Rules: Lists of.........

[lewdandlicentious]

I recently again came across this list of rules and thought it only right and proper to submit a new thread!

Feel free to add your own lists, under any subject, in any context!

This is mine! (I love this)

RULES FOR BOYS WHO DATE GIRLS - BY THEIR FATHERS!

RULE ONE:
If you pull into my driveway and simply honk, you'd better be delivering a parcel, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

RULE TWO:
Do not make the mistake of staring at or touching my daughter in front of me.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I reserve the right to remove them.

RULE THREE:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Therefore, you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers 10 sizes too big.
However, if you do feel the need to come to my door dressed in such a manner, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will feel the need to take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

RULE FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Believe me when I tell you son, that in this case, I am the barrier and I will kill you if you so much as THINK about sex with my daughter!

RULE FIVE:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not attempt to do this.
The only information I expect or require from you, is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house.

RULE SIX:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN:
As you stand in my hall way, (for you will not be invited in further)waiting for my daughter to appear, if an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
Do something useful, like change the oil in my car, cut the grass or brush the dog!

RULE EIGHT:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter;
Anywhere where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Anywhere where there are no parents, police or nuns.
Anywhere where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
Romantic movies are to be avoided.
Football matches are OK. Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE:
Do NOT lie to me.
I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN:
Be afraid son!
Be very afraid.
It could take very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in my driveway for that of a chopper coming over a cow infested field in the pissing rain in Armagh. When my flash-backs start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns, grinning insanely as I wait for you to bring my little girl home.

RULE ELEVEN:
As soon as you pull onto my driveway, for your own safety, immediately exit your car and announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home early then return to your car. There is no need for you to linger, walk her to the door or come inside.
You can rest assured as to her safety from here-on in. The camouflaged, baseball bat wielding face at the window is mine.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I think you've covered that quite well.

I told my husband to make sure he's cleaning his guns when our daughter starts to date.

 

[Guest]

Very easy-going aren't ya, Lew?

Lou

 

[Guest]

 

[cloudy]

Oh my god! Now I know why my father got his ideas!!!!

 

[minsue]

Ah, brings back first date memories...

bone-crunching handshake, deeper-than-usual voice intoning, "This is our daughter and we love her very, very much."

 

[Guest]

Ok, here's a list from me. I thought this was VERY funny (although obviously they don't all apply to me - see some of the things for age 31. Hahahahahaaaaaaa!! ) Lou xxx

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 21)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10.An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 31)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 41)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 51)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10.Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 61)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 71)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[cloudy]

My dad always managed to be cleaning his twelve-gauge just when a date arrived to pick me up for the first time.

Secretly, I loved it.

 

[lewdandlicentious]

My dad always managed to be cleaning his twelve-gauge just when a date arrived to pick me up for the first time.

Secretly, I loved it.

That's very cool.

I must remember that when the time comes!

Would it work the same with two Uzi's, a Hechler & Koch and an MP5 do you think???

 

[cloudy]

That's very cool.

I must remember that when the time comes!

Would it work the same with two Uzi's, a Hechler & Koch and an MP5 do you think???

Not a doubt in my mind! It'd scare the piss out of me!

 

[Guest]

What I Want in a Man

Show up.

Perdita

 

[SeaCat]

That's very cool.

I must remember that when the time comes!

Would it work the same with two Uzi's, a Hechler & Koch and an MP5 do you think???

I don't think it would have worked with me, although my offering to help clean them while offering tips on the best gunsmiths around might have impressed him some. (The best gunsmith in town lived about three houses down from us, and he could get you that special ammo you wanted for a special price. No questions asked. My father had some very interesting friends from when he served in the Army.)
The father who most impressed me was this little guy whose daughter was my prom date. He met me out in the driveway wearing shorts and a tee-shirt. While we chatted he kept popping Thai peppers like they were candy. I was sweating just watching him, and this was the middle of November in New England. (His daughter came home on time that night.)

Cat

 

[Mhari]

LMAO. Must remember these, should there ever come a time!

~M

 

[Liar]

What an alien world...

Never did the cliché date, didn't pick up or leave off at no girl's house, didn't meet noone's folks until well after a full blown relationship was established. And parents were either indifferent or very friendly.

I got into that position only once. Alone with the dad, waiting for the girl. It went something like this:

"So, this is where we have that talk, you know." he said.

"Uuh, I guess so."

"You do drugs, drink too much, rape, maim or kill people?"

"Nossir."

"Then what the fuck are we going to talk about. If you're a mistake, she'll learn from it. Want coffee?"


#L

 

[Guest]

Rules of what men:

should never say in victorias secrets...


#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No thanks, Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!!

And the number one thing men should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

 

[minsue]

Re: Rules of what men:

should never say in victorias secrets...


#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No thanks, Just sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!!

And the number one thing men should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

#1 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

That's very cool.

I must remember that when the time comes!

Would it work the same with two Uzi's, a Hechler & Koch and an MP5 do you think???

I've pulled the cleaning the gun trick as well. The thing to remember Lewd is that in this case, size does matter. A long gun has a much more dramatic effect than a handgun. Shotguns seem to work better than rifles.

 

[rgraham666]

So, basically, what all the dads here are saying is, that they're afraid their daughters are dating guys just like the dads were when they were their daughter's age?

 

[Guest]

So, basically, what all the dads here are saying is, that they're afraid their daughters are dating guys just like the dads were when they were their daughter's age?

It's true, rg. I've had men tell me exactly that. They remember themselves or their friends at that age and it makes them crazy to think about their daughters even being in school with boys.

P. (fatherless but went to an all girl Catholic school)

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

I went to high school with a guy named Tony. He was always knee deep in trouble with the girls standing on his head. Not surprisingly he knocked up his girlfriend and had to marry young. Now the product of that is a beautiful 16-year old girl who's dating and he lives in continual terror. I just love it.

LMAO at the Victoria's Secret jokes.

 

[snooper]

I was sixty and Celia was twenty-one (but she had been twenty-one for a long time) when we met.

Meeting her mother for the first time was the scariest thing I ever did. Much worse than as a teenager.

 

[oggbashan]

As a father of three daughters I didn't set rules for the potential boyfriends - my daughters did.

If the daughter wanted the b/f to break the rules there was no way I could stop her.

I and my wife told my daughters the few things we expected from them as parents -

- An idea where they were going
- When they would be back and an agreement between parents and daughter if she wanted to be out later than we thought reasonable
- That she should phone if anything went wrong
- That she should expect and demand that the b/f treated her with respect
- That we would collect her from wherever at whatever time if she needed us
- That we would frighten off any man she didn't want if he wouldn't take her 'No' as an answer
- An understanding that pregnancy would be a disaster for her
- That we were her parents and would stand by her whatever happened

Then we sat up worried sick until the daughter returned.

Og

 

[Carl East]

Lew, you forgot 'If you touch my daughters breasts in my presence, expect pain,' lol

Carl

 

[lewdandlicentious]

So, basically, what all the dads here are saying is, that they're afraid their daughters are dating guys just like the dads were when they were their daughter's age?

Absolutely correct!!!!!

I remember me!

Lew, you forgot 'If you touch my daughters breasts in my presence, expect pain,' lol

Carl

Actually, I thought Rule 2 covered that quite well.

 

[Torg]

Originally posted by cloudy
My dad always managed to be cleaning his twelve-gauge just when a date arrived to pick me up for the first time.

I don't own guns, so this won't work for me. Maybe if I'm sharpening a sword? I do have one of those around.

P.S. My oldest daughter is eleven. This stuff has been going through my head for many years.