Rules to play by?

[SimonTheLover]

I am a happily married man who doesn't have sex with his wife due to her having a chronic illness over the past decade. I am a cheater and while I am not super proud of it, I do really enjoy myself and have a few fwb who I see regularly.

Over the years I have developed a set of rule that I use to protect myself in many ways and I was wondering if anyone else had a set of rules for their fwb?

Some of my rules are:
- Never meet more than 4 days straight
- sleep should be avoided and if necessary no sleeping in each other's arms
- no overnight stays
- don't save each other's phone numbers
- no lovemaking
- don't fall in love
- if I ever contact them and ask who they are they need to pretend they don't know who I am

This is not a full list but you get the idea. Am I alone in this or do other people have rules to play by and are willing to share them?

 

[Sheana_V]

A few thoughts

Over the years I have developed a set of rule that I use to protect myself in many ways and I was wondering if anyone else had a set of rules for their fwb?

While I don't cheat, it's pretty common for polyamorous relationships (which is why I don't cheat) to have rules like these

- Never meet more than 4 days straight

Is this to keep you from getting attached? Explain.

- sleep should be avoided and if necessary no sleeping in each other's arms
- no overnight stays

Again to avoid being attached.
I was once in a relationship where the rule was "You always come home to me at the end of the night".
That made for some very long cab rides...



While I don't cheat, it's pretty common for polyamorous relationships (which is why I don't cheat) to have rules like these

- don't save each other's phone numbers

Email is okay? I don't understand. How do you contact each other? Why not put the number in as same random Pizza Place or something...

- no lovemaking

How can you be sure your doing this. Do you stop the encounter if it's starting to feel sentimental?

- don't fall in love

This rule kind of bothered me and doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. How can you possibly control this?


Do all of your lovers actually agree to this?
In any case, I think your list is probably sensible. In my current relationship I have one rule:
- My primary partner comes first. End of discussion.

- SV

 

[SimonTheLover]

Is this to keep you from getting attached? Explain.

The rules are to keep everything as simple as possible, I am attached to my fwbs in a different manner than I am connected to my wife. I have had a bad stalker like experience which helped me learn how to define my boundaries much clearer.

Email is okay? I don't understand. How do you contact each other? Why not put the number in as same random Pizza Place or something...

Because random pizza places don't drunk dial or text at weird times. I rely upon Internet communications which in this day and age is highly available.

How can you be sure your doing this. Do you stop the encounter if it's starting to feel sentimental?

It's a different relationship and I find this quite easy to follow, my fwbs and I know we are both in it for mutual benefits and this rule helps remind everyone where the boundary is

This rule kind of bothered me and doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. How can you possibly control this?

Sometimes the rule is just there to serve as a reminder to keep me in line and the boundaries clear.

In my current relationship I have one rule:
- My primary partner comes first. End of discussion.

Thanks for taking the time to respond

 

[Sheana_V]

The rules are to keep everything as simple as possible, I am attached to my fwbs in a different manner than I am connected to my wife. I have had a bad stalker like experience which helped me learn how to define my boundaries much clearer.




Because random pizza places don't drunk dial or text at weird times. I rely upon Internet communications which in this day and age is highly available.



It's a different relationship and I find this quite easy to follow, my fwbs and I know we are both in it for mutual benefits and this rule helps remind everyone where the boundary is



Sometimes the rule is just there to serve as a reminder to keep me in line and the boundaries clear.


Thanks for taking the time to respond

Happy to respond. I found it interesting. I am definitely a huge fan of clear boundaries and expectations.

 

[norfolklad]

I am a happily married man who doesn't have sex with his wife due to her having a chronic illness over the past decade. I am a cheater and while I am not super proud of it, I do really enjoy myself and have a few fwb who I see regularly.

Over the years I have developed a set of rule that I use to protect myself in many ways and I was wondering if anyone else had a set of rules for their fwb?

An interesting question which raises a number of random thoughts.

I suppose that if FWBs are true friends then they will know you well enough to understand your limits as far as relationships are concerned and hopefully they wouldn't want to push you beyond those limits, though there will always be those who think that they are exceptions to the rule. And there will be those who agree to the rules at first but who find later that they can no longer abide by them.

I had a pal who had a strict set of rules, starting with (1) no commitment and (2) no 'L' word, and I always felt that by being too rigid he missed out on a lot of enjoyable opportunities. He avoided most problems by having FWBs who were mostly married or engaged and wanted to stay that way. I suspect that the need to have a rigid set of rules is less to lay down the law to FWBs but to convince yourself that you mustn't go too far. That makes me wonder if you are really ready for a lifestyle in which sex comes through FWBs and not a full-time partner, though I understand the difficulties in your case.

For my part, I am no longer married, I love my current lifestyle, and I have no intention of changing it - and I make sure that everyone is fully aware of that. The biggest problem is with new friends or potential new friends - I don't find it possible to ask someone out for a date and then suffix the invitation with the words "by the way, I'm only interested in a fuck, not a deep relationship". And there are still lots of people who think that going to bed with someone = commitment and mono-commitment at that.

As for rules, I suppose that I make them up as I go along, but they're primarily for my benefit and I would probably call them guiding principles rather than rules. I also try to keep them as flexible as possible. One underlying principle is that I don't believe that any one man or any one woman can provide everything that another person needs, sexually or otherwise. Another is that I don't like the idea of someone believing that they own another - and I'm not talking about the specialised case of dom-sub relationships here, rather the way people behave towards each other in general. Too many people, of both sexes, seem to think that because someone has committed to them, they own them body and soul.

I see no problem with loving an FWB, though I would differentiate that from falling in love. (An infatuation can be ok, too, as long as both participants recognise it for what it is.) Indeed, I would hope that I would love all FWBs in their different ways. Overnight stays are fine by me - I have one FWB with whom I regularly spend three or four days every two or three weeks. I will also have awaybreaks of several days with FWBs although that is more difficult - but not impossible - to arrange with a married FWB. To be honest, I love falling asleep in someone's arms afterwards - I have never been wildly keen on getting up, getting dressed and going home afterwards - and, provided that I'm able to stay erect after cumming, even falling asleep still inside her.

Lovemaking - not an issue. I enjoy a really good fuck and I also enjoy slow, passionate, tender lovemaking, not least because I adore thoroughly exploring a woman's body and discovering all the things that really make her feel good. It depends on the circumstances and how the both of us feel.

What would be the ideal FWB for me? A woman who I respect and of whom I am, at least, very fond, who is married and who definitely wants to stay married but who wants something different that her marriage doesn't bring her. Ideally her husband would understand this and would accept that from time to time she would not come home at night or would be away for a couple of days, but that home is with him and she would always come home to him. (It's up to them,of course, whether a quid pro quo arrangement would operate.)

 

[PerplexedLai]

I think the 'ideal' FWB relationship would have rules that go without saying. I mean clearly some ground work needs to be established, i.e. "no commitment" but I, personally, think the easiest way to have a fulfilling FWB relationship is for both parties to understand and agree upon what is needed from the relationship. As awkward as it sounds to exchange "rules", I have never had an instance where it was necessary. I assume in some cases it may be necessary, but those have never appealed to me. I've never wanted to have to write up a contract, so to speak, of how things should be. I guess I just prefer for these "issues" to have a common answer and a common execution.
Basically, my FWB partner typically knows the rules, and I just follow their lead.