Rrequesting feed back on Novella

I am sorry, I stopped after section 1, I was not enjoying the story.

Sam was boring, the writing did not convey his actions in a clear manner, and I had an unreasonable dread of reading all eleven sections.

The first paragraph of chapter 2 indicates that you have ability, but I think in chapter 1, you bogged down trying to create a stereotypical detective.

Part of what I did not enjoy, was that you used the name "Sam" about 50 times in chapter 1 alone. Some personal pronouns would help.

The technical writing I did not evalutate, although a lot of fat could be trimmed.

Line 1.

Sam reached down and turned off the motor of the car.
why not, "Sam shut off the car." (or car's motor)
 
Feedback

I would suggest chipping away at the descriptive narrative to make it more concise.

Also, there are several punctuation issues. I didn't read very far, the narrative is too lengthy and convoluted. Just try to be more truncated, or at least work to explain an idea in a single sentence. It should rarely take four or five sentences for someone to perform a simple task.

Some of the narrative is just too convoluted to follow without really paying attention - for example:

"Remembering the days, he was under paid to do this he was now a private detective his friend had paid for his P.I. license. Sam was a police officer for ten years before his friend found him."

This whole sentence in confusing - try something like

"Although his P.I. license was paid for by an old friend, Sam's days as a police officer - and ten years of meager wages - had made accepting the offer a easy decision."

Good luck
 
sensorotika said:
"Although his P.I. license was paid for by an old friend, Sam's days as a police officer - and ten years of meager wages - had made accepting the offer a easy decision."

I would trim further.... for a short story....

A friend offered to pay for Sam's P.I. License, Sam's years of underpaid police work made for an easy decision.


but this is a novella.. added excessive detail is permitted....

Sam's friend, Unnamed, had found Sam wallowing in depression, spending his nights reading cheap detective novels and true crime stories. Several rounds of drinks led to Sam confessing his desire to work as a private detective, and the fact that he could not afford the licensing. To his surprise, Unnamed offered to pay for the license, citing as his reason, Sam's years of underpaid service as a police officer. Sam, hesitated, was about to refuse, but then thought about how much he loved the work, the nights, the crooks, the stakeouts, all of it, and with a sigh, he accepted the offer.

(or some such, hell, backgrounding Sam for a novella is important, we want to know how he got to where he is now, especially if it has any play in the story).


the key is to make it all reasonable, and keep the sentences and paragraphs on one subject.
 
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