker' is not a big draw here...
but I would be very grateful for all thoughts, advice, input & feedback
~ from anyone who can spare the time:

"The Seventh Snowfall"


Many Thanks!

 

[H.P. Lustcraft]

Hello,

I read your story, it was wonderful,I posted a public comment that goes into a bit mor detail.


HPL

 

[Unsung Muse]

Hello,
I read your story, it was wonderful,I posted a public comment that goes into a bit mor detail. HPL

Thank you so much for taking the time. Your post hasn't appeared yet ~ I really looking forward to reading your thoughts!

 

[blondi84]

I really liked your story, but I want more!

 

[Unsung Muse]

I really liked your story, but I want more!

Thanks!!
I'm not sure I'd ever do a follow up to this one though...
then again, who knows!?!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Muse,

I like your story, but I don't quite love it.

Angels landed seven feet from our front door. It must have happened while we napped by the fire this afternoon. I am surprised we did not hear them - the playful flutter of their wings should have stirred us, their contaminated laughter should have funneled into our sleep.

In the twilight, the evidence of their trespass is very real and very fresh.

This is a lovely prologue- prose so beautiful it's almost poetry.


There is a fair amount of classic telling instead of showing:

... she seemed quite pleased with what she saw in my face in response.

Why not just show me Celia's reaction?

She recognized my intention to draw this out.

How does the narrator know this?

There are other examples of this sort of thing. Every time if happens, I feel like I'm being cheated out of the opportunity of experiencing what the narrator experiences.

The first sex scene came too soon for me. I didn't know the characters yet and thus I really didn't care if they fucked or licked or whatever. Even though the erotic aspects didn't appeal to me, I still loved this line:

I cannot say it was unwelcome.

Now this:

The Good Lord has taken pity on your sister's unclean soul. He took her this night as she brought forth the fatherless spawn. Praise be, within blessed few hours, He took pity on her unholy seed as well. His forgiveness knows no bounds.

Give Thanks and REPENT, so The Almighty may deliver you from the foul clutch of evil.

Your Mother prays for you, as ever. ~ Pastor J. Harmen

That is perfect. Just perfect. There is no other word to describe it.

We welcomed Charlotte into our home and she soon changed our lives forever.

Though she'd been conditioned to abhor us, all her young life, she came to love us. She studied us openly. She asked profoundly intimate questions that kept us 'in stitches', if not 'on our toes'. She filled our lives with youthful curiosity. Celia and I rediscovered the boundlessness of our love – through new eyes – right along side her.

By the middle of July, Charlotte's deep new affection for the lost eldest sister she was never permitted to know, and for me as well, reached out and granted us a paramount gift: the life that grew inside her. Our daughters.

The above is a fine storyline. It has a realistic feel and is potentially touching, but I would have enjoyed it more had these events been revealed over the course of a few scenes rather than just having it handed to me as a history lesson. Seeing Charlotte and hearing Charlotte I might have gotten to know Charlotte enough to be moved to tears by subsequent events.

Celia giggled the whole time, while shouting breathlessly to Charlotte that the twins would make their very first snow angels right here.

At this point, I had a good idea what the rest of the story held. This really dissolved the suspense for me. The only question I had was how did it happen, and this question went intentionally, and brilliantly, unanswered.


It's still a good story, but I think you could have made me cry with a slower pace and more focus on the non-sexual aspects of the tale.

I adore your vague ending. That and the pastor's letter are just perfect.

Great title too.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Unsung Muse]

I like your story, but I don't quite love it...

This was the message I was waiting/hoping for, Thank you!!
Yes, it is VERY helpful.

You're awesome,

 

[HLD]

I realize the old 'tear-jerker' is not a big draw here...

I disagree. Most of the stories here are just fuck stories. Some are good. Some are bad. Most are in between.

However, in all of the best stories, the author makes a connection with the reader. Whether it makes them laugh or cry, scares them or turns them on, if an author can't get someone to invest emotionally in the characters, then their story will be long forgotten.

I enjoyed your story. I would have been good even without any sexual content at all.

 

[Unsung Muse]

I disagree. Most of the stories here are just fuck stories. Some are good. Some are bad. Most are in between...
I enjoyed your story. I would have been good even without any sexual content at all.

Thank you for taking the time, HLD.
I really appreciate it!