Running in circles

[callmeUnknown]

I’ve thought long and hard before posting this question. This is the first and only time I’ve made an alt and the reason for that might become clearer as you (if you choose to) read on. I’m sorry this is going to be so long but I want to make the picture as clear as possible to avoid anyone having to guess at what or how things transpired.

I have known my “Dom” for over 5 years. (The reason I’m using quotations in this post will become clearer, too, if you read on.) We began online, meeting on another website. We’ve met numerous times, in real life, over the last 4 years and almost all of our meetings have been great and satisfying for us both. Yes, it is an LDR. But we speak on the phone numerous times a week and we’ve met many times, too. I was nutty over him. I think you could say I loved him. He has always been very dominant with me. I even went so far as to once tell him that I thought he was the most natural dominant I’d ever met. He is sadistic to a measure that I thoroughly love.

We met again, a couple of weeks ago. And since then, I’ve been struggling with my feelings. I’d never seen the side of him that I saw at that time and it’s made me question all my previous attitudes about D/s, about me and about him.

I know that I’m a straight submissive. I’ve known that for years. There has been never any question in my own mind. I’ve been in positions that I was asked or ordered to Dom another and the feeling and experience was just simply icky to me. And not at all satisfying. I’ve been in threesomes with a Dom and another woman and servicing her was again, nothing short of dissatisfying to me. In short, I know who I am. I know what works for me and I know what I am capable of doing fairly well and what I enjoy doing. It’s not like I’ve never done things and have drawn my opinions after lack of experiences. Been there, done that and it didn’t work for me.

On the other hand, I apparently didn’t know who he was. I don’t think he did either and I don’t think he still does. I found him in a situation where he was totally submissive to another woman. I hate this term but I can’t think of a better way to describe it, he was being pussy whipped by her. And it was obvious it was a position he liked being in with her. I’d seen a side of this man that I’d never witnessed before and it shook my world, big time. All of a sudden, I realized that he was not who I thought he was. And then I couldn’t figure out how to behave with him. I didn’t know what to do.

In my opinion, based on what I witnessed, he is a switch and when I confronted him with this opinion, he got really mad at me. (As though to him, there’s something wrong with that.) I don’t mind that he is a switch. But I need a Dom in my life. I need a Dom all the time and in all ways. He told me in the past that all the women he has been in love with were (in his words) “bossy, domineering and dominant” and that he’d never known a woman who was as completely submissive to him, as I have been. (Yes, I should’ve gotten a clue then, but I think I was so in love with the “Dom”, the man he was with me, that my vision was clouded.)

But now with this new information, I am not able to respond to him the way I used to. It’s made me question him and everything about our relationship. What I thought was a solid D/s relationship is not. The “Dom” I thought he was, does not really exist. The man I loved is not who I thought he was. Everything feels like it is caving in around me. I don’t know how to behave with him anymore, how to respond to him.

For me to switch, would be the same as role-play. I’m not able to role-play as a dominant. As I said before, it’s not satisfying for me and it’s very unpleasant. So for him to switch and be dominant with me, makes me feel as though he is role-playing, too. It makes me feel as though he is being less than honest with me and not at all true to himself. And I feel as though I’ve been duped for the last 5 years by him, not on purpose, mind you. He still disagrees with my opinion and insists that he is not a switch.

I’ve tried rationalizing, justifying and molding it in a way that would still work for me to continue in this relationship with him. I loved him and I’m having trouble letting go of the man I was in love with. And just letting go of the love period. But I can’t be a parttime submissive to him and I can’t live with a parttime Dom in my life, either. I don’t know what to do, how to behave with this whole thing because it’s contrary to everything I know about me, everything I thought he was and everything I thought our relationship was.

I felt that making this post under my “known” name would detract from the situation that I’m posing and would prevent some from posting their POV on the topic. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even write this post myself. I kind of dictated to another in order to prevent anyone from knowing who I am. My identity is not the issue and I didn’t want it to become one. I wanted clear and honest opinions without the distraction of the “who” part. I don't post that often anyway, under my known Lit name.

I’m sure some people here will try to figure out who I am. Please, don’t waste your time on that.

I would just like to have some help with this situation.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, you can't expect to say you are an alt and not have people wondering and guessing...it is human nature. I won't be as I am not good at these things and far too busy, but as you know some will.

Secondly, your saying you caught him being 'pussy whipped' by a woman is subjective and not easy to comment on when we don't know what the situation was, what happened etc. That being said, if it is as you suspect, it doesn't necessarily mean he is role playing with you when he is Dom. There are plenty of people who have both sides to their personality, both just as real as each other and triggered to go one way or another by the person they are interacting or involved with in a given moment. It doesn't mean they are all one way and not real in the other role.

If you felt you knew him I would hope you would have loved more about the person than the fact you saw him as a Dominant. If you did you need to step back and look at why you felt you loved him and why this is no longer possible given those facets of his personality still exist and are real. It may be you can never get past this with this person, but 5 years is a long time to invest and then throw away so quickly over one thing. I wish you luck in sorting it out in both head and heart, but feel you need to talk to him more and be open to what he is saying without forming your own opinions based on your own preconceived ideas.

Catalina

 

[HottieMama]

Ok...i don't give a shit who you are and i won't waste time trying to figure it out.

You have every right, IMO, to feel hurt, confused, and even a bit betrayed. i know i would. It seems to me like in one night, your entire perception of this man was completely shattered. You had no prior knowledge of his desire to bottom to a woman, and no prior knowledge of his previous relationships. You were blindsided.

What I think it comes down to is... Can you have a relationship with this man perhaps not focused on D/s necessarily, but on the love that the two of you share? If you remove the D/s element, is there enough of a relationship left that it is worth building on? Would you want to be with him as a lover, even if he was no longer your Dom? Are you at all poly, and could you handle having a lover (him) and another Dom?

i wish you a lot of luck with this situation. i don't envy your position in the least.

 

[Essene]

"For me to switch, would be the same as role-play."

"For me to switch, would be the same as role-play."

Sometimes on my especially sensitive days I feel like "switch" is a bad word-
that people figure that switches and bisexuals aren't exactly one or the other, therefore they can't be sincerely one or the other.



All I can tell you is from personal experience.

I am a bisexual switch. I can be a sub to someone that I respect and admire, but I don't give it easily. I can also be a dominant.

I love women just as much as I love men. I can be monogamous with a woman or man. I can be polyamorous as well.

I don't like to categorize myself, or limit my life or my experiences and certainly not because someone else thinks I should.

I don't see any part of my dealings with any of the people I have loved, currently love, or will love as being simply role play.

There are roles we play in our lives. I like the wolf pack pecking order theory best.

There will always be someone able to top you, and there will always be someone willing to submit. I see my role in things as being somewhat complimentary to the people in my life. I have no problem taking charge of a situation, but if someone else knows better than I, and are doing a fine job, and it doesn't bother me, I let someone else lead.

I don't think this makes my dealings with others a facade.

Now your Dom may be discovering new things about himself. I personally would not judge, and would not be concerned unless his actions and feelings toward you have been affected by it. Does he still act just as domly around you as he used to?

I suppose if it still bothers you so much as you can not deal with this other aspect of his life, I would advise that you end the relationship.

I just don't think that you should let your thoughts spiral out of control as to assume that he is insincere just because he's discovered that he likes to switch.

And yeah, what HM and Cat said. They always give good advice. I suppose it comes down to a lot of soul searching for you, and the weighing of the pros and cons.

Best of luck.

 

[JMohegan]

On the other hand, I apparently didn’t know who he was. I don’t think he did either and I don’t think he still does. I found him in a situation where he was totally submissive to another woman. I hate this term but I can’t think of a better way to describe it, he was being pussy whipped by her. And it was obvious it was a position he liked being in with her. I’d seen a side of this man that I’d never witnessed before and it shook my world, big time. All of a sudden, I realized that he was not who I thought he was. And then I couldn’t figure out how to behave with him. I didn’t know what to do.

In my opinion, based on what I witnessed, he is a switch and when I confronted him with this opinion, he got really mad at me. (As though to him, there’s something wrong with that.) I don’t mind that he is a switch. But I need a Dom in my life. I need a Dom all the time and in all ways.

I assume you two are poly, so it's not the simple fact of his clear interest in another woman that's causing your angst. Is that right?

If so, then as food for thought I'll note two things.

First - pussy whipped is not necessarily a sign of submissiveness. It could just be crazed lust! A temporary insanity kind of thing. More details would definitely be required to reach a conclusion there.

And second, as others have already noted - many people are dominant in one relationship but submissive in another. As long as he remains dominant "all the time and in all ways" when dealing with you, then logically there shouldn't be a problem in a poly relationship.

Of course, logic doesn't help if either of you has some sort of mental hang-up about those who switch.

 

[Netzach]

If he's Dominant to you and he WANTS to be pussy whipped by a particular person other than you, I'd say he's doing something you don't like, not that he IS someone you don't like. Personally, if I have a slave they have to deal, or walk, when I want something that they find problematic. Because it's about me. At the end of the day it is about what I want, and that's going to have to be assimilated by people in serious submissive relationships with me. If the things I want don't "work for" a slave, then the slave isn't going to "work for" me. Sorry to be blunt about it, but this is my view as relates to M/s D/s. Everyone I take on knows that I'll be involved with other people. Till recently, they didn't think that me submitting to anyone might be remotely likely, but it is, much to my surprise as much as theirs and they are perfectly on board. Not being on board simply isn't part of the mindset I've cultivated thus far with them. What I do with my other lovers is my business and frankly not the problem or worry of any of the rest of them.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

One thing I noticed about this story is the fact that you confronted him with "being a switch" and he denied it.

That seems to me a rather semantic argument, and sends up a warning flag for me in terms of labels.

Whether someone wants to define himself with a particular label is his own business. I have a "dom" friend who occasionally enjoys being bossed around by one or two select people. That may or may not make him a "Switch" but does that specific term really matter? Unless, of course, your relationship is so role and label based that you would be able to say to the exact same person, "if you call yourself a Dom I'm okay with you but if you use the term Switch I'm outta here."

Not wishing to be combative, but that's kinda how that comes across. Ideally, what we're building is a 3-dimensional relationship with a 3-dimensional person. Labels should be secondary, not a defining factor in the success or failure of the whole connection.

One of my mates likes spicy food. I don't. He eats spicy food with other people rather than me, people who have that taste in common. It's something we will never share. That doesn't make him any less my mate. Nor was I all horrified when I realized he can eat a dollop of wasabi the size of a plum without even blinking. It doesn't affect what we are to one another. Perhaps it's a simplistic metaphor, but I think it's a valid one. Either you want to be three-dimensional and be in love with a human, or you want to have "role-play" with a 2-dimensional Dom character. Both are fine, but I think that's where some of the drama lies in this particular situation - I know what you say you want, but I'm not sure your actions and opinions confirm it.

It also sounds like your sets of tastes are radically different - he at least occasionally, if not regularly, wants you to do things and go places that just don't work for you. That doesn't seem compatible, really.

just my two scents.

bijou

 

[FurryFury]

This is a great post Catalina!



To the OP, I'm sure this is a confusing and painful time for you. I'm sorry that it is.

I have to say though that if I had a Dom that did "it" for me in RL and online, I'd be fine with him being a sub or a switch or pussy whipped by someone else as long as he were up front about it.

If I found out by surprise, I'd feel deceived but I think it likely we could still work it out.

Firstly, you can't expect to say you are an alt and not have people wondering and guessing...it is human nature. I won't be as I am not good at these things and far too busy, but as you know some will.

Secondly, your saying you caught him being 'pussy whipped' by a woman is subjective and not easy to comment on when we don't know what the situation was, what happened etc. That being said, if it is as you suspect, it doesn't necessarily mean he is role playing with you when he is Dom. There are plenty of people who have both sides to their personality, both just as real as each other and triggered to go one way or another by the person they are interacting or involved with in a given moment. It doesn't mean they are all one way and not real in the other role.

If you felt you knew him I would hope you would have loved more about the person than the fact you saw him as a Dominant. If you did you need to step back and look at why you felt you loved him and why this is no longer possible given those facets of his personality still exist and are real. It may be you can never get past this with this person, but 5 years is a long time to invest and then throw away so quickly over one thing. I wish you luck in sorting it out in both head and heart, but feel you need to talk to him more and be open to what he is saying without forming your own opinions based on your own preconceived ideas.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I'll also add that he may have no clue, have never met anyone who elicited that response, and felt no need, accordingly, to ID as anything else or disclose anything because there may be nothing to disclose till now.

Not that I could relate to that.

 

[callmeUnknown]

thank you for the posts. i will have to read this all in depth before i can say anything else. but several of yuo have given me things to think about and that was what i was hoping for.

 

[Homburg]

I'll also add that he may have no clue, have never met anyone who elicited that response, and felt no need, accordingly, to ID as anything else or disclose anything because there may be nothing to disclose till now.

Not that I could relate to that.

I agree, as I take a wolf mentality. I've not met the wolf big enough to roll me on my back. But that wolf is out there. I accept it, and don't mind. It's just me being realistic, not me being switchy.

I can understand why you'd have some image issues, but I'm not sure that I would personally consider them all that relevant. If this Dom has pushed your buttons successfully and solidly for five years now, an image hit like this shouldn' tmatter all that much.

 

[nh23]

I’ve thought long and hard before posting this question. This is the first and only time I’ve made an alt and the reason for that might become clearer as you (if you choose to) read on. I’m sorry this is going to be so long but I want to make the picture as clear as possible to avoid anyone having to guess at what or how things transpired.

I have known my “Dom” for over 5 years. (The reason I’m using quotations in this post will become clearer, too, if you read on.) We began online, meeting on another website. We’ve met numerous times, in real life, over the last 4 years and almost all of our meetings have been great and satisfying for us both. Yes, it is an LDR. But we speak on the phone numerous times a week and we’ve met many times, too. I was nutty over him. I think you could say I loved him. He has always been very dominant with me. I even went so far as to once tell him that I thought he was the most natural dominant I’d ever met. He is sadistic to a measure that I thoroughly love.

We met again, a couple of weeks ago. And since then, I’ve been struggling with my feelings. I’d never seen the side of him that I saw at that time and it’s made me question all my previous attitudes about D/s, about me and about him.

I know that I’m a straight submissive. I’ve known that for years. There has been never any question in my own mind. I’ve been in positions that I was asked or ordered to Dom another and the feeling and experience was just simply icky to me. And not at all satisfying. I’ve been in threesomes with a Dom and another woman and servicing her was again, nothing short of dissatisfying to me. In short, I know who I am. I know what works for me and I know what I am capable of doing fairly well and what I enjoy doing. It’s not like I’ve never done things and have drawn my opinions after lack of experiences. Been there, done that and it didn’t work for me.

On the other hand, I apparently didn’t know who he was. I don’t think he did either and I don’t think he still does. I found him in a situation where he was totally submissive to another woman. I hate this term but I can’t think of a better way to describe it, he was being pussy whipped by her. And it was obvious it was a position he liked being in with her. I’d seen a side of this man that I’d never witnessed before and it shook my world, big time. All of a sudden, I realized that he was not who I thought he was. And then I couldn’t figure out how to behave with him. I didn’t know what to do.

In my opinion, based on what I witnessed, he is a switch and when I confronted him with this opinion, he got really mad at me. (As though to him, there’s something wrong with that.) I don’t mind that he is a switch. But I need a Dom in my life. I need a Dom all the time and in all ways. He told me in the past that all the women he has been in love with were (in his words) “bossy, domineering and dominant” and that he’d never known a woman who was as completely submissive to him, as I have been. (Yes, I should’ve gotten a clue then, but I think I was so in love with the “Dom”, the man he was with me, that my vision was clouded.)

But now with this new information, I am not able to respond to him the way I used to. It’s made me question him and everything about our relationship. What I thought was a solid D/s relationship is not. The “Dom” I thought he was, does not really exist. The man I loved is not who I thought he was. Everything feels like it is caving in around me. I don’t know how to behave with him anymore, how to respond to him.

For me to switch, would be the same as role-play. I’m not able to role-play as a dominant. As I said before, it’s not satisfying for me and it’s very unpleasant. So for him to switch and be dominant with me, makes me feel as though he is role-playing, too. It makes me feel as though he is being less than honest with me and not at all true to himself. And I feel as though I’ve been duped for the last 5 years by him, not on purpose, mind you. He still disagrees with my opinion and insists that he is not a switch.

I’ve tried rationalizing, justifying and molding it in a way that would still work for me to continue in this relationship with him. I loved him and I’m having trouble letting go of the man I was in love with. And just letting go of the love period. But I can’t be a parttime submissive to him and I can’t live with a parttime Dom in my life, either. I don’t know what to do, how to behave with this whole thing because it’s contrary to everything I know about me, everything I thought he was and everything I thought our relationship was.

I felt that making this post under my “known” name would detract from the situation that I’m posing and would prevent some from posting their POV on the topic. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even write this post myself. I kind of dictated to another in order to prevent anyone from knowing who I am. My identity is not the issue and I didn’t want it to become one. I wanted clear and honest opinions without the distraction of the “who” part. I don't post that often anyway, under my known Lit name.

I’m sure some people here will try to figure out who I am. Please, don’t waste your time on that.

I would just like to have some help with this situation.

I think sometimes in a LDR it's easy to lose sight of the fact that our Dom's are indeed human. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy that they are this perfect uber Dom and have no weakness. I would imagine if you lived with him full time..you would see many examples of things that probably never enter your mind now. I can understand why you feel confused..why you feel hurt. But, you love this man do you not? Does seeing him in that one situation the one time change that? From what I read he's not asking you to try to Dom him. Assuming that he is a switch does that make you love him any less? As long as he remains his Domly self with you does it really matter that much? This is just me..but I love my Dom to death. If he told me that he thought he was a switch..or I saw him in a less than "Domly" situation..it wouldn't change my love for him. I love him as a human first and as my Dom second. I couldn't just walk away.

I can understand why you feel you didn't really know him, or your relationship isn't what you thought..but people change, needs change. Sometimes love can overcome that..sometimes it can't. I guess you need to evaluate your feelings for him..After five years can you just give it all up? What if the situation was flipped. What if you suddenly had a desire to Top? How would you want him to react? Just food for thought..I'm not judging, just asking.

Btw..my post would read exactly the same way if you weren't an alt..

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I can just say I cannot really imagine this would happen to me. I know I would still love my Dom - as a friend only tho. Call me bitch, but I need a Dom, full time. Just a thought he might be submissive in any way is so big turn off for me that I would stop call him Master straight away. I know it sounds not nice, but I know what I need from men/from my Sir and I won't compromise that in any way.

I am just wondering how could he keep this secret for 5 years?!? How come you didnt noticed?? I dont get it tbh. I have no prob with swich's, but for me I wouldn't get involved with one simply cuz I just wouldnt respect them. I would play with them. I would see it as role play just as you do yes. Anyone who is submissive can't dominate me, it just wouldn't work, I know my self lol.

I was thinking about it few days ago and figured out I would have a prob submit even to a Domme. Submit to switch? no way lol, I know I wouldn't. I am bi, but I would still find it hard to submit even to a strict Domme, guess I would only if my Sir told me to do so cuz else I am not intrested in it at all. I like women and would love to taste one, but submit to one??

I like women, but not in the way like I would like to submit to one. I can't, guess I am all about men or wot, very dominant men. Not intrested in anything less than man who act, think and just is dominant by the nature. I am bitch, if I felt just a bit of submissivity in him I just couldn't call him my Dom then, simple as that.

It might sound tough, but this life is too short to make compromises. I made too many and won't do that again, for anything and for anyone. If I was in your situation I would tell him I am really dissapointed he wasn't honest with me for all those 5 years and I would tell him that I am sorry, but that I can't have a switch as my Dom. I know theres peeps who wouldn't mind, I would mind alot tho and the best thing you can do is to be honest with him about your feelings.

I would feel like he was just playing me all the 5 years. I would feel deceived bigtime. This way or another it would kill our relationship as a Sir/sub, I know that for sure. Friends? - yes. Call him my Dom? - I am sorry, but no way. If I'd stay in this relationship I would just play with him. Everything I would do would be efected by the knowing he's half submissive and I know I dunno submit to such a person. Play with one? yes. But call him my Dom? I couldn't.

I am sorry you have to go thro this, I can imagine how hard it must be...... {{{{{hugs}}}}}

I am with HM on this "I don't envy your position in the least."


ETA:
I just wanna say to all Dommes on this board that I do respect you and I do respect switches as well, its just it wouldn't work for me okay. I don't wanna piss anyone off!!, so please do not get ofended by what I posted. I think one must have the desire in them to submit to women or to a switch. A desire I am surely missing in me.

 

[Etoile]

Just a brief note about "switching" - it may be easier than you think. (And if you've been around here a while, you've already heard my thoughts on this.) For me, "switching" is just another form of service. Oh, you want to be fucked and smacked around and told what to do? Why certainly, if that is what you want, I will give it to you, because I am the one who gives to you regardless of what it is you want or how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I am the submissive, I do as I am told, and sometimes I am told to do hard things. I know a lot of people say "ooooh no I can't do that" but for me it is just another type of service that I am being asked to perform.

 

[JMohegan]

I can just say I cannot really imagine this would happen to me. I know I would still love my Dom - as a friend only tho. Call me bitch, but I need a Dom, full time. Just a thought he might be submissive in any way is so big turn on for me that I would stop call him Master straight away. I know it sounds not nice, but I know what I need from men/from my Sir and I won't compromise that in any way.

I have never met anyone whose behavior is all Dom all the time, though I have seen some who strut around kinky settings acting as if this were so.

That type of fantasy simply doesn't hold up to the light of day.

I don't think your perspective makes you a bitch. But I do think it reflects a view of Dominants in general, and your Sir in particular, that is more than a bit unrealistic.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I have never met anyone whose behavior is all Dom all the time, though I have seen some who strut around kinky settings acting as if this were so.

That type of fantasy simply doesn't hold up to the light of day.

I don't think your perspective makes you a bitch. But I do think it reflects a view of Dominants in general, and your Sir in particular, that is more than a bit unrealistic.

I meant the full time Dom more just for the play time. If I knew he's dominant with me and submissive to some woman I would just laugh into his face if he wanted dominate me then. The thought he would let someone treat him like he treats me is just too big turn off for me, I couldn't respect such a person. But thats just me.

As for my Sir, he's caring but strict and I love it just like that. He's dominant to the core same as I am submissive to the core. I could never dominate someone same as he would never submit to someone if you know what I mean? He's natural leader, my nature is to follow so we mesh well. If he turned to be a switch we would have a lil prob. I must say I really dunno what I would do. It would just suck.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Just a brief note about "switching" - it may be easier than you think. (And if you've been around here a while, you've already heard my thoughts on this.) For me, "switching" is just another form of service. Oh, you want to be fucked and smacked around and told what to do? Why certainly, if that is what you want, I will give it to you, because I am the one who gives to you regardless of what it is you want or how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I am the submissive, I do as I am told, and sometimes I am told to do hard things. I know a lot of people say "ooooh no I can't do that" but for me it is just another type of service that I am being asked to perform.

Yes as a submissive I do what I am told, but I still have my likes and dislikes my Sir knows very well. To me if he wanted me to submit to a Domme - I would of course, but I would be prolly quite pissed off at the same time. It could make a good punishment in my case cuz I don't like the idea of submiting to someone else than my Sir at all, especialy not to a woman. I dunno why, guess I am weird.

 

[JMohegan]

I meant the full time Dom more just for the play time. If I knew he's dominant with me and submissive to some woman I would just laugh into his face if he wanted dominate me then. The thought he would let someone treat him like he treats me is just too big turn off for me, I couldn't respect such a person. But thats just me.

Thank you for clarifying what you meant.

I still don't think this makes you a bitch, but it does prompt the question in mind: Do you respect yourself?

It seems to me that this perspective says more about your view of submissives than anything else.

There's no right or wrong here; when talking about what turns us on & off, logic really doesn't apply. But I do think this makes interesting food for thought.

 

[Etoile]

I have never met anyone whose behavior is all Dom all the time, though I have seen some who strut around kinky settings acting as if this were so.

That type of fantasy simply doesn't hold up to the light of day.

I don't think your perspective makes you a bitch. But I do think it reflects a view of Dominants in general, and your Sir in particular, that is more than a bit unrealistic.

I agree with JMohegan. I cannot even count how many times I have heard comments like biatchinfire's. (You're not alone in thinking that way.) But it just doesn't work like that. For one thing, I believe love transcends kink. If you truly love someone, you won't fly out the door when they announce their feelings about kink have changed. It might make you sad, and you might eventually want to end the relationship if you're not getting what you want anymore, but it's not going to terminate on the spot. Love is stronger than that.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I agree with JMohegan. I cannot even count how many times I have heard comments like biatchinfire's. (You're not alone in thinking that way.) But it just doesn't work like that. For one thing, I believe love transcends kink. If you truly love someone, you won't fly out the door when they announce their feelings about kink have changed. It might make you sad, and you might eventually want to end the relationship if you're not getting what you want anymore, but it's not going to terminate on the spot. Love is stronger than that.

I know what you mean and maybe my reply suck cuz I still feel lots of biderness cuz of what my ex did to me, but trust me I know what it is to love and I am not leaving people kinda easy. It took me years to let my man go, well I didnt really let him go cuz he left me. If he didnt I would be still by his side. Loving him, but unhappy. Thats why I said I would leave such a Dom. Compromise what you need and crave for is just silly and I wont do that again. I've lost 15 years of my life with man about who I thought he loves me just to find out I mean nuthing to him. So no I wont do that again. Its not worth it.

I know what exactely I want and need from man and I wont bother with anything less than that. I did it for last 15 years and I was just unhappy. This time I wanna be happy for exchange, or rather wander all alone.

As for OP I would say this:
I think stay with this guy if really up to her and no one can judge her if she will leave him. At the end it was him lieing to her for all those years. If he told her hes a switch she would prolly never accept him as her Dominant I think, same as I wouldnt.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Do you respect yourself?

Uhmm, at times I would say.

 

[Netzach]

Thank you for clarifying what you meant.

I still don't think this makes you a bitch, but it does prompt the question in mind: Do you respect yourself?

It seems to me that this perspective says more about your view of submissives than anything else.

There's no right or wrong here; when talking about what turns us on & off, logic really doesn't apply. But I do think this makes interesting food for thought.

You cut to the chase.

Anyone who would say to me "I can't respect you for liking any part of what I like" is cut out of my circle of respect. They clearly have some self-esteem issues I don't want near.

However, I've never once had a male sub have this attitude about the whiff of "switching" ONLY female subs and other female Dommes. I've had males express the opinion that they would not LIKE to see their Domme with her top/Master/Mistress in a generalized way, but I generally know to avoid them, or see if they're the kind of person who also admits that what they like and don't like is pretty beside the point, because that's going to happen and they'll just take it because that's the job description. The job description is "make me happy." The job description is "my wants are immaterial in relation to YOUR wants, making your wants happen is what I want." I know that's lit sub sacrilege.

Again, I have no patience for a submissive who would accuse me of a bait and switch for fucking who I want to fuck and HOW I want to fuck. I would have no patience for a submissive who would feel like they have dibs or control on any aspect at all of my sexuality. I'm sure this is an unpopular answer, but you're sure to get some answers off the bell curve when you ask a question.

"What would you do?" Submit. Or don't. Because I'll tell you who's the slave if my sexuality is limited by my slave telling me he'll up and leave if I do something in bed I want, or relate to someone else how I choose.

 

[callmeUnknown]

on my way to work but several of you have said things that make lottsa since to me.

he told me that it shouldn't matter how he is with anyone else as long as hes as "mean as a snake" to me. several of you have said kinda the same thing. i guess if he can Dom me in the way i like and he has for as long as i've known him, than it shouldn't matter to me how he is with someone else.

when i get home i'll read these posts again because i read something more every time ive read them.

thank you again for your povs.

 

[Netzach]

I have never met anyone whose behavior is all Dom all the time, though I have seen some who strut around kinky settings acting as if this were so.

That type of fantasy simply doesn't hold up to the light of day.

I don't think your perspective makes you a bitch. But I do think it reflects a view of Dominants in general, and your Sir in particular, that is more than a bit unrealistic.

What if your Dom gets sick, depressed, debilitated, in trouble with the law over stupid shit, bankrupt - there are so many ways powerful people lose power and lose confidence - then they're also not a Dom by the wonderful strict always on criteria that you can have when you are not face to face all the time. They might hardly feel like a human. You might have to step in and deal with reality, unpleasant inconsistent messy reality without marching orders and without management and unsure of your place in relation to your Dom. To me, how someone deals with my preference for a spanking is almost a litmus test of how someone's going to deal with all this other shit, and tells me tons about it.

The OP is in a LDR. Biatchinfire is in an LDR. No offense, but this situation preserves a lot of the mess of life for a long time. Had I not gotten sick I don't think there are a lot of sides to me that H would ever have seen to this day. I prefer live-outs because I prefer compartmentalization to enhance M/s for me, it really does create a neater and cleaner situation.

 

[Netzach]

I agree, as I take a wolf mentality. I've not met the wolf big enough to roll me on my back. But that wolf is out there. I accept it, and don't mind. It's just me being realistic, not me being switchy.

I can understand why you'd have some image issues, but I'm not sure that I would personally consider them all that relevant. If this Dom has pushed your buttons successfully and solidly for five years now, an image hit like this shouldn' tmatter all that much.

It's not the big wolves you have to worry about. It's the non-threatening reasonable ones.