Sad Poem from a while ago

[UkRage]

I wrote this after a relationship breakup.
Feel free to give me critisism too
Empty
Where's the love you took from me
How am I supposed to carry on
Just emptiness inside me
Where the flame of love burned so strong

Where has it gone that burning flame of love
Where's it gone
How am I supposed to carry on

No more the tenderness
What happened to the love we shared
No more the warm caress
Just emptiness & despair

I see my dreams burn before my eyes

I'm left with yesterday
Left with trouble on my mind
No more the warm caress
Just emptiness & despair

I see my dreams burn before my eyes

 

[bogusbrig]

I wrote this after a relationship breakup.
Feel free to give me critisism too

Where's the love you took from me
How am I supposed to carry on
Just emptiness inside me
Where the flame of love burned so strong

Where has it gone that burning flame of love
Where's it gone
How am I supposed to carry on

No more the tenderness
What happened to the love we shared
No more the warm caress
Just emptiness & despair

I see my dreams burn before my eyes

I'm left with yesterday
Left with trouble on my mind
No more the warm caress
Just emptiness & despair

I see my dreams burn before my eyes


Are you angry, sad, bitter or angst ridden? I really can't tell. You ask banal questions and make banal statements. As a reader, it leaves me not really caring.

You really need to look inside yourself and describe in metaphor or brutal objective statement or other means, as to how you feel.

Do you feel as though your guts have been twisted and ripped out? This emptiness you experience, describe it, don't just say you feel an emptiness. If you really feel it, the chances are the reader would have also and recognise the feeling you are experiencing. To just say you are empty could mean you need a good meal.

Despair is just a word. How do you experience this despair? Do you have images in your head of your ex? How do they manifest themselves? Are there things in your possession or left lying around that remind you of her and seem to mock you?

Live the experience. Don't make a shopping list of cliches that you think your readers will recognise.

 

[UkRage]

Wow Thanks for the words of Advice, I was full of hurt and anger but i guess the words didn't express that.
I will think long and hard about this and try and to create something a lot more expressive in the future.
Thanks again

 

[bluerains]

I think

You have touched the pulse of the poem here...blue