Running scared

[cutedemon]

A question to all of the subs: how do you deal with the fear of giving up control of a situation to your Dom/me? I don't know if my Dom has realized this, but I've a tendency to act up (ie call him bitch boy, not put things where he tells me to, things of this nature) to keep myself from feeling like I have no control over the situation I'm in. I willingly submit to him, but I always try to have some little thing that I do that shows that I have a mind of my own (although it gets me punished later on). I don't want act up, but my fear gets in the way. How have you gotten over your fear of letting go?

 

[Kajira Callista]

A question to all of the subs: how do you deal with the fear of giving up control of a situation to your Dom/me? I don't know if my Dom has realized this, but I've a tendency to act up (ie call him bitch boy, not put things where he tells me to, things of this nature) to keep myself from feeling like I have no control over the situation I'm in. I willingly submit to him, but I always try to have some little thing that I do that shows that I have a mind of my own (although it gets me punished later on). I don't want act up, but my fear gets in the way. How have you gotten over your fear of letting go?

Remember that you trust him, remember why, and let go.

 

[cutedemon]

Re: Re: Running scared

Remember that you trust him, remember why, and let go.

I've been trying that. As much as I love and trust Him, I ran. After much talking and crying and cuddling and hurt feelings and Him taking away my collars (which led to more crying and talking), We decided to turn to Lit. Any help on how to break it down to make giving Him control more manageable?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: Re: Re: Running scared

I've been trying that. As much as I love and trust Him, I ran. After much talking and crying and cuddling and hurt feelings and Him taking away my collars (which led to more crying and talking), We decided to turn to Lit. Any help on how to break it down to make giving Him control more manageable?

its something that has to come from inside you. keep the communication open and tell him when you start to feel like not letting go, after a few times maybe one or both of you can see where the problem is.

 

[sunfox]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Running scared

its something that has to come from inside you. keep the communication open and tell him when you start to feel like not letting go, after a few times maybe one or both of you can see where the problem is.

I agree completely here.

Communication. Every time you feel that desire to do something against his wishes on purpose, every time you feel you can't deal with things or have no control... talk to him. Discuss it.

And remember that you always do have control of some things, and your control of your life included choosing him.

 

[NCShin]

speaking honestly here. If in a scene, the submisive that i was with called me "bitch boy" I wouldn't punish her. I'd end the scene right there.

I've been awake now only about 3.5 minutes, so i won't elaberate on that and just go read a few other posts.

 

[Shadowsdream]

speaking honestly here. If in a scene, the submisive that i was with called me "bitch boy" I wouldn't punish her. I'd end the scene right there.

I've been awake now only about 3.5 minutes, so i won't elaberate on that and just go read a few other posts.

piggy backing...

I would find this inexcusable....and perfectly understandable why a collar would have been removed.

This is not brattiness this is disrespect.

It is time for you both to take off the rose colored glasses and look deeply into who you are and what you really want. Once a collar has been brought into the mix the seriousness of the relationship should have been spelled out and accepted with no doubts what so ever.

I would hope that the collar was not given before a year into the relationship at the very best, when all of the warts had been worked out and trust was a firmly established reality on both sides.

To have to constantly deal with such disrespectful behaviour can easily undermine the confidence and desire of a Dominant. Once He loses the lust to dominate you any such acts will simply revert to role play until He may completely distanced Himself emotionally.

Removing the rose colored glasses allows each to see the reality of the relationship and the parties in it. It is not unusual to discover who and what W/we thought W/we had was an illusion.

only the two of you can know if the glasses I sense are the glasses you look through or not....just a thought

 

[cutedemon]

I haven't been collared. They were just my play collars and the one I wear in public if I want to. Taking them away from me was His way of showing me how dissappointed he was in me.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I haven't been collared. They were just my play collars and the one I wear in public if I want to. Taking them away from me was His way of showing me how dissappointed he was in me.

~~smile~~ thank you for clarifying that....

 

[cutedemon]

~~smile~~ thank you for clarifying that....

I had completely forgotten while I was writing the post about people being collared and the significance of it, mostly because I have been in my relationship for only three months and have no plans on being collared.

 

[NCShin]

i don't think the collar matters. You want to submit to someone or you don't. If you're calling him names other than the ones he designates, then you don't want to.

Calling someone bitch boy isn't the same as a momentary lasp in concentration or memory and calling him by his name or some other pet name.

I think you need to spend some time in front of a mirror and decide if you are the person you think you are.

 

[MastrJ]

Thank you for the posts so far. Communication is something that does need to be worked on. She isn't a very communicative person when it comes to her feelings and that is something I've been working very hard to break through. Calling me bitchboy is very disrespectful. I've let it go because while it didn't fit into the scene, it did fit in with how we and our group of friends interact. After last night she now knows how much she's hurt me and how much she's damaged the trust I had in her.

I've known some of the things she did were simply to prove that she's her own person. That's one of the things I love about her. I don't want a submissive that can't think for herself in life. I think that some of her reluctance is in coming to terms with being a submissive. I've seen some other posts from submissives here that spoke of a "wall" they had to work through to when they realized what they wanted.

Thanks again for the posts so far. I'm also sorry for the confusion over the collar issue. We do know how important and significant a COLLAR is. I've only taken away her collars. She'll get them back as she earns back trust from me. A chance I wouldn't offer her if I didn't think she could or if I didn't think she wanted.

 

[shelleb4]

Getting over a wall of fear is something i can equate with. Having only recently started this milarky, the trust thing takes guts but more it takes knowing your partner very well, knowing your limits and absolute trust that he will not go where youve said NO to. Perhaps instead of insulting him, you could stop the scene and take a few minutes to compose yourself into a better frame of mind? And if you cant, then stop it alltogether.

Communication is obviously the tool you both need to resolve this, however you both decide is best.

For me, i get over the fear by thinking a) he has never overstepped the mark b) the fear is anticipatory, the scene is never fearful, just the thought of it. c) if im trying to prove that im only being sub coz i choose to Mr, a quick reminder with 'that' look sorts things from fear, to let the show begin!

Do you respect him? and if so, why are you being so disprespectful? Would he be allowed to disrespect you? Whats all that about eh? ummm?

 

[A Desert Rose]

... To have to constantly deal with such disrespectful behaviour can easily undermine the confidence and desire of a Dominant. Once He loses the lust to dominate you any such acts will simply revert to role play until He may completely distanced Himself emotionally...

Words to live by.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Words to live by.

hello rosy girl

 

[DustyWolfe]

I agree with what has been said thus far.
Brattiness is one thing, disrespect is another.

Instead of acting up to show control, show it in other ways if you can think of them. You shouldn't be scared of not having control if this is truly what you want.

Just remember, that the lack of control in this is your choice. You are giving it up willingly

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Re: Re: Re: Running scared

Any help on how to break it down to make giving Him control more manageable?

This sounds like a hint to self here -- break it down, smaller steps, going more slowly.

Also, sometimes letting, or even making, yourself go more deeply into a feeling can help. When you catch yourself doing something because of fear, say 'i'm scared' outloud and/or do something more direct (hide under a table?) Seriously, giving into the feeling can get you thru it. Using your safeword, even if you aren't in a scene is another way to communicate what your feeling in a way that is more helpful and productive.

Ps. bitchboy doesn't make a very good safeword, I'm guessing

 

[Mr Blonde]

While the expectations of different dom/mes varies greatly, what has been described would be near the absolute maximum of what any dom/me could tolerate after three months of involvement. Many dom/mes would have ended this relationship already.

Sdadowsdream said it very well: "Once He loses the lust to dominate you any such acts will simply revert to role play until He may completely distanced Himself emotionally." I also lose interest if it does not seem to come naturally or feel easy for us to establish the respective roles.

In her most recent post cutedragon said she does not plan on eventually being collared (real collar). MastrJ must see some good to explain all of his patience. Honestly it seems like a lot of energy to invest in a relationship that will be kept to more casual levels. Perhaps there is not much compatibility and both would be better off with more suitable partners?

Regardless, good luck and every relationship faces challenges at some point.

 

[Netzach]

While the expectations of different dom/mes varies greatly, what has been described would be near the absolute maximum of what any dom/me could tolerate after three months of involvement. Many dom/mes would have ended this relationship already.

Sdadowsdream said it very well: "Once He loses the lust to dominate you any such acts will simply revert to role play until He may completely distanced Himself emotionally." I also lose interest if it does not seem to come naturally or feel easy for us to establish the respective roles.

In her most recent post cutedragon said she does not plan on eventually being collared (real collar). MastrJ must see some good to explain all of his patience. Honestly it seems like a lot of energy to invest in a relationship that will be kept to more casual levels. Perhaps there is not much compatibility and both would be better off with more suitable partners?

Regardless, good luck and every relationship faces challenges at some point.

Context context context.

How much D/s do ya want, how much do ya need what should it look like?

Yes M has called me a bitch, yes he's teased me about submitting to him, yes he's outright disobeyed me and done things in ways I personally don't want him to.

Sometimes he's paid a price. And sometimes I've realized I ask too much. He's my boy, he's not my slave, his autonomy is OK by me, what we do is very much *play* a word that sometimes I think is anathema around here.

The relationship I have with him is not contingent on perfect control. It's the synthesis of a thrillseeking, cuddly, sweet bottom and the thrillseeking of a pants wearin' opinionated sadistic top. Who happen to be madly in love.

How easy or difficult it is for cutedemon to give up personal control has jack to do with how much she cares for MasterJ or how "deep" the relationship may be.

I do recommend some soul searching here. Is D/s what you want? What should YOUR D/s look and feel like? I know that I allow a lot of liberty, latitude and joking around on M's part that some would find outrageously disresepctful. I don't. I find it charming and I'm totally secure in M's complete respect for me, play aside.

If there's an actual breach of RESPECT rather than ETIQUITTE I think we're in hot water. Decide what YOUR etiquitte needs to look like, not someone else's.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Context context context.

How much D/s do ya want, how much do ya need what should it look like?

Yes M has called me a bitch, yes he's teased me about submitting to him, yes he's outright disobeyed me and done things in ways I personally don't want him to.

Sometimes he's paid a price. And sometimes I've realized I ask too much. He's my boy, he's not my slave, his autonomy is OK by me, what we do is very much *play* a word that sometimes I think is anathema around here.

The relationship I have with him is not contingent on perfect control. It's the synthesis of a thrillseeking, cuddly, sweet bottom and the thrillseeking of a pants wearin' opinionated sadistic top. Who happen to be madly in love.

How easy or difficult it is for cutedemon to give up personal control has jack to do with how much she cares for MasterJ or how "deep" the relationship may be.

I do recommend some soul searching here. Is D/s what you want? What should YOUR D/s look and feel like? I know that I allow a lot of liberty, latitude and joking around on M's part that some would find outrageously disresepctful. I don't. I find it charming and I'm totally secure in M's complete respect for me, play aside.

If there's an actual breach of RESPECT rather than ETIQUITTE I think we're in hot water. Decide what YOUR etiquitte needs to look like, not someone else's.

I am not imposing my etiquette on their relationship. MastrJ is clearly not happy and is asking for the forum's feedback. I don't blame him. If it is acceptable for M to disobey you (on occasion), that is your choice and it is what works for you. It would not be okay with most people. There is nothing wrong with play or doing scenes or just exploring, but they are discussing collars and committed relationships and things of that nature.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

G-d, you always (well, Almost always) make so much sense to me, Netzach. So much clarity. And a rl answer, not some 'standing on established pillars of the institution of' answer, iykwim.

But that's the problem sometimes, isn't it? Knowing what you want? Makes it hard to get it, if you don't know what it is. (I should know.)

Anway, guess that was kind of a hijack, so will add that cutedemon sounds like she might like things a bit more teasey and playful? Even the name says it. And it's allowed, you know, in you reallife, to do what works for you, rather than some 'Supposed to.'

 

[cutedemon]

In her most recent post cutedragon said she does not plan on eventually being collared (real collar). MastrJ must see some good to explain all of his patience. Honestly it seems like a lot of energy to invest in a relationship that will be kept to more casual levels. Perhaps there is not much compatibility and both would be better off with more suitable partners?

Regardless, good luck and every relationship faces challenges at some point.

Just because I don't plan on being collared does not mean that my relationship with MasterJ is being kept casual. It just means that I don't want a collar in that sense.

 

[Netzach]

The only thing I saw MasterJ post is that he's concerned about this, was hurt by a comment, and seems to be very understanding of just how damn difficult it is to submit and not act out in ways to protect oneself... something I find refreshing, actually.

IMX, really submitting is tough, brave, far from instananeous, and inconsistent for a lot of people.

Most people aren't looking for a D/s relationship, so how "most people" could be said to be intolerant of acting out on the part of a submissive makes little sense to me. Most people would be thrilled just to get their spouse to act...out or otherwise.

play, scenes, exploration....again I reiterate that these things are not opposed to a deep relationship. The level of D/s in a relationship is not what gives it depth, meaning or permanance. I would be very upset if someone came along to say that perhaps I might find someone more suitable and my relationship with my fiance can't be worth pursuing because he doesn't kneel when I get home on the floor mat.

 

[A Desert Rose]

A question to all of the subs: how do you deal with the fear of giving up control of a situation to your Dom/me?

If you trust and know your Dom, and you know that he respects you and any limits you have agreed upon, there should be very little to fear.

I don't know if my Dom has realized this, but I've a tendency to act up (ie call him bitch boy, not put things where he tells me to, things of this nature) to keep myself from feeling like I have no control over the situation I'm in. I willingly submit to him, but I always try to have some little thing that I do that shows that I have a mind of my own (although it gets me punished later on).

Do you do it to get punished? Or is it really to maintain some sense of control? I think if you look at your life in it's entirety, you have a great deal of control over it, especially in choosing to submit to begin with.

And with all due respect, are you sure you are a submissive and not a switch? I ask that question in all sincerity and respect.

 

[cutedemon]

Re: Re: Running scared

Do you do it to get punished? Or is it really to maintain some sense of control? I think if you look at your life in it's entirety, you have a great deal of control over it, especially in choosing to submit to begin with.

And with all due respect, are you sure you are a submissive and not a switch? I ask that question in all sincerity and respect.

I know that I have no interest in being a dom or a switch. In past relationships (all 'nilla) I was the instigator and did all of the pushing of the other persons boundries (before even know really what I was doing). I hated it. I enjoy more being able to let go, allowing the other person to direct how the night is to progress. Mostly my questions and my actions have been derived from outside influences in my life that I haven't had complete control over.