Ruthless

[kimbernee]

I've always liked it hard and fast and my nipples only respond to pain, not pleasure, but I've never thought I wanted anything like BDSM. My current BF is really responsive to what I like and the result is that things are getting rougher but it's topping from the bottom (in BDSM terms)--it's all about pleasing me. Then more and more there are flashes of him being totally ruthless in my fantasies. I still don't think I want to be in a BDSM relationship and I don't think he does either. I don't know what I want but I suspect he'd play along with anything I was getting off on. So what am I? I sometimes imagine him doing very painful things to me only they feel so good and anything even moderately painful he does to me I replay in my head. The other day he bit me hard, outside of sex play, and I reacted the way a "normal" girl would only I wish I hadn't because I can't stop thinking about it.

 

[FungiUg]

Er... yes?

Enjoying rough sex doesn't necessarily equate to wanting a full BDSM-oriented relationship.

And there are such animals as masochistic dominants. You may be one.

Abuse on the other hand... no acceptable. Ever.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[nh23]

I've always liked it hard and fast and my nipples only respond to pain, not pleasure, but I've never thought I wanted anything like BDSM. My current BF is really responsive to what I like and the result is that things are getting rougher but it's topping from the bottom (in BDSM terms)--it's all about pleasing me. Then more and more there are flashes of him being totally ruthless in my fantasies. I still don't think I want to be in a BDSM relationship and I don't think he does either. I don't know what I want but I suspect he'd play along with anything I was getting off on. So what am I? I sometimes imagine him doing very painful things to me only they feel so good and anything even moderately painful he does to me I replay in my head. The other day he bit me hard, outside of sex play, and I reacted the way a "normal" girl would only I wish I hadn't because I can't stop thinking about it.

I think CM had great advice. I just wanted to point out a few things. What I highlighted in red in your post. Even if you don't want to pursue a BDSM lifestyle you could still go over a checklist with your partner to see what types of play turn you on. Just realize that everything in fantasies is not the same in real life. You may think it would be something you would enjoy and then totally hate it. I would start slow and build up to see what you enjoy.

 

[Homburg]

If the dominance aspect doesn't interest you, you could simply be interested in the sensations. Bottoming as opposed to submitting, as it were. The sensations of rough play are great fun, and do not in any way require a power exchange to pull off.

 

[amadaun]

I second what FungiUg said... just because you want your sex a little rougher doesn't mean you have to want to be all submissive, all the time, even outside of the bedroom.

I'm not great with the whole relationship-psychology thing, but I suspect that if you and your boyfriend have good enough communication and the "kinky dynamic" that you've been able to tell him what ways you like to be hurt (and he's been gladly doing it), you probably can tell him that you wish he'd be rough with you and *take* what he wants rather than just doing what you like at your direction.

 

[Shankara20]

The other day he bit me hard, outside of sex play, and I reacted the way a "normal" girl would only I wish I hadn't because I can't stop thinking about it.

This just set off my abuse radar.
Something like this outside a consensual established mutually discussed and mutually agreed to relationship dynamic is abuse. If you even slightly think you are in a dangerous/unsafe/unwanted place I recommended you call your local domestic violence hot line and discuss this with a trained individual.

A health relationship can have rough sex - it does need to be talked about and boundaries set.

 

[kimbernee]

Oh, sorry, no. It was a very playful bite. Made me yelp and turned me on both but no teeth marks or blood or any harm done. He's the last sort to be abusive which perhaps is why I don't understand some of the pictures I have of him in my head.

 

[Shankara20]

Oh, sorry, no. It was a very playful bite. Made me yelp and turned me on both but no teeth marks or blood or any harm done. He's the last sort to be abusive which perhaps is why I don't understand some of the pictures I have of him in my head.

cool, sorry about being a bit jumpy over this - thanks for clearing it up...

have fun.

 

[myinnerslut]

have you told him how your feeling. from what your saying im gathering that hes ok with things as they are, why push foward into something you dont want?

 

[twysted73]

This just set off my abuse radar.
Something like this outside a consensual established mutually discussed and mutually agreed to relationship dynamic is abuse. If you even slightly think you are in a dangerous/unsafe/unwanted place I recommended you call your local domestic violence hot line and discuss this with a trained individual.

A health relationship can have rough sex - it does need to be talked about and boundaries set.

Abuse radar/alarm/red flag...pyl. Any painful experience might be able to fit into the abuse category up to the point where the person it's effecting enjoys it. She enjoyed something from it. There was an element she can't let go of that's pleasurable to her. If I bite or scratch by accident during sex, and my partner flinches and says stop, but asks for it again later or another time..is it abuse?
"Safe/Sane/Consentual"....like the Pirate's Code...more of a guideline actually. Because what one may think insane, another would feel is the most sane thing in the world. Lables are manifestations of perception. For anyone to apply a generalized term to something so unique as the human perception/opinion is (I feel) an act of futility.

What exactly IS a "healthy" relationship? I would personally define it as ~ a personally enjoyable interaction between two consenting adults who are accepting and comfortable with eachother's desires, limits and boundries.~ End of definition. Anything more would be to apply personal preference. And that's when it crosses over from "A" relationship to "your" relationship.

Without knowing more of what she likes, doesn't mind, prefers to avoid, etc, we really can't suggest too much without involving our own tastes.

 

[Shankara20]

Abuse radar/alarm/red flag...pyl. Any painful experience might be able to fit into the abuse category up to the point where the person it's effecting enjoys it. She enjoyed something from it. There was an element she can't let go of that's pleasurable to her. If I bite or scratch by accident during sex, and my partner flinches and says stop, but asks for it again later or another time..is it abuse?
"Safe/Sane/Consentual"....like the Pirate's Code...more of a guideline actually. Because what one may think insane, another would feel is the most sane thing in the world. Lables are manifestations of perception. For anyone to apply a generalized term to something so unique as the human perception/opinion is (I feel) an act of futility.

What exactly IS a "healthy" relationship? I would personally define it as ~ a personally enjoyable interaction between two consenting adults who are accepting and comfortable with eachother's desires, limits and boundries.~ End of definition. Anything more would be to apply personal preference. And that's when it crosses over from "A" relationship to "your" relationship.

Without knowing more of what she likes, doesn't mind, prefers to avoid, etc, we really can't suggest too much without involving our own tastes.

I agree - I was a bit fine tuned when I posted that and tried to soften my concern in a later post.

Thanks for adding your POV.

 

[kimbernee]

I appreciate the feedback. I've learned a lot reading here about how much variety there is in what you do and what you want. I always found BDSM fantasies very erotic but never thought I'd want to do any of it IRL. Now that I find myself doing some of it, I need to take a step back and review.

I think I've figured out that I'm not submissive IRL, though I enjoy the fantasy sometimes. But certain types of pain are very erotic and pleasurable for me. When I'm the focus of all the attention, whether he's doing things that some people would find pleasurable or painful, I feel like he's serving me, not that I'm serving him. I want him to take control because it deepens the focus on me and lessens my responsibility to him. It's very selfish I'm being!

I don't yet know what kinds of pain will feel good and which bad because I haven't experienced most of them but I have an intuitive idea and I'm willing to learn. I know I don't want to be suffering pain. I want to be relishing it.

He seems to get off mostly on getting me off but I do need to check with him that I'm not really being selfish. Or being selfish only in a way we both thoroughly enjoy.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think I've figured out that I'm not submissive IRL, though I enjoy the fantasy sometimes. But certain types of pain are very erotic and pleasurable for me. When I'm the focus of all the attention, whether he's doing things that some people would find pleasurable or painful, I feel like he's serving me, not that I'm serving him. I want him to take control because it deepens the focus on me and lessens my responsibility to him. It's very selfish I'm being!

I felt just like this when I first persuaded a guy to experiment with BDSM a little. A big part of the thrill of painplay for me is the unpredictability of a dominant partner. If it was just pain that got me off I could masturbate while paddling my ass and save him the trouble! It does feel selfish but only until your partner starts getting into the role and genuinely enjoying it for himself. When it becomes something he wants to do voluntarily it will feel more like submission.

I don't yet know what kinds of pain will feel good and which bad because I haven't experienced most of them but I have an intuitive idea and I'm willing to learn. I know I don't want to be suffering pain. I want to be relishing it. He seems to get off mostly on getting me off but I do need to check with him that I'm not really being selfish. Or being selfish only in a way we both thoroughly enjoy.

It's great that your guy is willing to experiment and to begin with, if this is something he has no natural inclination towards, getting you off will remain the reward he gets from BDSM. When something really turns you on and your lover can see that and feel like a stud he's likely to be willing to try it again. Trick is to set the ball rolling and then step back and let him become comfortable with BDSM in his own time. It's possible that he won't ever really be into it for himself but that's his decision and you'll have to respect it. If he does get into his dominant role a bit more, allow him to decide what HE wants to do rather than push him towards what you want.

Best of luck

 

[twysted73]

I felt just like this when I first persuaded a guy to experiment with BDSM a little. A big part of the thrill of painplay for me is the unpredictability of a dominant partner. If it was just pain that got me off I could masturbate while paddling my ass and save him the trouble! It does feel selfish but only until your partner starts getting into the role and genuinely enjoying it for himself. When it becomes something he wants to do voluntarily it will feel more like submission.



It's great that your guy is willing to experiment and to begin with, if this is something he has no natural inclination towards, getting you off will remain the reward he gets from BDSM. When something really turns you on and your lover can see that and feel like a stud he's likely to be willing to try it again. Trick is to set the ball rolling and then step back and let him become comfortable with BDSM in his own time. It's possible that he won't ever really be into it for himself but that's his decision and you'll have to respect it. If he does get into his dominant role a bit more, allow him to decide what HE wants to do rather than push him towards what you want.

Best of luck

Well said.