dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
You know what I sense here? In between all the alliteration I detect a lovely little haiku trying to get out. The first few lines and the last say haiku spirit to me.
Despite the lovely centered layout, I assume that this is a poem to be read aloud? The alliterations are cute. For a while.
I like that you used "immer" in a line. German, right? Always?
What color is the loon's song? Does it really taste like fish? I don't think so. I think it tastes like rings of dark water with the moon upon it. I think it tastes like moss and wet stones. I think the loon is calling to all of us from under deep water, and blowing blueberries in her sleep. And I think the night takes her orders from the loon. I know I would.
I love you all
Your humble servant
---dr.M.
Despite the lovely centered layout, I assume that this is a poem to be read aloud? The alliterations are cute. For a while.
I like that you used "immer" in a line. German, right? Always?
What color is the loon's song? Does it really taste like fish? I don't think so. I think it tastes like rings of dark water with the moon upon it. I think it tastes like moss and wet stones. I think the loon is calling to all of us from under deep water, and blowing blueberries in her sleep. And I think the night takes her orders from the loon. I know I would.
I love you all
Your humble servant
---dr.M.
