Rules?

[original cindy]

In the last year I have told my husband I was bi and we have had fun with another woman. In the course of it all we both got our feelings hurt and we set ground rules.

We decided that I can not be alone with the other woman and he has the right to participate if he wish and not just be a spectator. He can not have the actual sex with her only give and receive oral and play with toys.

I would really like to know you all's opinion. I've been a long time reader of this forum and respect all answers to my inquary.

Origial cindy

 

[Netzach]

They're your rules, it's your relationship. What I think of it is irrelevant.

Our rules happen to be "be safe, and be prepared for debriefing" and that's it. But that works for us.

 

[MissTaken]

It is good that you and your husband can and are communicating. While some couples need few rules, for others, the "rules" are a way of ensuring there is no misunderstanding, no hurt feelings and no messy head games.

Bravo to you.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

sex: male
sexual orientation: bi curious


well obviously it is your life and you make the final decision.

Obviously by my name I am bi curious therefore I have very very little experience so maybe I am not the best one to give advice but here goes.

The gal that I dated many years ago was bi curious and i was 100% straight. I never thought about being with another man until I met her. She told me that her fantasy was to be with another gal and I was ok with it. I am not the jealous type but honestly I was a bit jealous knowing what she was thinking of doing. To me (and again this is just MY opinion) if she was going to go through with having sex with another gal, I would have to be present. I was NOT going to participate in any form but I would have to be there. I just felt that if I was present then in my head she would not be cheating and then I would not be jealous.

This was her fantasy and her doing therefore I would not participate.

I just felt that if she was to do this behind my back then what says she would not do it with another guy?

This was just OUR rule.

I would be up to any feedback from what I just said.

Thanks,

 

[deezire1900]

Rules...are made to be broken. At least that is the way it was growing up. I would be afraid, that one little slip up and feelings would again be hurt.

 

[angela146]

You have to figure this kind of thing out in the context of the relationship you want to have with each other.

There is a tradeoff between intimacy and safety.

Having a deeply intimate relationship sometimes means that your feelings get hurt. If you try to avoid hurting each other's feelings, you might insulate parts of yourselves from each other and miss out on some of the joy of extreme intimacy.

So, which is more important? Avoiding hurt feelings or attaining greater intimacy?

Ask yourself why each of your rules is important and what you are trying to accomplish.

Why can't you be alone with her? Is it because he doesn't trust you or because he is afraid that he would be missing out on something, even if you were just talking. Is there a way of giving him access to your private moments with her (i.e. by talking about them afterward)?

Why can't he have actual sex with her? What is it that bothers you about them having sex? Is there some way of allowing him to have sex with her that won't hurt you?

I have no idea what the answers to these questions are. They're different for each person/couple.

One thing is pretty much universal: Threesome sex can be painful.

My husband's feelings were hurt very badly the first time he saw me make love to another man. The moment of intimacy where our friend "got to me" and sent me over the edge into an orgasm hit hubby hard, "like a baseball bat to the stomach."

Did we stop having threesomes? No. We talked about it. We learned what it was that really hurt and we addressed it.

After some practice, we learned how to take moments of jealousy and turn them into moments of greater intimacy for ourselves.

I'm not suggesting that you should do things the way we do. It works for us, in part, because we like the intimacy of hurting each others feelings and repairing the damage. In that respect, we're kind of wierd.

So, you are probably wierd to in your own way.